I started masturbating when I was 11 years old one night after discovering the prone position. For the first six years I mostly worked from my imagination in order to receive climax but between the ages of 17 and 18 I began looking at pornography on a regular basis. I attended Christian camps and took pornographical materials with me in order to satisfy myself whenever I had some alone time.

After leaving for college I successfully went a few months without pornography (given, I was fooling around with my girlfriend of the time) but quickly fell back into it, to the point of going beyond the free material and actually purchasing online videos and whatnot.

This last year has been extremely bad for me, as I have delved into major hardcore pornography. I began at softcore while I was young but in order to satisfy myself as I got older, had my own computer, and my own room (and being relationshipless), I entered the world of deviance wherein, although I hated it externally, enjoyed watching smothering pornography and deragatory pornography. I hate this prison. I've attempted to quit several times and have failed continuously. I do not have the money to purchase a program to help me work through it, so I have relied on the free X3 watch, which can be uninstalled by me at any time when temptation overcomes me (it is currently uninstalled). Further, I masturbate in a prone (face-down) style which, although I'm not entirely persuaded, I've been told can lead to TMS.

A few months ago I got caught up in more sin while dating a girl and I lost my virginity to her. I told her after the first several times that I did not feel right having sex and we are now actually broken up. That said, I am afraid that my addiction to hardcore pornography has ruined my sexual competency as, out of the dozen or so times we had sex, I never got to an orgasmic state. I am fearful and afraid that even if I get out of pornography that I have ruined myself for my future wife because of it.

Please pray for me. I don't know if I can beat this, since I am too far in.

-R.