I've struggled with porn since I was 14 yrs. old. I went through a divorce 8 years ago after my ex wife had an affair and then left me. The loneliness only reinforced the porn addiction. Two years later I met a woman who really loved Jesus. She had been in the porn business but he saved her. I made the decision to stop. I was porn free for a year before we married. Soon after we were married I noticed that our sex life was off. She seemed a little distant. Two years in sex had come to a crawl. 3 years in we were going months at a time without sex.
The urge to look at porn was back with a vengeance. I Was fighting and praying like crazy. I would beg her to see a counselor only to which see would become furious and say that I didn't love her. I told her that the porn temptation was back and I needed her help. I was walking through an open market and literally stepped over an open porn magazine that was on the ground. That pushed me over the edge. I surfed that night and was devastated the next morning. Total I went almost 4 years with no porn. I thought I was free. Over the past 1.5 years I've gone for 2 months at the longest without porn. We gone to see counselors, read books, prayed, etc. She's broken sexually and doesn't really seem to want sex in our life. I'm honestly hopeless that things will ever be better. I'm angry. The only one who I'm supposed to be with. My cistern of water, is empty. Beautiful woman are everywhere. I don't want to want her sexually anymore because it's hell to look at her day after day and know that If I even bring up sex things will go crazy. Still I'm committed to being faithful and pure. I just haven't done a good job of it. I'm tired of being so double minded and disobedient. I failed again last night and I wanted to confess everything. I want to tell her about it but because of her past and my current job I honestly can't. It would devastate her. I'm done. I know in my heart that Jesus can fix anything but on a practical level it's been very difficult. His mercies are new every morning. If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Jesus help me. Thanks for listening and praying for me.