I was never really raised around very many girls. I spent my first few years of elementary at a private school, then I was homeschooled, then I went back to the private school in 7th grade for a semester, then I boned out and homeschooled until I graduated early. As such, I was not really around girls very much unless I was at my youth group. We want girls to like us, but we don’t want to like THEM. That was how I felt about the whole thing anyway. I always got mad at the guy in the tween-kid movies who fell for the lame “tough girl” at the end of the movie. Hunger Games, I’m looking at you.
So basically, I just wanted to feel loved, just as any adolescent does. But I always thought it would be cool to show everyone how much of a bad-boy I was. Which was ironic, considering how to this day I have yet to do anything culture has deemed “bad” other than looking at porn and all that. And so I would try to get girls’ attention by wearing shirts for hardcore bands or drive away from youth group blasting The Faceless(really?) with my brother. I was SO cool. Aside from trying to look “bad,” I would also walk by girls a lot. But I would ignore them if they tried to say hi or I would think they thought I was so cool because of my tough guy walk and long “unkempt” metal hair. I was probably the dorkiest homeschooler they had ever seen.
I did have a split personality though that I was so embarrassed of. And that was the gamer who sat in his room all day playing Xbox and checking video game forums for updates. I was so embarrassed of that person because girls just don’t like video games. Not very many of them anyway. I also broke my knee once, and I ended up with a giant, neon green full leg cast that stretched from the bottom of my toes to my upper thigh. At first I was in pain, then I thought I would finally get the attention of all the girls, and then I was essentially ignored. I then turned to social networking: MySpace. Oh yes, MYSPACE. That was just awful. I had like 50 friends, and I uber customized my profile with pictures of all the bands I liked and I changed my profile song probably three times a day. And then I would click refresh and wait for messages from girls. Yeeeaaah…. I got probably none.
In a nutshell, I had absolutely NO clue what girls wanted in a guy. I thought girls wanted a guy who “wasn’t like everyone else” but was also a bad boy. Maybe they do, but I wasn’t actively pursuing anyone and if I caught the eye of any, they probably changed their mind when they noticed my acne or loud taste in music. Nowadays, I see a lot of the same strange mental weirdness going on. I feel like I need to walk by girls or drive off right when a really heavy breakdown starts, but that’s just not the case. I’ve even started wanting to make girls’ PARENTS think I’m a bad boy by listening to overly spazzy albums with only two tracks. I just don’t get it, and they probably don’t either.
Am I just self-conscious? Yeah, that could probably be it, but I don’t see this trend of “impressing” people ending anytime soon. These days, I’m actually proud of my “nerdy” side. I flaunt my N7 shirt, I use Android instead of iOS just because I think it makes me techy or something, I can’t wait to get my own car so I can lather it in bumper stickers, and honestly I don’t think it’s going to get me any girls.
I’m sure there’s some weird reason for my showy (but actually pathetic) behavior. And I’m sure that reason will push girls even further away than my teenage moustache already has.