Letter to myself:
You have utterly destroyed my life. You have always been thriving and surviving in the back of my mind, waiting for any and all opportunities to pounce, to shame, to seduce, to lead me further down your pit. I have found no good things in you despite the endless and extravagant promises you have made to me. I have seen what you truly are. I know what you look like. When I got that concussion, I was in a daze in Greg’s car and had a vision of being in a cave. With you. You were a black ooze that was leeching at my leg. I was so sad that I had encountered you once again. I will never forget the sadness, and the truth of your identity that was exposed to me. I still couldn’t leave you. You tear up my heart with your seduction and in your wake is depression, misery and spiritual violence that dwells in my soul for weeks after I am exposed to your actions. I am tired of feeling the wounds of that violence, of that sadness. I am willing to do anything to turn entirely and completely to the light.. This includes seeking help by attending my weekly meeting, staying in daily contact with others in recovery, giving up alcohol, finding a spiritual adviser, and pushing through the uncomfortable pain of exposing my true self to others.. No longer will I choose to believe that I am terminally unique, that I cannot let go of you, that my life will end in misery. I choose to believe that I will win, but only because of God’s help, which will come through spending habitual time with him daily, and through the relationships I made along this journey. I am no longer in the cockpit, God is. I am a survivor and I will win. Remember that.
Tyler
Letter from my sex addict:
Okay, I know you are on to me, but come on. Dude, you have never been able to conquer me. I own you dude. Never have you gone the distance with something and lost so completely. What has it been, 6 years of trying now?? You are not able to beat me!! It’s fantastic that you continue to try! I always win! Don’t you see?! Of course you don’t, you’re an idiot! You are defective, there’s something deeply wrong with you, no wonder your dad abandoned you. Why else would he treat you like he did? So you made amends with him? Good for you! Did anything change? No? Well of course not. And Mom is in denial about everything? Is she in denial… or are you just blowing your whole childhood out of proportion? I will always be here, at your fingertips, ready to sweep you away from all that crap. I know you are ‘super concerned’ and worry about what I might be doing to your marriage, but don’t think about that stuff dude. Don’t think about any of your past consequences. You’ve learned all there is to know in recovery. It won’t work on you. Give it up. You will always feel awkward and never truly feel connected like you do with me. You’re that scared little boy holding the door, listening to Dad break the door trying to get at you. You were traumatized by that, I know. How else can you deal with that other then hanging out with me every once in a while! Just chill dude. Stop wasting your time on all this recovery, you’ve already dredged up all that trauma stuff and look where it’s gotten you! It doesn’t work! I will eventually go away on my own, okay? I promise. You need to keep up your image, because people won’t like you if you act yourself, and God knows you won’t be able to handle their reactions, lest you resort to your childish antics like with your in-laws. Smooth move dude. You want to release that Tyler to the world? Just sit tight dude, its me and you against the world, like it has always been. Stay tough.