Letter to myself:
Enough is enough. Enough lies. Enough isolation. I tried to do this before; in my own strength, with God’s help, but I was missing a framework and accountability. I am not going to let shame and fear keep me pinned down in this war. I am making a stand. There are brothers in the next foxhole. I am not alone. Before I was afraid to call out; to see if someone else was around. But together we can take this hill; this ridge. I can’t by myself and he can’t either, but together we become stronger than apart. I will rely on those strong men around me and they can depend on me. Together we will win this war, one battle and skirmish at a time. I am going to reach out to people around me in my life and ask them to stand with me. I will ask them to respect me and deliver nothing but absolute honesty to me. If they can’t do that, then unfortunately we can be the kind of friends that I need to surround myself with right now.
For so long I have believed the lies that have kept me in isolation. I realize that I am a product of my experiences and choices – failures and successes. But from here on out, I need to make sure that the choices that I make – or fail to make – are leading me down the road that I want to be on and not resigned to just being along for the ride. I am NOT the only one. I am NOT defined by my actions, but I WILL define me by positive choices and healthy relationships.
I refuse to propagate the hurt and continue the cycle. I want my daughter to know what a real man looks and acts like. A man who doesn’t back down but also doesn’t have anything to apologize for. A man who loves his wife and treats her with the upmost respect.
I want a health marriage. I want to restore our intimacy to what God intended for it to be in the first place. I want to be able to communicate with my wife and she can be my best friend. I will move beyond the shame and fear of rejection that has bound me for so long. She IS my best friend – I just don’t know it yet. She loves me unconditionally. She, like God, loves me too much to leave me here. We said for better or for worse, I want to mean it. I am at my worst, but together we will arrive at our best.
I am making a commitment to purity and holiness. To being set apart from this world. Set apart for a special purpose. I was created with a plan in mind. I will no longer allow this to distract and disqualify me from that purpose.
Letter from my sex addict:
You’ve tried this many times before. You are a failure and you will fail again. You think you can control me and I let you – just enough so you have the illusion of control. But then I stand up like a man playing with a toddler. He lets the kid land a few punches and kicks, but then he stands up to show who was in control the whole time. You need me. Think you can be satisfied without me, but you can’t. I am an integral part of who you are. We are so intertwined, there is no you without me. You think you are going to have friends and allies, but they will be as undependable as you. You’ll be back, wallowing in your depravity soon enough.