In March of 2013, we went on the Porn Kills Tour. You can find out about the tour and purchase the video from the tour at www.pornkillstour.com. You can also contact firstname.lastname@example.org if you are interested in brining the #PornKills tour to your city.
It all started with a text.
David Vahey, creative guy extraordinaire and owner of Media Fly Creative sent a text message to Craig Gross that read something like this:
“I can buy a hearse.”
What a pregnant statement that was. Craig was initially not too thrilled with the idea, but once David started inundating him with mockups illustrations of what XXXchurch could do with a hearse, the ideas started spinning and the juices started flowing. It was on.
And the angle?
Porn Kills Marriages. If you’ve watched the video above, you know that one side of our hearse is emblazoned with that very direct, very true message. Because porn really does kill marriages. But it doesn’t usually happen right away—porn is, for the most part, not generally an atomic blast that levels a marriage in an instant.
No, porn is insidious. It is malicious. Porn brings a slow, creeping death to a marriage. It works its way into your marriage like cold fingers around the throat of a relationship, gradually tightening its grip and patiently, slowly, little by little, cutting off the vital air supply that every marriage needs.
And the end result? Death.
At XXXchurch, we’ve seen this time and again. A husband or wife starts using porn and generally does one of two things: they either work feverishly to hide it or they try to bring it into the marriage to “spice things up.”
If they hide it, it always—always—gets found out eventually. The offended spouse finds something suspicious in the internet history, or a stash of DVDs falls out of the back of the closet. This kind of sudden discovery creates many wounds to the relationship (if you don’t mind altering our metaphor a little), leading to a series of bleeding cuts that, if left unattended and untreated, will cause the life to flow right out of the marriage. The porn user who has just been discovered usually feels like dirt and wallows in shame, while the discoverer feels intense betrayal and a completely different variety of shame. Trust has been shattered like glass, and all those shards have cut up the marriage, and now we have a bleeder.
Or there’s the other avenue, where one spouse tries to bring porn into the marriage relationship in a misguided attempt to “spice things up” (by the way, that’s always the phrase that gets used—if your spouse uses it on you, beware). What happens in this instance? In most cases that we’ve seen, the porn-bringer is going to create some serious feelings of inadequacy in their partner. What’s the matter with me? Why does my spouse thing our marriage is in need of spicing up? What am I doing wrong? These are the thoughts that go through the mind of the spouse whose partner has just asked to “spice things up.”
And both of these tracks—the secret use and the “Come on, baby” excuse—lead to the same destination: feelings of doubt and worthlessness in both partners, the betrayal of trust and emotion, and ultimately, the death of the marriage.
I’m not good enough, so I might as well give up.
Or worse, feelings of jealousy and retribution crop up: this other person at work or at school or Starbucks or even at church does treat me like I’m good enough, and so I’m going to step outside my marriage bounds and be with them because they make me feel worthwhile.
It doesn’t matter how you look at it—it’s all death.
Porn always kills.
Secrets Kill Lives. So now that we know how porn kills, let’s look at the other side of the hearse. Because this pandemic goes way, way beyond just the secret of porn. Simply having secrets at all will kill the way you live.
Look, we all have secrets to some degree. It’s just part of the human condition, unless you live in some sort of commune where you’re always around other people at all times, you’re going to have some kind of secrets—and even then, you can still have secrets, because many secrets reside in the mind. And sometimes, those are the worst kind.
But the next time you go out in public, take a look around you and you’ll see a bunch of people keeping secrets. Doesn’t matter who they are, there is something they’re not telling. From the homeless man on the corner to the cashier at the grocery store to the pastor behind the pulpit—secrets are universal.
The question is: are those secrets minor things (“I hope no one notices the concealer I put over my cold sore!”) or major things (“I hope my spouse doesn’t realize I’m having an affair with the person sitting next to them in church!”).
Some secrets get seized upon by major news outlets and then are blasted to every corner of the world (think of the shocking revelation of Tiger Woods’s many extramarital dalliances, or the more recent scandal involving four-star general David Petraeus and his biographer). Other secrets are so private and intimate that they’re only residing in a tiny corner of your own brain, terrifying and terrorizing you by forcing you to consider your own depravity and wretchedness.
Some secrets are extravagant betrayals: affairs, political cover-ups, rapacious greed. Other secrets are seemingly benign: spending too much money on candy at the convenience store, or just wasting time on the internet when you’re supposed to be working.
The point is this, and it really is a simple one:
Keeping secrets kills.
It really does. Whatever you’re holding back is something that, inevitably, in some small part of you, you are worried that will be found out. And worry is the greatest murderer of joy that exists in this world.
That’s why XXXchurch is using the #PornKills hearse to tell everyone that secrets kill lives. You want your life to stay, well, alive? Then get rid of your secrets! Spill the beans! Let loose the dam! Throw down your cards and quit the game!
Whatever your secrets are, they’re killing you from the inside out.
Sin Kills Period.
Why does porn kill marriages? How do secrets kill lives? Why do these things work in ways that only brings death?
Because: they’re sin.
And sin kills. Period.
God tells us that sin brings death. Both to ourselves and to the ones around us that we care about. That’s all there is to it. When you mess around with sin, you’re messing around with something that will ultimately kill you and do serious damage to your wife, your husband, your kids, your parents, your coworkers.
But sin won’t just put a bullet in your head and end it quickly. Nope. Sin will toy with you. It will rob you of your security. Your feelings of stability. Any peace that you might have in your life? Sin will steal that. Any joy that you might feel at the natural wonder of things? Yeah, sin takes that, too.
Sin doesn’t just want to end your life. It wants you utterly, completely, and devastatingly demolished. Ruined and in despair. Hopeless. Penniless. Brainless.
So what are you going to do?
Are you going to let porn run your marriage into the ground?
Are you going to let secrets slit your life’s throat?
Are you going hand over your happiness, your satisfaction, your peace of mind and let them go for a ride in the hearse?
Or are you going to get help?
Are you going to draw a line in the sand and take some action?
Are you going to stick up for yourself and admit to your secrets?
Are you going to fight back?
At XXXchurch, we want to help you do just that. This entire website is crammed with resources to help you overcome your secrets. Your addictions. Your bad habits and bad behavior.
So click around. See what you can find.
Don’t wind up in the hearse.
Jesus brings life.