I'm sitting here listening to Tiger Woods apology and how he says "I was pleasing only myself," with the temptations around him...and quotes a Buddhist saying, "A craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security" and I cant help but think how true both those statements are to me...

With pornography and masturbation I am pleasing only myself and I am craving things outside of me that are quite pointless and leave me in the end cold, angry sad and unhappy.

I'm worried that with the temptations I face-with flirting with girls by saying things that make them smile, by thinking things I shouldnt be thinking about that I could one day end up as a Tiger Woods...I mean if I cant practice self control in the slightest way now as a 19 year old how can I trust myself to practice self control as a husband?

For me today is day five of lent, and both yesterday and the day before I masturbated-something I was honestly trying to stop this lent...it hasnt even been a week! and I fell already. God I'm so sorry for that, I willingly put myself into that situation to fall and I'm responsible...

I just dont know what to do, I go outside of my dorm each day praying/thinking today I wont think dirty thoughts or flirt but it just does, and to make matters worse I cant imagine what my gf would say if she heard/saw things I say...

I dont deserve her love or God's...I feel like my whole life is falling apart because I'm falling deeper into this cycle of sin, and I'm making the same mistakes I promised myself I wouldnt make..

God I really need help from you I really need you to remind me again for what am I living for, and how I am living right now...I need your forgiveness...

Being all suave and everythign to a girl seems fun and as shes laughing or what ever but after that, after I reflect on the things I said, I just feel like throwing up...I dont have control...and I need it...

I find my thoughts sometimes drifting and imagining what it would be like to engage in sexual activities with random girls even though I know in my heart that pre martial sex isnt something to get involved in, and even though I have a gf...

Im cheating myself and God and that I should be up there with Tiger Woods giving my apologies, to my gf, and to my God...

I need guidance-i need to build self control...

Thanks for listening.

-