I don't want to write this, I don't want to be here. The fear of being out in the open and people seeing me for who I am terrifies me. I have masturbated 5 times just today because I am snowed in, instead of working on the important things, I own my own business and I am a graduating senior in college.
I rationalize myself as not that bad, and there are times when I can stop masturbating in spurts, but I always choose to come back to the internet, to run from the real world.
I am my own worst enemy, and that is why I am alone.
I believe that porn may be the cause of these feelings, or amplifies them. I have been looking at pornography on my own for going on 7 years, and I sought it out, it wasn't introduced to me.
I was raised in a very strict "homechooled" environment that I was always ashamed of. My parents set restrictions on me when it came to girls, that they laughed at themselves. They had no such restrictions when they were growing up. They constantly told me about their wonderful dating experiences they had in highschool and college, but would not even allow me to talk to the opposite sex if they could help it.
I was an outgoing child who attracted people, but I was ashamed of so many things I missed out on socially, that I eventually researched "normal" things that people in normal social situations knew about so I wouldn't be rejected as the "virgin." I studied dating, relationships, and even sex, so I could lie effectively.
I live my life vicariously through lies, someone else's life. Lies define who most people see me as, and those who truely know me, reject me, or I reject them first.
If you are still reading, thank you. I am a coward who is lost and confused. I still masturbate on a regular bases, maybe four or five times a week, pretty much whenever I feel scared. I own my business, and I am about to graduate, I am scared a lot.
Porn makes me feel like I have actually done something that feels good, and avoided the pain of hard work and the fear of rejection.
Please comment.