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Sex with Wife or 3 Hours of Porn?

by Mike Genung on July 18th, 2012 in Men

Sadly, many men would take the last one. But porn warps a man’s character, with devastating results:

He cares only about himself; pride. Many of his problems stem from this root issue.

Masturbating to porn trains him to climax quickly. If/when sex with his wife occurs, he’s a short story… if that. 

His perception of sex and reality are totally warped. He would rather masturbate to a picture of naked woman who cannot comfort him, wants nothing to do with him, and who probably hated being in a porn movie/picture shoot, than enjoy an exhilarating, satisfying ride to the top with his God given spouse.

As time progresses and he indulges in porn more often, having sex with his wife becomes emotionally strained. It’s hard to be intimate with your wife when you know you’re committing porn-adultery against her; shame is an intimacy killer.

Compare all of this to marital sex:

Whereas porn is a one-dimensional, shallow act of selfishness, marital sex is a multi-faceted diamond that involves physical and emotional intimacy, the fun of discovering what pleases each other, and the joy of reaching the peak together.  Sex with the spouse is far more enjoyable than anything porn offers.

Marital sex spouse has a bonding effect. I always feel that my wife and I have strengthened our union afterwards.

The communication that takes place during sex enhances the bonding process. Expressions of love and other intimate conversation take a husband and wife to places porn can’t come close to. I can’t imagine a guy talking to himself and telling himself he loves himself while he’s masturbating to porn.

Marital sex is a gage of how the relationship is doing. I have to treat my wife with kindness, care and respect for sex to happen (and vise-versa).  If she’s turning me down and there isn’t a physical reason, it forces me to re-examine how I’m doing with carrying out one of God’s greatest commands to me as a husband – to love my wife as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5).

Sex with my wife gets me focused on her; the opposite of what porn and pride do. 

The afterglow of marital sex is warm and loving, whereas with porn there’s only emptiness, shame and remorse. 

Marital sex is satisfying. Porn? Never! 

Maybe you want to change but are stuck. Here are some guide posts that will help you in the journey to healing: 

Stop using all porn, no matter what it takes; support groups, accountability software, counseling, books, whatever. There will be no progress made until you’ve taken this step.

Set the idea of sex aside, and focus hard on the relationship with your wife. Take her on a date to a place she likes. Have fun together again; rediscover the woman you married.

Show her you care. Listen to her fears, needs and concerns. Ask her how her day went. Ask questions and encourage her to talk about her feelings. Don’t try to fix her when she shares, especially if it’s about her weaknesses or failures.

Stop criticizing her.

Stop comparing her to the porn-images you’ve exposed yourself to. Set firm boundaries in your mind that from this day forward, the only woman you will want to want is your wife. Ask for God’s healing touch in your mind and your heart from the mental adultery you’ve committed.

Do special, out of the ordinary things for her. Get her a card, make her dinner, buy flowers. Surprising her will help spark the friendship again.

Embrace humility. If she points out a way you’re hurting her or not taking care of her and she’s right, bite the tongue, swallow the pride, and ask God to help you change. Confess to her that she’s right.

Help out around the house. She’s not your maid, but your best friend.

Pray together, every day. I can’t overemphasize this one. I’ve heard a statistic that couples who pray together daily divorce one in one thousand, while those who don’t divorce one in two. Praying together is a fantastic way to draw close to your wife, and it brings the Lord into your marriage, which is what you need for healing.

When sex does happen:
Don’t make it a rush to the finish line; take your time and get into foreplay.
Remember that sex is an act you’re enjoying with your best friend, not something you’re doing to “get off.”
Open up the lines of communication. Talk to her about what you like and ask her about what she likes. Tell her you love her.
If you suffer with premature ejaculation, read up on techniques for prolonging sex and/or see a doctor if you need to. Tell your wife you may need a little time to re-adjust physically and emotionally.

Be patient. If you’ve spent years acting out with porn and your marriage is in a bad place, don’t expect your wife to warm up to you overnight. Keep working at it, and be determined to persevere until you’ve had a breakthrough. 

Mike Genung struggled with sexual addiction for 20 years before God set him free in 1999. He is the founder of Blazing Grace, and the author of The Road to Grace; Finding True Freedom from the Bondage of Sexual Addiction, available at www.roadtograce.net

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  • One_Reader

    ( or find a woman to marry who really likes porn, too.) There seemed to be an obvious contradiction between the title/thesis and line 3.

    What is sad is these young guys who have ED due to porn! WT_?
    Lots I could disagree with, but those who are of this persuasion will likely enjoy this article and the praying together is wise counsel rarely heeded.

  • babysloth

    Just a thought, One_Reader, how would a married couple who both really like porn be drawn closer together through sex (especially if watching porn is lusting after others and causes one to do so in their daily life as well)? Sex should be physically and emotionally intimate…porn is neither — very much the opposite, actually. I am also seeing an obvious contradiction.

    • One_Reader

      I take it that the contradiction you see doesn’t appear in the blog post :-)

      Watching porn doesn’t cause me to want to have sex with the people in the video; it arouses sexual excitement. Same thing happens to couples. If you look at enough varieties and venues, there will be occasions of learning new things. Couples can look at it as entertainment and share what they like with each other. I don’t think they should watch it while they’re having sex. I’m not sure how you can have sex and NOT be drawn closer together as long as you have real loving sex, not gonzo porn sex.

  • Wes Henry

    I speak as a man with very recent experience in all of this. First off how dare you one_reader for thinking that pornography brings you closer to your spouse and especially to post such a thing on a website such as this. You’re living in a dream world with yourself on the throne thinking that you’re the exception to the rule.Some people think that porn enhances their sex lives by having both partners watch together. What really happens is the guy enjoys it and the woman just wants to please her husband so she goes along with it. In my opinion you need to enhance your sex life because you have something missing. A deep down to earth personal relationship with Jesus Christ that you own up to and truly believe.

  • Justin

    Thank you, Mr. Genung. That’s what I needed to hear and be reminded of.

  • k

    As we walked in the French Quarter of New Orleans, my wife said that she would like to go in one of those sex shops one day. She knew that I had visited some. I was horrified inside. The last thing I desired was for her to get hooked. Even though it was unlikely, I did not want to be the reason for her entry into that sordid world. But my continued involvement with online viewing eventually contributed to our divorce.

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