Porn Addiction Recovery

 

I think most people can trace the roots and progression of their pornography addiction.  It isn’t that difficult to identify the early onset of sexual dependency as well as the major events that contributed to one’s unraveling.  I can remember almost every milestone that occurred in my life that served as major catalysts for my pornography addiction.  My story isn’t much different than many.  First exposure at age nine, growing curiosity throughout my pre-teen years, increased access to new materials and media during the Internet boom, finally culminating with an intense daily need to consume more porn that I carried into my adult life and marriage.  However, identifying the evolution of one’s recovery is much more difficult, primarily because so few experience this freedom.  Consequently, I want to share with you my recovery journey and assure you that while your path will most likely look different than mine, lasting victory is attainable.

For most of my adult years I was like many pornography addicts. I enjoyed porn and really didn’t care about my frequent need for it.  It made me feel good … it was always available … and it was my safe little secret.  The only good news was I didn’t feel much shame because there was nothing to be shamed about.  The truth is I would probably still feel that way if I didn’t get serious about my life with Jesus at age thirty-seven.  Once I placed Christ on the throne of my heart I realized that my porn habit needed to go.  Perhaps this describes you now?  The truth is until you recognize pornography use as a problem recovery is pretty much an impossibility, simply because you don’t really want it.

The next two years where rough.  These were what I call the binge and purge years.  Sometimes I maintained sobriety for days, sometimes for weeks, and once even for a month.  However, in the end it always came back and usually with a vengeance.  The shame was crushing because I knew it was wrong and there were many times when I questioned whether freedom was ever truly possible.  I would constantly pray for deliverance from God via a spiritual lobotomy but when I woke up every morning there it was … the desire to consume porn.  It was defeating, it was frustrating, it was awful, but no matter how bad I felt about the addiction I couldn’t shake its hold on me.  The problems, as I see now, were many.  First, I had no real accountability.  Second, I wanted God to do all the work.  Third, I was trying to control the behavior rather than examining the root of the behavior.  In summary, I wanted sobriety … I just didn’t want it bad enough to do much about it.

At age thirty-nine “breakthrough” finally happened.  It wasn’t one single thing but a series of events that contributed to my final victory.  First, a good friend and Pastor challenged me in a sermon about my commitment to God.  He said simply, you are either “all-in” with Jesus or you are “all-out.”  That hit me hard because I realized that Jesus wasn’t really Lord of my entire life, he was just “Lord” of the small part I gave him.  Once I decided to up my commitment to God I made the steps I needed to make starting with securing some Godly accountability.  IMPORTANT: IF YOU AREN’T SEEKING ACCOUNTABILITY YOU ARE JUST KIDDING YOURSELF.  After that I took an inventory of my life and realized that as long as I was a slave to pornography my life’s purpose would never be fully realized.  I replaced my desire for pornography with something stronger, a desire to matter.  It wasn’t that porn suddenly stopped being something I wanted; it just couldn’t compete with what I really wanted … a meaningful life lived with Godly purpose.  The first year of sobriety had its moments of struggle but eventually my brain and heart started healing and God replaced my lust for porn with a love for Him.

It has been over two years of complete sobriety for me and I don’t ever want to go back.  My relationship with God is growing, my purpose is being slowly revealed, and my marriage gets better every day even when I think it can’t possible improve any more.  Do I still lust occasionally?  Yes.  Does the thought of looking at porn ever cross my mind?  Yes.  However, these moments are fleeting and only weak attacks by the enemy that I now have the strength to quickly dismantle.  What I want you to recognize is this … recovery is a journey.  It takes effort and will require more from you than almost anything else you have experienced.  However, it is possible.  Don’t give up!  Get accountable and “work” your recovery.  Download accountability software and join a support group.  Read the books and take the workshops.  Invest in your recovery because in the end it is so worth it!