Where to begin? I guess I’d best introduce myself. I am a young man in my twenties and a born-again Christian. I was raised in a Christian home and take the Bible as the inspired and inerrant Word of God. I am single and still a virgin. I don’t drink alcohol, do drugs or smoke.

I do, however, have a fetish (or perhaps fetishes) which, when I really think about it, I find weird, disgusting and just plain wrong. Because of this, I find it hard to talk about it/them with other people – I have only manage to mention it to two trusted male friends, and then I couldn’t bring myself to tell one of them all the details face-to-face; the other I gradually opened up to via instant messaging (which made it easier than a face-to-face discussion).

I’ve been working up to making this post for over a week. I need to get it out, and at least this provides some level of anonymity. Part of me is also curious to know what others think. So here goes…

I’ll try to start at the beginning, as that’s probably the easiest. I can only guess as to where everything started. As far back as I can remember, I always found Violet’s transformation into a “blueberry” fascinating (from the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie – the new Johnny Depp version didn’t exist at the time and I didn’t see it until a year or two ago). I didn’t really connect it with anything sexual at the time.

Around the age of fourteen, I started getting into pornography. We didn’t have the Internet, so I snuck what files I could via floppy disk when I was alone on friends’ or relatives’ computers. It was what is probably called “soft” porn – my fascinating with breasts drew me to pictures of busty, topless women. My fantasises developed into various ideas as to how to increase the size of a woman’s breasts and focussed in on the (impossible) idea of inflatable tissue-like implants that one could inject and then inflate the breast via the nipple or other appropriate orifice.

When we finally got the Internet several years later (around the age of seventeen to eighteen), I randomly did a search. I can’t remember what it was exactly – whether it had to do with the idea of breast inflation, or whether I was curious about Violet’s transformation, or what. But whatever it was, it lead me to a page that connected the various fetishes of breast inflation and body inflation (for those who aren’t sure, this is basically the fantasy of inflating a human body to absurd or impossible proportions, in one of two ways – either the various parts inflate separately, or the whole body expands and ends up relatively spherical, like Violet’s transformation).

I was soon browsing sites that focussed on breast inflation, spherical body inflation and “blueberry girls” (a combination of either breast inflation or body inflation with the purple/blue skin that Violet exhibits in the movie). I became less and less satisfied with the size and shape of the average female breast – I wanted spherical and big (often absurdly or impossibly so). My fantasies turned to various stories and images of women being inflated – either turning into giant blue spheres or ending up with breasts the size of basket-balls or maybe even bigger.

Of course, this all grated against my conscience. I tried to convince myself that it was fine to like blue girls, or hope that if I ever married, my wife would be happy with get her boobs enlarged, but deep down I knew it was wrong. One day I eventually sat down and dissected it all – I tried to work out exactly how I was viewing women and what this was doing to me. It stung and I felt utterly repulsed by it all when I’d finished. I’d reached quite a few conclusions, some of which I’ll outline here:

1. Often the women in my fantasies (and the stories I had read) didn’t have much of a choice in the matter; whether by accident or by force, their bodies or boobs were inflated. In essence, I was enforcing my desires upon them.

2. The women who ended up as big spheres had, in essence, merely become sex toys – flesh for my enjoyment. If it were even remotely possible, then, as is shown in the movies with Violet, they wouldn’t be able to do anything for themselves and would be completely unable to resist.

3. I was often measuring the appeal of the girls I saw when I went out by the size of their bust. Often my first thought when a girl came along with what I considered “big enough” (I think the rough approximation would be an F cup at minimum) was “She’s got great boobs”.

4. I was connecting certain shades of blue with my fantasies. If I saw a girl walking along wearing a top or pants that were the right shade, I’d instantly be reminded and start imagining her inflating into a sphere.
Part of this really stung. Here I was, stripping women of all value beyond their appeal as a sex toy, then forcing my perversions upon them and violating them in my mind. I had ended up desiring something other than what God had designed women to be.

Then began a renewed war on these lusts or perversions, whatever you wish to call them, which I am still fighting today. I am grateful for OpenDNS, K9 Web Protection and X3 Watch – together, they stop me from accessing new material online. X3 Watch I only discovered a few months ago - the others, a few years ago, reducing what I was able to access somewhat. Now the main battle goes on in my mind, for I have a great capacity for imagination and visualisation.

Another source of determination to beat this comes in the form of a female friend whom I have been attracted to for several years. Unfortunately she is not a Christian, but I am hopeful that one day she may become one. She possesses only a small bust; my attraction to her brought to mind the fact that should I ever marry, I want to be satisfied with my wife’s body. And if that means she’s almost flat-chested, then so be it. In some respects, I think my attraction to her has helped, combined with the filtering systems – I realised recently that I do like the normal female form and find it both beautiful and sexually appealing, whereas my perversions have only hollow sex appeal.

The war is far from over, but I believe there is progress. In the end, I want to be able to enjoy the body of my wife, should I marry. I have concluded that the only God-honouring way to enjoy the colour blue on women is to ask my future wife to wear blue clothing or lingerie, as long as it doesn’t remind me of my perversions. I accept that they will haunt me for a very long time, probably the rest of my life, and that I will have to keep fighting.

Thanks for listening.