Life has gone on, living with this addiction. I accepted the Lord at age 12. The cycle of hating myself has always been there. There have been weeks even mounths where I thought I had this battle won, then I give into the temptation, flip a coin or something like that. But I know I am lost when I give in to the thought, (I can keep fliping the coin until it says what I want. Then then I am traped for days weeks. Not unlike a benge drinker, that is how I relate my addiction.
This is totally effecting the relationship with my wife. I was married for 22 years the first time. That marriage did not end because of porn but porn had a major inpact on the relationship. After sex I hated myself, the same feelings I had after porn. you can not burn or destoy your wife as I did porn material. Now I have been married for 9 years. same stuff different marriage. My wife has cancer the doctors can not do anything for. It went away in 2002 and came back with a vengance Jan. 2007. We have not had sex since then. I blame myself, easy for me in this state of mind to justify porn and hate myself for submitting to porn. I am searching for Gods help. there is work to be done for deliverance, this is sin, depression hate, my life is falling appart. I have reached out and am praying for others online. their are so many people fighting porn and its destructiveness. Helping others helps but dose not fix. Going to church, jail ministery, teaching sunday school, preaching and ect. all help they are good actions, porn gets in and has always destroyed these ministrys in my life. Yes it even affects my work, I can not think straight, I do not function well. Please I need help my life is a wreck, AJS