One thing about me that is both a blessing and a curse, is the fact that I tend to be a bit responsible. I feel responsible for my friends when they get in a rut, and so I will rush to help them. I feel responsible when someone entrusts me with a task(although sometimes I can be super late on writing these things...), and try to take care of it with a consistent work ethic. I take responsibility for myself.
But that responsibility for myself makes me a bit of a control freak. I feel like since I am responsible for myself, that I should be able to CONTROL myself. Namely my addiction to lust in all its forms. Every time I have tried to cut my addiction by the power of my own will, I have fallen flat on my face. I remember the longest two months that I went “without.” A friend had offered sushi to the person who could go the longest without masturbating. I took it as the perfect opportunity to ditch my addiction and also snag some sushi while I’m at it.
Honestly, in the end I fell on my face in the worst way that I possibly could have. I looked for a workaround, a way to get my kicks without breaking the Christianese definition for “lust.” And that’s basically been the cycle. To quit that and replace it with THIS. I can take responsibility for myself, I can try to be a respectful adult, but I have proven multiple times that I just plain CAN’T control my sin.
Accountability helps, but even X3 doesn’t help when the people you share a laptop with share the same addiction. Not only am I a self declared “responsible” person, but I’m also the biggest manipulator I know.
I can’t control my lust. It will most likely be a thorn in my side for many months or years to come. But there’s hope at the end of that tunnel, a God who forgives. The hard part has been not manipulating His system by stretching His Word. But I have tried time and time again to give Him my sin, but I keep taking it back. He gave me the option to let Him be responsible for me. That is the greatest gift man has ever been given, and day after day I squander it. It has been hard to let Him rule my life and let Him take responsibility for my actions. Because in my pride, I enjoy the “adultness” of being responsible. But I am reminded of the time Jesus preaches about child-like faith, and I find myself envious of my younger self.
I pray daily that I will be released by His will so that HIS name can be lifted high through my freedom, and not my own. For now, I believe His grace is sufficient.