I can't remember how old I was the first time I looked at Porn. I must have been six or seven, in the basement of my family's house I found my dads porn stash. I was immediately entranced by what was going on, curious what was happening. I visited the porn stash a couple times a week at least out of curiosity. When I was about 10 my family got the internet for the first time and it was all down hill from there. I discovered masterbation shortly after my parents got the internet and I looked at porn for three or more hours a day. I was home schooled, and with my parents gone to work all day I had all the free time in the world to look at pornography. I did not know or understand what I was getting myself into.
Now I am 22 years old (23 in 7 days), and I am just praying and pleading to get away from porn. I have lived more years as a porn addict then I have lived without porn. I have lived twice as many years as an addict. I read a confession on this site today that was somebody talking about how they harm themselves after they look at porn because of the guilt. I thought about this and part of my confession is that I do the same thing, but I do it in the mental and not the physical. My self loathing has gotten really bad over the last few years and I am extremely ashamed to admit my problems to anybody face to face even though I know it has potential to draw me close to somebody and that confession is a vital step on the road to recovery I know I cannot tell somebody and hold back tears from all the pain this has caused mem and I hate people to see me cry. 2 Years ago I went to a bible college to try to hear God and get help with addiction to Porn and Cigarettes, but I didn't get help. Everyone there was so pure, honest and Loving it was ten times harder to tell anybody about my problem. I thought I would not be able to live anymore if I told someone I had so much respect for and they judged me for it, so I only told one person, one time in a un descriptive brief way that didn't lead him on to how deep the scars were and the fact that I was an addict. It was the hardest words I have ever spit out in my life and even spitting those out I felt helped me. I am so ashamed of telling somebody even when I got caught red handed looking at porn I would not say anything about it, I still try to hide it. I dont know how I am going to live this way any longer, I can't. I have not had a personal relationship with anybody for such a long time, I am distant and have lived through 22 years of lonlieness. What do I do, please pray for me, God told me he loved me when I was at bible college, and he told me he loved me before then when I was almost beat to death even in the midst of my porn addiction. How can I still be addicted to porn in the hands of a loving God?