I was 10 when I was first exposed to porn. Of course it just grew and grew... And now, 10 years later, I'm still at it.

There's a quote by CS Lewis that says this: "A famous Christian told us long ago that when he was a young man he prayed constantly for chastity; but years later he realized that while his lips had been saying, 'Oh Lord, make me chaste', his heart had been secretly adding 'But don't do it just yet.'"

I feel like I'm in the same place. I know that what I'm doing is gonna cause hectic damage in my life at some point, but because it hasn't yet I'm holding onto it. Lord make me clean, but not yet...

I'm a Christian guy, youth leader at church, worship leader... I know Jesus and I love Him so so much... Yet day after day, week after week... Satan has a hold on me. I always said that if Satan ever had to appear to me it would definitely be in the form of a naked woman.

The worst thing is I'm getting to the point where I don't feel as guilty as I used to. It used to tear me apart inside, sink me totally... Now it's almost as if I've accepted that this is how it is. And I know that that is seriously not a good sign.

Porn and masturbation... My thorn, my weakness, my darkness. I don't want anyone to know and yet I wish they did.

I do know that the only way to stay clean is to have an accountability system of sorts... And so what I want to ask you is to pray that I get bold enough, strong enough, humble enough to tell someone and start up an accountability group. As you know all too well, the lone ranger thing doesn't work in this game...

As I've been writing this I have decided: This week I commit to speaking to someone about all this. Pray please!

Thanks...

Think Jesus <~>