Parents - Questions

Firstly, I am very very sorry for all of the early exposure to pornography that you had as you were growing up.  Additionally, I am so sad to hear about the cycle of brokenness in your uncle's life and the addiction to pornography that both he and your husband seemed to struggle with.  

Secondly, It's clear that your own life story has given you a special sensitivity to this issue, but I do not think that you are being naive.  I think it was absolutely appropriate for you to notify this boy's parents of the post on Facebook.  I think one of the problems today is that parents don't communicate with eachother.  I think you were acting bravely and in the best interests of both your daughters and of this boy.  I would hope that a parent would tell me the moment they noticed my son or daughter posting something like that to their Facebook account.

Thirdly, I am deeply troubled and surprised my the responses you received from both the mother and the father, and I am sorry for the way they have handled this exchange.  Perhaps they were (or are) embarassed/ashamed/angry that you noticed the post before they did, or perhaps they feel judged?  Either way, it seems as though a woman and man seeking to follow Christ would not be proud or supportive of pornography use.  Given that you are in the same community/social circles as this family, I would consider getting a neutral, Christian moderator to help you flesh this situation out a bit more.  Perhaps if you shared a little of your own story and a little about the potential harms/dangers associated with pornography, these parents would at least begin to udnerstand where you were coming from.

Fourthly, if this boy is still persuing your daughter, and given that he told your husband that he wanted to pursue Christ, I would have a sit down with him and express your family's beliefs about pornography, sexual purity and your related expectations for how he should treat your daughter.  I believe your actions were protective of your daughter and fully appropriate, and if your daughters' emotions and physical purity are invovled, it seems absolutely your place to say something, but it's clear that this boy may be getting a lot of mixed messages from home.

Fifthly, Just as an FYI, it is possible to group your friends and connections on Facebook so you can share and notify different groups of friends different information, which may explain why you did not receive the post yourself and only saw it on your daughter's FB.

Finally, I am sorry again for all that you have been though, and I don't think that it's our job as parents to throw up our hands and lower our standards just because the content and culture has shifted so much.  Yes, many of our kids are struggling with pornography and watching and getting involved with questionable material, but parents can make a difference.  I've worked with many kids who have turned away from their pornography habits and who have stopped watching music videos and other questionable content as they get serious about their relationship with Christ and understand more about pursuing sexual purity.

Thank you very much for your question, and I am so glad to hear that (up to this point) you have been engaging in an open dialogue about sex and related issues--this has surely set a firm foundation for your conversations about masturbation.  Overall, opinions about masturbation vary widely in Christian circles, but it's our perspective at XXXchurch.com that masturbation isn't God's best.  While this may sound extreme to some, we just don't see how masturbation can honor God since God calls us to purity and holiness.  Why do we believe this to be the case?  Well, masturbation often involves fantasy and lust, it can distance us from God, it's often used as an escape, it teaches us to have selfish sex and it can often intensify sexual desires and lead to a life-shaping pattern.  

This being said, it's important not to condemn or try to "scare" your son away from this and other sexual struggles.  Coming from a Christian perspective, it's important to help our kids seek self-discipline and purity.  Help your son consider that the pattern he establishes in his life as a tween and teenager (with sex, masturbation, what he watches, etc.) will often carry through the rest of his life.  

Your son will probably stumble at some point in this area, and it's important to help him understand that he isnot gross, weird or perverted for engaging in masturbation.  As you have probably talked to him before about, his human desires are natural and God-given, we just need to target those desires for God's best context.  

The best approach to take is to talk through sexual purity.  Have your son think through what he's taking in/watching on TV/listening to online/watching on the Internet/where he is letting his mind dwell and ask him to think about whether those things honor God.  Help your son make wise choices so he has some safeguards up to protect him.  I would also talk to him about accountability--as he approaches his teenage years, having a male role model or a friend that he can confide in and who can encourage him in all areas of sexual purity and sin will be an important component to helping him in his walk.  

You may also want to let him know about our Operation Save the Kittens, which is a humorous take on masturbation prevention, and you should also check out some recent blogs that address this issue in a helpful way, including:

-Myth: I need to Masturbate and

-Why You Should Care if Your Child is Masturbating

Thank you for sharing your struggle.  It is my hope that as other parents read about your family's experience, that they will be motivated to place parental controls (like Safe Eyes) on their computers and Internet-connected devices before their own son or daughter has been exposed to pornography.  In terms of resources, we have a number of resources that would be great for your son and your family to read in the reousrces section of our site.  I would also encourage you to check out some of the videos from our "Voices" effort as good launch-pads for family discussion.  Another good resource is the Internet Safety 101 program, which covers Internet safety more broadly, but Pornography more specifically... it has a number of testimonials from teens that have struggled with pornography addictions and exposure that may be appropriate for you to watch with your son.  And depending on what level of exposure your son has had, then yes, it may be waise to talk to a Christian counselor, but you and your husband should assess the level of his exposure and any continued use before taking that extra step.  If your son is struggling to make sense of what he has seen or is continuing to find ways to look at pornography on a regular basis, then you should consider talking to your youth pastor or pastoral care team to learn of a good, local counselor that can help.

It sounds like your son has been very brave as he has shared this struggle with you and your husband.  Since he has been engaging in this behavior for five years now, he very much could feel dependant or addicted to the release and pleasure he experiences from masturbation.  Keeping the doors open and keeping the lines of communication open is a great first step in your household, and I do believe that your prayers will bring forth fruit.  If you aren’t using filters on your home computers and all mobile and other Internet-enabled devices, I would also encourage you to do so to make sure that your son is not also struggling with pornography use or viewing content that could be feeding his need/desire for sexual release (our X3watch PRO or SafeEyes are both great resources).  Talk with him and consider his media diet… the shows he watches, the movies he sees, the music he listens to… when the content we take in is sexual, it often lowers our ability to say no to giving into a sexual impulse.  You might also consider getting him some books that can help, like Every Young Man’s Battle or Questions You Can’t Ask Your Mama About Sex, or any of the others listed in our teen area of the site that can help him in his pursuit of freedom from this issue.  Enlisting an older Christian peer—someone that can disciple him and help him stay accountable can also go a long way in helping him walk in freedom.  At times, the encouragement we can provide as parents can only go so far—in my life, having peers and leaders I could confide in and be challenged by was key to my personal ability to walk in freedom from sexual sin, and I know that this has been key to many of the children, teens and adults that we have worked with.  You may also talk with your son to see whether he would be open to going to a Christian counselor to talk about his experience and struggle with masturbation—the deeper levels of conversation and professional intervention can be a wonderful resource and help for those who struggle with addictive patterns of behavior.  We believe that if your son sincerely wants true freedom from his masturbation, that with the appropriate steps, he will reach a place where he will have the desire, discipline, accountability and encouragement to walk away from his pattern of masturbation and walk towards true purity in Christ.  Thank you for having the grace and patience to help your son as he struggles!  

First, let me commend you for taking a deep breath and waiting a moment to collect yourself and your thoughts before talking with your son.  That can be a pretty traumatic experience for both parent and child, and so it seems as if you took the right first step to keep the lines of communication open as you continue to discern what to do next.  I hope that this story reminds parents to use a filter and parental controls on their computers and their child’s mobile devices to prevent exposure to pornography as much as possible at home.  I’ve known so many parents that don’t use a filter or install accountability software until their child is already very deep into their use of pornography—so parents that are reading this, it’s important to understand that I’ve counseled parents that have learned that their sons (and daughters) encountered pornography at a very, very young age (4, 5, 6 years old), which opened the door for their use of the content.  As you have learned, pornography can be very enticing to a young mind, and kids like your son are naturally very curious about sex, and it’s only natural for boys at this age to be experimenting with masturbation.  I would encourage you even now to consider installing a filter (like our X3watch PRO) on your computer to help your son stay away from his regular use of pornography.  Also, consider enlisting someone else from his youth group or another more mature Christian male to engage with him in conversations about purity and his use of pornography.  This could be a great time to help your son understand the need for male accountability and to experience the freedom that comes from confessing our sins and finding encouragement and strength from those around him.  It might also be worthwhile to get him a few books, like Every Young Man’s Battle and Questions You Can’t Ask Your Mama About SEX to help him grasp the real repercussions of porn use and why accountability and discipline are key to experiencing sex the way God designed us to.  And if your son finds that he is still really struggling with ending his use of pornography, I would consider talking to him about enlisting a counselor to help him get to the root of his issues.  Is he just curious about sex or is he using pornography to fill a deeper need or distract or numb himself from something else he is going through in life?  Prayers that your son finds freedom, and grateful again to hear that you extended so much grace to your son!

Hi there,

First let me say how sorry I am that you and your husband discovered that your son is viewing graphic pornography.  I know this can be quite a shock to many parents, and we do so often hear that many parents think that their own kids will never get caught up in a pornography addiction.  Unfortunately, it sounds as if your son has probably been using pornography for quite some time.  Most individuals who use pornography and develop a dependency or addiction on pornography begin to justify their use of pornography while also becoming rather desensitized to the content that they see.  When a young person first views pornography or first begins to use pornography, they often feel upset, ashamed, remorseful, etc., but with increased use and exposure, it can become more difficult for the user to distinguish between right and wrong.  They find many justifications for their use of pornography and become more entrenched in their use.  This doesn’t mean, however, that they can’t become free from their addiction to pornography.  As you may recall from our time at ECC 10 years ago, one of the benefits of our ministry is that we so often hear and experience stories of freedom and recovery, so I do believe that your son can experience freedom from his addiction and use of Internet porn, but he can only experience this freedom if he is the one who wants to change.  While I am thankful that you and your husband spent time talking candidly with him, remember, it’s not our place to condemn.  Continue to let him know that you are concerned for him—ask him why he is looking at pornography, and give him the space to explain.  Many use pornography as a form of escape, sexual release or as a way to experience sex without losing their technical virginity.  Also, consider enlisting another young adult to talk with him about pornography and sexual purity.  As parents, it can be challenging to talk candidly and get to the real heart of the issue with our own kids sometimes—so see if he would be willing to talk to someone in your church’s college ministry, a counselor or peer about these issues.  Another strong Christian man would be a key asset to help him stay accountable if he ends up deciding that he wants freedom.  As I’ve mentioned, it’s up to every man and woman to decide if they want to live a life of freedom and purity in this area.  Ultimately, if your son doesn’t want to change, then you may be just able to support him and pray for him along his journey.  At some point, with the Lord’s grace, he will get fed up with his addictive behavior and begin to seek the Lord’s healing and freedom.  In the meantime, consider checking out some of the resources we have here—like Every Man’s Battle that can help cast light on this issue for your son, and remember to always use a filter (like our X3watchPRO) on your home computers.

Protecting and helping your son with this issue is especially challenging without your ex-husband’s support, and I am sorry it feels like you are fighting this battle alone.  Ultimately, it’s important that you try not to blame or shame your son for his access to pornography, sex chats and sexting and porn community sites and apps.  His initial exposure to pornography and continued access to pornographic sites, although harmful to him in the long-term, is an unfortunately common experience.  And as you know, it is possible that his access to his sites is his form of “coping” or “numbing” himself to the fallout of the divorce and any continues stress and anxiety he faces.  That isn’t to say that it justifies his use of pornography and access to these sites, and you are right to confront him and question therapists who essentially give him a pass to continue in his behavior. 

That being said, It’s key that you keep the lines of communication open and try not to push him away.  Continue to let your son know that you are concerned about him.  Continue to try to explain to him that pornography and sex chatrooms are not healthy escapes from whatever he is going through, and, although he may not be aware of the consequences now, at some point, most individuals who consistently use pornography will struggle in their real, face-to-face relationships, will struggle to connect sexually with a future spouse and often find their porn and sex chat use impacting their finances, careers and offline life.  If there is any way for you to help your son connect with a strong Christian man—someone a bit older than him—who can challenge him as a mentor about these issues and try to help him make mature choices, that could be a help since his father is not filling that role (if you are involved in a church or faith-based community, a youth group leader may be of help). 

Overall though, it’s up to every individual, to decide whether they really want to live free and pure.  Ultimately, if your son does not want to change, you are right, when he is out of your home, he won’t.  You will just need to be available for him to talk to and be prepared to support him when he does realize that his behaviors are harmful and wants to change.  At some point, almost all people who struggle with some form of sex addiction get fed up with their addictive and harmful behavior.  You may also want to consider having him read some of our books to try and show him that pornography can be extremely harmful.  

Also, if you are paying for your son’s phone, then it may be worthwhile to disconnect his access to the Internet and place some protections in his mobile phone (like a filter) so he can’t access apps and other programs that could be harmful (check our or partner, Safe Eyes, that has resources for mobile devices).

Thank you for reaching out to us!  In our work, we have found that many of the teen-level sex addiction groups will begin with kids as young as 12-years old (Pure Life Ministries has a strong database of counselors and programs that may help you, and a group called House of Hope treats and works with kids 12+ for a variety of issues including SA, both individually and in group settings).  If you are involved with a church or a faith-based community, talking with a youth leader or an on-staff pastoral care member should also be able to help you find local support groups and resources. 

The “tweens” that we have worked with generally get plugged in to an accountability group through their youth group, where they can build friendships and share their struggles in a safe environment.  In some instances, a younger tween has been paired with a mentor teen—someone that has been through the same struggle, but who had been able to walk away from their SA and can encourage their mentee down a similar path… so, in the event you cannot find someone your son’s age, this may be a beneficial approach.

Additionally, many of the books that we have on the site could also be helpful for your son—encouraging him that he is not alone or weird for struggling with pornography, while also providing some helpful steps to try to break his cycle of pornography use.  I am so proud of your son—that he was willing to come to you and let you know that he is struggling.  You are probably already aware of parental control software (like Safe Eyes, and accountability software like X3watch PRO), but that can also provide some protection for him while he is in your home.  Unfortunately, as you have found, although SA resources and community groups are exploding across the nation, the burden, especially for younger kids, or protecting and guiding rests often on the parents, alone.  We are going to be offering an online group meeting (X3Groups) for teenagers this February that would provide some support for your son for you to consider.  Blessings to you and prayers for recovery and continued strength for your son.

I am so sorry to hear about your son's early exposure to pornography!  I know that for any parents, it can be very troubling to realize that their son or daughter saw such graphic content at such a young age.  It can also be difficult to process the reality that their children are drawn to the pornographic content that they encounter online, but you and all parents with this experience should realize that this story is all too common.  Whenever we allow our children to have unrestricted Internet access, we are placing them at risk to encounter pornography, and it's only natural for them to feel a combination of interest, fear and excitement when they encounter sexual content.  Boys (and many girls too) are naturally attracted to naked bodies, but, unfortuntately, at a young age, they do not have the mental maturity to be able to distinguish between fantasy, healthy sexuality, pornography and real sex.  Since kids have such easy access to pornography and sexual content through the Internet, cable and their mobile devices, parents have to be vigilant.

We recommend that parents:

• Use parental controls on all Internet-connected devices (their home computer, laptops, gaming devices, mobile phones, smartphone, iPads, etc... and we recommend SafeEyes).  Passcodes are often not enough, we need to have a strong filter turned on to prevent accidental and intentional exposure.
• Have regular conversations about healthy sexuality, and use everyday opportunities to reinforce your values and standards regarding sex.  So take the extra step to continue to process and address this topic with your son (beyond the initial talk you had when he first was encountering pornography).
• Talk about why pornography isn't healthy or good, and address the harms of pornography in an age-appropriate fashion.
• Engage with other parents.  So often, even when parents have set up appropriate restrictions and parental controls at their home, their children encounter pornography at a friend's home.  Find out what safeguards other parents have established before allowing your son or daughter to spend the night or hang out at someone else's home.  Debrief with them when they come home and watch for warning signs that they are encountering pornography or using pornography.
• Consider reading a book together with your son when he reaches his teenage years (such as Every Young Man's Battle).
• If he continues to struggle with addictive access to pornography, it may be useful to talk with a local counselor regarding how to help your son appropriately process the content that he has seen.
• Check out our resources and information on the site... more will be coming soon!

I would check out the resources section in the site. I have provided the link here as well.

http://www.xxxchurch.com/gethelp/parents/