My husband has struggled with porn and masterbation since we met. My biggest problem is the lack of trust. I have been open and honest with him regarding my falls in internet use and masturbation and he says he is doing the same but every 6 months or so I find out somehow he has been doing things he shouldnt and swearing to me he's porn and masterbation free. No struggles, no falls. The last time it was an entire month of videos on his cell phone. And I just cannot get past it. I have always bounced back fairly well and started over believing he would be true to his word this time. but it's been 11 months since this particular incident and there was even anther one since and I am still hurting so bad and so angry and I don't seem to be able to forgive him. I don't know how to anymore. I am so suspicious of everything. It is bondage I know it is and each day it is debilitating my life more and more. I am afraid to leave him home alone, I worry when he gets gas or goes to the store. I know by now I can't stop him or make him be transparent, but how do I be ok with it? How do I stop feeling like living a normal life and him being alone isn't a stupid mistake? even when I do manage to leave him home alone how do I make the thoughts of how stupidly nieve I am being stop???? How do I get the love back I once had for him? One of the most painful things with all this is it's slowly eating away at even our past. All of our happy memories are being taken away from me. It's like even the really good things we have done or had between us are all tainted by his lies. I look back on something and remember that he was hiding this or that when we had that special moment. He is truly a good man in soooo many ways. But this is eating away at every part of our life and every thought I have revolves around this somehow or another. I've never seen the ocean and he sincerely told me he wants to be able to take me there someday and my thought was you just want to enjoy beach scenery. And I can honestly say that he would find a way to go to a cold part of the ocean where there'd be no chace of him seeing a bikini if I wanted. But what kind of life is that? WHat kind of life is this? He knows how I feel. I shared my beach bikini thoughts and all the ones I have about him looking at magazines at the grocery and all. But this isn't working. Please help me. Please don't say give it to God....I don't know how tell me how. I want to live a better life. I want to not be paranoide to leave my house or walk out of the room to go pee when he is watching tv. Yes it is really that bad! Is my problem lack of forgivness? how do I forgive? How do I stop being crazy? How do I be ok knowing there is a good chance he is actually making bad decisions when he is not with me? How do I be ok giving myself to him and sharing my thoughts and emotions and my normal everyday with some one who is very probably lieing to me and hiding intimate parts of himself from me?