My daughter is 17. While I’m not that old (at least I don’t think that I’m that old) it’s sometimes difficult for me to remember what being 17 was like. I was given a heavy reminder yesterday when she shared some concerns that she has about a very good friend who is making some risky, poor decisions about sex. I’ve known this girl for years, and it made me sad. I’ve been thinking about Ephesians 6:4 ever since.
“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
I grew up in a household that was really heavy on the “obey your parents” (Eph 6:1) part of this passage. We sort of overlooked the rest. I was pretty promiscuous in my teens; in fact, I had my daughter when I was 17. I don’t blame my parents' strict rules for my decisions. Those were my choices. However, I do wonder if some of their rigid structure contributed to their missing what had to be rather obvious signs. I see the same pattern playing out with my daughter’s friend.
My daughter appears exasperated a lot of the time (especially when she’s told to clean her room). I don’t think that’s the kind of exasperation Paul is talking about in this verse. Being the nerd that I am, I looked it up. Here’s what I found (thank you Merriam-Webster!):
Exasperate – Adj: Irritated or annoyed especially to the point of injudicious action.
In other words, irritating someone until they do something stupid. Obviously, we need to offer instruction to our children. Often that instruction means communicating rules, guidelines, and boundaries. As parents, I think that we need to be careful when we do the communicating. If we aren’t, we can easily become exasperating and have terrible results.
• He is relational – Some of the best instruction in the Gospels happens when Jesus is engaging in a relationship with people. Think about the times that he is alone with the disciples, dining with the Pharisees and tax collectors, visiting with Mary and Martha, or staying with Zaccheaus. He refrains from asserting authority and prefers influencing through his relationships.
• He is conversational – Jesus didn’t walk around spouting out rules. He talked with people. A lot. He wanted to know what was going on in their lives and taught them out of their experience. He took the time to let people know that he knew where they were coming from and took the time to hear them out. Think about his conversations with Nicodemus and the Samaritan woman.
• He is direct – When Jesus is giving instruction, he is direct and to the point. He doesn’t pull any punches or have a hidden agenda. He means what he says and says whet he means, no beating around the bush. Think about every conversation he ever had!
• He has a clear message – When Jesus taught, he knew that his message only mattered if it was clearly understood, hence all the parables. He made sure that he put his words into a context that was relevant and easy to understand. He used things that people were familiar with, like farming, to make his point.
• He is other focused – Jesus never said, “Follow this teaching because I said so – period.” He gave his instruction and let everyone know how it would benefit them to follow it. In other words, he told people what was in it for them. Have faith and be healed; believe and have eternal life; seek the kingdom first and all these will be added unto you.
Parents, teach your children in a way that will not exasperate them or cause them to turn away and rebel. Relate to them by stepping into their world. Have real, open conversation with them and hear them out. Be direct without hidden agendas or ulterior motives. Make sure your words are easy to understand and age-appropriate. Keep your focus on them and explain how what you’re saying will benefit them in the end. Basically, teach them the way Jesus would teach them.
