Well, it’s simple. Every time you do the deed, God destroys an innocent fluffy kitten.

This has been a running joke for some time but when it really comes down to stopping a habit that many of us formed at such a young age, and have continued to indulge in for years and years and years, the task of stopping can seem virtually impossible. More than likely, spanking the monkey might just be part of your nightly routine but like any addiction or habit, it takes time.

It’s been said that it takes 15 days to successfully make or break a habit. In my experience, this is accurate. Whether it’s jerkin’ the gherkin, smoking or eating too many cookies, habits take time. Change up your routine, don’t follow the same pattern every day. In time, you won’t even think about cookies, cigarettes or gherkins.

“But slapping the ham helps me sleep!” That’s true. You know what else helps you sleep and doesn’t make you feel like garbage? Reading a book, drinking warm milk, exercising enough during the day that you’re actually tired when your head hits the pillow are all guilt-free ways to help you catch some Z’s. None of these activities will steal hours from your night and none of them will make you wake up with that “Oh crap. I did it again” feeling.

“But flicking the pork steeple relieves my stress!” That’s true. The feeling is temporary though. When the initial joy subsides, you’ll be left with the guilt that accompanies the act. You know what else can relieve stress? Again, exercise! How about taking time to unwind rather than going straight from work to bed? This can be an issue for those of us who work from home. You have to plan for relaxation before hitting the hay. Watch TV, garden, bake, clean, write-there are a million things you could do to relax other than running straight to masturbating.

I actually had a friend tell me once that when he got erections while laying in bed, he’d pray “Boner, be gone!” And the erection would subside. Strange, but try it! I don’t believe that God will abandon you when you’re feeling tempted and you sincerely ask for His help. I also believe that God puts people in our lives (accountabilibuddies) who we need to feel comfortable calling up and asking for prayer in those times. Another friend of mine would call up his buddies any time of night when he was feeling tempted and they would collectively pray out loud on speaker phone for the spirits and temptations in his room to leave. It worked every time.

There’s a million facets associated with wacking the snake. “But what if I can do it without lusting?” Well, I don’t really believe that’s possible but that’s for another time. For now, my hope is that you focus on putting a stop to the habit. Trust me, you’ll find it nothing but extremely beneficial once you’ve kicked the addiction, because let’s face it, it is an addiction, and it comes with so many other pitfalls.

It’s not an easy task to stop masturbating but the reward is far greater than any secret jacking off session you’ll ever have. Your wives will thank you.