Shellie here: From time to time, aside from the guest feature bloggers that we have on our roster, I’ll “enlist” someone from my world that I know has something to share; maybe not on a regular basis, but what they have to say is profound enough, that they are definitely deserving of a platform.
THIS WOULD BE ONE OF THOSE TIMES.
This woman is a Christian and loves the Lord. Yet she battles. *Heavily*. And as she and I were discussing some things she would like for her life, including a marriage someday and *real intimacy*, being that I am familiar with her struggle with porn and promiscuity, I asked her to share with me a “middle ground” so-to-speak between the two. Meaning, I asked her to write what porn has taught her about sex in hopes that she would see how her addictive habits are serving as hindrances in ways she probably never even thought about.
What came out, in my opinion, was a masterpiece. It’s raw. It’s real. And whether a lot of people may want to admit it or not, it’s relatable. I Timothy 4:14-16 (AMP) tells us that our testimonies save ourselves and those who hear us. James 5:16 tells us that there is healing in confession AND that the prayers of the righteous bring forth power. Please read and process with an open mind and compassionate heart. And please touch and agree with me that “Darling Nikki” will be released and that this women of purpose and promise will embrace her birth name; one that speaks, literally, of salvation.
I recently read an article about alter-egos that said, “Every demon has a name”. That thought definitely came to mind as I read about “Darling Nikki”. Death and life are certain in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). We must encourage us all…to speak life. “She” calls this “How Porn Isolated Me”, but as I read through it, a couple of times, I would like you for think about the things that she said porn *taught* her about *sex*. Maybe some light bulb moments will go off for you or something that you love in some way. But more than anything, I hope this serves as yet another reminder of how porn *robs* us of far more than it gives. God *never* intended for one of his children to process sex in this way. And yet…because of porn…so many of us do. In one way…or another.
“Behind the Green Doors”. “Taboo 1-3”. “Mr. Marcus’ Neighborhood”…”Tribbing, squirting, c-nt, fisting, hardcore, soft core, Mandingo, MILF”. These words define my secret life…”Darling Nikki.”
“Behind the Green Doors” was the first flick I ever watched in its entirety at the age of 12 in the 6th grade. I remember thinking that black men were savage yet mysterious enough to want one for myself. The male penis became a a piece of equipment that would intrigue me to this day. That curiosity has killed many a cat, but it also taught me about service. Porn taught me that SEX was all about service…to the male—whether orally, vaginally, anally, etc. All I ever saw was women serving men in the bedroom and outside if the bedroom. I had my grandmother telling me, “Serve that man. He might be your husband one day” and then I’m watching flicks and seeing these women servicing two or three men at a time, allowing them to ravage (on some occasions) her body until they got a release. You never really saw a woman have an orgasm, and if she did she was faking.
Which leads me to another lesson: Porn taught me that SEX did not always produce a real effect.
“Ooooooo…ahhhhh…yes…yes…oooooo…oooooo”. These sounds became the soundtrack of my daily life. I believed that if a woman was making these noises, she was really in pure bliss! SIKE!!! In reality, she was more than likely dry as hell and bored to death! I didn’t realize until I was much older that most porn was horribly edited and I learned that men didn’t really last a full hour before they came. So interesting what they have us believe (tsk…tsk…tsk). I learned as I became more sexually active that I never felt that “ecstasy” that these porn stars seemed to experience. I wondered why, but I utilized what remembered and faked my way through many an orgasm; the guy never really knew and probably could have cared less.
Which leads me to my next lesson: Porn taught me that SEX is selfish, so I sought pleasure elsewhere.
Masturbation, self-love…that’s where I found my ultimate pleasure. And yet my loneliest place. Through many years of service and faking, I realized that I was the only one pleasing me, though others tried…just not hard enough. I became worried about my lack of orgasm with a partner. In over 20 years, I’ve only had one partner who could bring me to orgasm and still not once through penetration. I had isolated myself through masturbation. I came to a mindset that SEX didn’t care whether I was satisfied or not. It taught me that I didn’t matter.
Porn enhanced my :hearing hand memory”, while sneaking to watch these flicks as a teenager. I had to remember where I found the tape. What color sweater was laying on top of the box. What number was the VCR on when I put the tape in. Did I clean my utensil thoroughly? Whose car is in the driveway? To this day, my senses are still enhanced like that….
So porn taught me that SEX was about service, unreal feelings, selfishness and an enhancement of senses. I still operate in most of these lessons, but I know that there are many issues to resolve within myself that only I can work on.