Everyday people submit confessions on the site. These confessions are not just from Christians but, also from people who have no religious beliefs at all. Porn does not discriminate it affects all of us one way or another. Read his story here. If you would like to share your confession as well you can do so by clicking here.
Before I begin, I would like to talk a bit about myself. I am a 1st year medical student in an advanced program, I am not religious in the least bit, and I am in a long term relationship with a woman I love dearly. And I am (was) a pornography addict.
It is something that starts slowly, creeping up on you from the depths within yourself. I remember as a kid it was cool to look at porn (and I went to a Catholic school…) and then it became the norm in junior high days to try and get a hold of it. You were the man with the porn, in short, you were the coolest one around. Then high school came, and I began looking at it on a daily basis. I was shocked and appalled by my behavior, but regretfully, I justified it as normal and then continued down my not-so-distinguished road.
The undergrad came, and I found myself single. I watched pornography at least twice a day, spending at least an hour of my life each day on various websites. It became the norm, and it numbed me to it. As sure as I would take a shower in the morning, attend class in the afternoon, and brush my teeth after meals I would be watching some form of porn.
Then I met my soon to be fiance, a woman firmly against pornography in all facets. I felt like I was in hell, lying through my teeth about my lack of use, lying to myself I could stop when I wanted to, and making myself miserable. It became one of many vices that people my age face (for instance, sadly too, I have used marijuana on many occasions–another thing against her moral code) and I began to feel miserable about myself.
You see, the images I had been force fed through pornography warped my sense of sexuality. There is no set standard for what normal sexual behavior is, it varies person to person. There is, though, a concept of self discipline and moderation–something that pornography shattered. Suddenly, I wasn’t happy with my sex life. It seemed as if nothing we were doing was enough to satiate me, and I wanted (actually felt like I NEEDED) more. More sex. More out of the ordinary sexual acts. To be blunt, making love wasn’t enough. It was for the first week, but the on screen images made me think that we needed more, and of course, I didn’t get it. So I became miserable.
The unrealistic expectations of porn began to eat at me. I wasn’t satisfied in the least with my physical relationship, and eventually stopped caring. I didn’t need her when I could get some sort of sick and perverted fulfillment from loose women everywhere I went on the internet. And about 6 months into our relationship, I really lost interest in whatever sex life we did have. It began to hurt her, and it continued to develop into something disgusting that I blame only myself for, something involving another woman that I wont mention here, but one can infer. I cry often about this, even almost a year later. It hurt me, and emotionally it drained me.
I felt nothing but indifference for months after as my porn addiction continued. Other women looked interesting (sickeningly) but whenever that came to mind, the internet was there once again to save me. I felt numb, sickened, and sad. I wanted to feel the love I felt for her once, but the pornography had perverted me to a point where I couldn’t because everything revolved around sex (at least on a subconscious level). Sex. Sex. Sex. It ate at me and ate at me. I lost respect for women, myself, and the sanctity of one’s body in this sickeningly sad process.
To cut this short, as I have rambled on enough, it took her busting me to fix me. The pain was unimaginable, but the result of feeling her next to me and my feelings coming back is the greatest solstice and peace I could have ever asked for. Forgiveness is key, and I forgive myself for my despicable actions. But I will never forget. I will always keep a watchful eye on myself. I never want to go down that road again.
To close, the first week of medical school, most Universities make the students sit through seminars on professionalism. It involves self respect, treating others with that same courtesy, and living by a code of ethics that wavers not even in the thickest of situations. I think that the same rules can be applied to a relationship.