Everyday no matter how I try I do "it". Everyday no matter how hard I try I watch or read pornographic materials.. After every time I do any of it, I want to just burst out into tears. The mixed feelings of anger and hate of myself and the sadness and depression of it all at the same time after "its" done.. I used to be a leader of my youth group. I used to be a person in church that everyone knew so well and knew they could count on. Later on I pressured my girlfriend. She broke up with me and I went into a downward spiral. I was so angry at her that I stopped going to church just to avoid her. I haven't been to church in a year. I have very few friends. My life is such a huge mess. Very brief thoughts of suicide. Thinking that i'm worthless. All this because of porn and masterbation. Yet still I am addicted. I know how wrong it is. I always think about how I need to start reading the bible again and praying again. But I don't, it just doesn't seem like I can. I don't know. I mean I really just don't know. I'm just so depressed and lost.