I write this to continue a path to find redemption. I am a forty year old man who has struggled with pornography for a long time.

Early in my seventeen year relationship with my wife she expressed to me her disdain for pornography. I loved her so much I threw the stuff away. It was easy to do at the time because our love was still fresh and new. As our relationship went on a struggled with it not because of the lack of desire for my wife, but for what I thought was for the restrictive boundary that it placed on my Art.

I am an artist. I draw and write stories. I like to draw and write powerful and beautiful women characters. I looked at "Artistic Nudes" for reference material. This however lead to arguments. So I stopped. Again.

For several years I was able to keep the demons at bay. Preoccupying myself with trying to produce a christian comic. I created several ideas that just didn't seem to fly.
So I tried doing a mainstream comic based on my love for Star Wars.

I created a character on a Star Wars site that is what the call a text role play. Meaning that you write from your characters point of view. Your probably wondering by now what this has to do with pornography. The character I created was a female. To stave off ridicule about being gay I created a character that wrote the character. For three years I wrote under this guise. Chatting as a woman in that chatroom of the site as a woman.

Somehow I fell into a bizarre trap. I relished that attention that I as this woman was getting. Alot of my repressed sexuality came out in this character. I did somethings I really not proud of including cybersex. I really didn't understand at the time that I had become so emotionally detached that do this thing was not only hurting me but my wife also.

Then she found out. I hurt her. I hurt her bad yet she still loves me. I now understand that I had strayed so far from my desire for God and my wife is what lead me down this perverse and bizarre path.

My wife is a beautiful woman with an even more beautiful soul and I disrespected her. I devalued her. I humiliated her. I took for granted my very best friend, my lover ,and helpmate. For this I am sorry very, very sorry.

As I marvel at her strength in loving me for better or for worse; I can no longer keep running from this. I need to draw closer to God now more than ever before .I must have faith to know that he is going to give me the strength to overcome. in finding this website and writing my confession I hope to be taking a step in the right direction.

I have prayed to God for forgiveness and know I have been forgiven. I await my wife's forgiveness for as long as it takes. I hope in some small way that this confession and the inevitable feedback to grow and find strength in my battle against this addiction.