It all started when my older brother showed me porn when I was about 4-5 years old. He also touched me and I'm now 'curious' about guys and I think because of my brother touching me I'm kinda bisexual but I cant stand to be around gays people. The worst part is that I have two friends; ones pretty much full on gay and the other one is bisexual(my mom loves the both of them so I usually have to hang out with them).

I have been in a church for my whole life and I have been so sheltered that i think I jest want to try every thing... from drugs to sex. I'm addicted to smoking and porn, along with masturbation. I guess that my whole life I've tried to blame my oldest brother for all my porn problems, but even though I want it to be his fault I know its my fault. Even when I was 4 i knew that it was wrong but I thought it was normal, but now its an addiction that I need help getting rid of but the problem is my mom.
My mom is a nice forgiving mother, but she hates porn. Shes caught me three times now and I'm only 14. I want to ask her for help but then i cant have a normal healthy relationship with my mom because she will always be on my back about every thing. i wont be able to use the internet for stuff like homework because she wont trust me. I don't have anyone to talk to.

I could tell my youth leader but he would make church to awkward every Sunday. I could tell my brother in law but then i know it will get back to my mom eventually then all that other stuff would happen. I feel that if I tell anyone that nothing will be the same; then i would end up going back to the depressed cutter, who smokes, and is addicted to porn, while i think of all the ways i could kill my self because I'm ether bored at school, In a hard relationship or because I jest cant go to sleep. I've messed up my life and I need lots of help fixing it.

Please pray for me. I have a long painful road ahead of me.