Being married to a sex addict is not an easy life. I know because I’ve been married to one for over 16 years. We began dating when I was 17 years old and our journey with sexual addiction began. At that time I discovered a massive stack of pornography magazines which I excused as boys being boys. However, unknowingly to me, this began my roller coaster ride with his addiction.
We married soon after when I was 19 and as the years progressed, our marriage continued in chaos as we grew further and further apart. I lived in misery not knowing why my husband was so angry, distant, and non-communicating with me. We were trapped in a vicious cycle of me catching him in his addiction, him apologizing, and me demanding he change.
Through the years I discovered hidden pornography videos, calls to sex hotlines, porn websites my husband visited, a picture “collection” and conversations he exchanged with women via email. My discovery always left me feeling shameful, insecure, bitter, angry and alone. I wanted desperately for my husband to love me for me and to only have eyes for me. Unfortunately, I didn’t see how this could ever happen. I felt very trapped, isolated, and alone.
This type of negative effect was not only my problem but it greatly impacted my children as well. They did not fully have their father and mother but two people ensnared in the effects of sexual addiction. My children were quickly developing emotional scars due to the trauma caused by this “silent killer” named sexual addiction.
Thankfully, this “silent killer” in my marriage came to a screeching halt when after 15 years I uncovered his dirty little secret yet once again. However, this time around was different; I no longer tried to control or manipulate him into changing. I made the decision to surrender him fully to God. I simply let go and let God. I accepted that my husband was beyond my repair and that I could not fix him. The only one that had that kind of power was Jesus Christ. All I could do was set firm boundaries and stick to them. I relied on God and put all my faith in Him to get me through. I also chose to focus on my healing and my relationship with God which gave me peace during the storm.
Today, I can happily say that my marriage is the best it has ever been. My husband has discovered a relationship with God he has never known before and he works his own recovery while I work my own. I had to get out of the way and allow my husband to find his own way out instead of always trying to control and manipulate him into changing. When I did, God showed up! He showed up in a big way. We renewed our vows and recently celebrated 16 years of marriage. I truly do love my husband more today than I ever thought possible. It is still not a cake walk but a journey; however, our journey now is together instead of separated and alone. I pray you know that you are not alone. I am praying for you and hope that you are encouraged through my journey.
