I'm pretty much going to give an abridged version of my life and why I feel I am where I am today. It's taken me up to 17 years to get to this point. It needs to be aired.

I've known Jesus my entire life. My parents did an amazing job raising me, giving me what I needed, and leading me down a path of wholesome, Christian values. Everything always seemed like it was perfect; but it wasn't.

When I was six years old we went to a local skating rink. There, an older person in the church assisted me into the bathroom. I had been taught to trust this guy all my life. So, what was I to believe could go wrong? There, in that bathroom I was molested. I didn't know it was wrong until I was around eight or nine when there was another case that happened within my social circle. I never told anyone, I never reported it. The first time I ever mentioned it was at Summer camp 2007. I had a sit down with the camp director; we talked for 3 hours. I never took notice on how that would impact me so negatively throughout my life. When I was 12, I then got caught playing "doctor" with a boy. His parents found out and pressed charges against me. I was incarcerated for a day, and labeled a "JSO" (Juvenile Sex Offender). My record may be sealed, but the thought of it lingers over me like a rotting corpse every day. All of a sudden, I was thrown into the lion's den of humanist social workers, worldy therapists, psychologists, and other neuro-professionals. I had one Christian therapist, she was the only one that ever made any sense to me. Two years in and out of "group" meetings and 1on1's with my therapists...etc. I thought I was "cured" I thought I could just live a normal life.

I was wrong.

I was introduced to pornography while in counseling, It was unlawful for me to view...So I didn't. But, when I was off probation at 16... It was an absolute free-for-all. I discovered chat rooms around that age, and a bunch of gay men were telling me exactly what I wanted to hear... "It's ok", "You're really cute", etc. Things that inflated my ego and left me wanting more. I was really into the chat rooms and seeing men on their webcams that I eventually made alternate persona's as women to lure hetero men into showing off their goods. I've done this since then until now. With the advent of new technology it's easier and easier to see what my body craves.

When I was 16 I had a "friend" named Joey. He was moreso comfortable with his sexuality and flaunted it. I found myself very much so attracted to him. By this time the only sexual contact I ever had was in negative ways by older men. I knew I was supposed to be sexually attracted to women. But, it seemed like that was never going to happen... It felt "right" to look at men. We engaged in oral sex from time to time. every time we did, my mind kept telling me to stop but I didn't until we stopped hanging out a year or so later.

When I was 18 I had a friend who just turned 17 and he ended up opening up to me that he was struggling with the same thing. We thought with the right amount of guidance we could see each other through this rough patch and be successful men of God. Well, were we wrong. We spent wayyy too much time together I do firmly believe I fell in-love with him. Talk about being confused about it all. I disguised it as a "brotherly love". The thing that turned it all for the worst was that he told me he loved me too. That was the beginning of the end of our friendship. We experimented and it just made this terrible between us. We no longer talk to this day.

When I was 19, at summer camp, I thought I had it alllll figured out. I was going to talk it out, get away from the porn, and finally have a "normal" life..... wrong.
After camp I was "clean" for a month, but got hit on at a public venue and ended up hooking up with this guy. That night broke me spiritually and I just kept going further away from God. From the outside eye, you would've never known. I've dated a few women since I turned 19 and I find myself attracted to them -- just not sexually. Until recently. I'll be 23 in a few weeks and am so excited by this woman in my life. The only thing is, I am still addicted to gay video chat rooms. Please pray for me as myself and my accountability partners work through this time.