Porn Makes Me Set the Limit of Expectations Too High

It’s interesting…the longer I write these blogs, the more open I am about doing so. Out of authentically sharing myself and this ministry with those close to me, my friends, family and acquaintances, in return, share their stories of being addicted to and afflicted by porn. A common theme is how porn makes them set the limits too high in their relationships.

I have a girlfriend who shares about life with her ex and she shares it as though it is common place for most couples. According to her, it was not uncommon for their sex life to occur as the opening scenes of a porn film. To this day, even after their divorce, he still contacts her with raunchy requests such as wanting to buy her lacy undergarments so that he can masturbate in them. Porn has set the limits so high that it has defined how he interacts with her, even outside of their marriage, with little regard to how he treats her, himself, or his current relationship with another woman.  

Another girlfriend has a relationship in which she learned her mate is addicted to porn. The moment she learned this, she upped her performance by way of role playing and the sort. She felt this was what she needed to do to compete with the porn – if she was over the top and edgy enough he wouldn’t need the porn any longer. In the midst, she was losing her sexual and personal confidence and self-esteem. It got to the point where it was “enough” and he asked her to stop because it didn’t feel natural or real. What he loved about having sex with her was that she was real, as he knew what he was watching was not. He warned her that porn was a slippery slope and he didn’t want her to get caught up in it. It’s still taking its toll on their relationship, her confidence and self-esteem, and how secure she feels in this relationship.

Those are just a couple of the stories that have been shared with me about how porn sets the limits too high (specifically in relationships). As their stories are shared, I sit back and listen while they share themselves so generously with me and I am amazed at the space of vulnerability, trust, and confidence they share from. In response to their stories, and stories like theirs, here are a few words of encouragement and advice:

1) Get wise counsel. This could look like going to a sex therapist, your pastor, or Celebrate Recovery (SA), just to name a few. This will create support, encouragement, and a safe place to begin the healing process for either or both parties.  

2) Pray. Praying for your partner and/or yourself, or with others regarding porn and sex is a freeing, healing, and connecting experience and practice. It’s an opportunity to confess, repent, and gather peace, strength, and love.

3) Accountability/support. xxxchurch.com offers accountability software, 30-day workshops, and groups to create accountability and support in addition to 1).

4)  Learn your worth. Really getting settled in who you are and Whose you are makes all the difference in how you treat yourself, others, and your relationships. You are a child of God whose life has been ordained and set apart for something special. You are perfect, whole, and complete in Him.

5) Thank you. For sharing yourselves, your lives, and your stories so generously. I am in awe of how much you trust me and invite me into your lives. Really…thank you.