It seems to me that I have hyper driven myself to be perfect. Thinking, that if I do so, God cannot hold anything against me and that everything will be OK. I have come to understand that this is a trap from hell. Because, when you endeavor to be "good" as I have, you close yourself off to God, because after all-you are good, so what do you have to listen to God for? That is why our self imposed righteousness is as filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6). Instead, I run from God, terrified that He will smack me down. (And He does sometimes. I am a child of God and He chastens me. Sometimes the agony of it lasts for years. But that is because I won't listen.) Or terrified He will tell me to go to Africa. Or something that I do not want to do. I have created a level of misery that I am comfortable with, and I don't want to leave it. I just don't want to suffer anymore. It seems that I have 100 ways to go right now, 99 of them are euphoric and wonderful (But I know better) and 1 is painful, and awful as I deny myself and what I want. Nothing in this goddamned world is worth turning your back on God. Nothing. I wish I could say I didn't know what to do, but I do know. I have to suffer, in Gods will. I have to suffer the destruction of this world that Satan and I created inside of me, that now has to come down. Satan made sure so much of it was "load bearing" and structural. Especially agonizing to see die. I struggle a lot of the time with rage against God. It's all my fault, I know. Then, for a fraction of a second, I see how much He loves me and is helping me. How do I see that all the time? The truth is hard times are coming. Not just for me, but for everyone. Please pray for me if you read this and love God. I need help loving Him. I need help.