“Be faithful to your own wife, just as you drink water from your own well. Don't pour your water in the streets; don't give your love to just any woman. These things are yours alone and shouldn't be shared with strangers. Be happy with the wife you married when you were young. She gives you joy, as your fountain gives you water. She is as lovely and graceful as a deer. Let her love always make you happy; let her love always hold you captive. My son, don't be held captive by a woman who takes part in adultery. Don't fondle a woman who is not your wife.”---Proverbs 5:15-20 (NCV)
“The argument between wives and whores is an old one; each one thinking that whatever she is, at least she is not the other.”---Andrea Dworkin
Wife: a woman joined in marriage to a man; a woman considered in relation to her husband; spouse; the lawful consort of a man; a woman who is united to a man in wedlock; a woman who has a husband
Synonyms:bride, companion, consort, helpmate, monogamist, other half, partner, roommate
Whore: a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet; to compromise one's principles for personal gain
Synonyms: call girl, escort, fallen woman, hooker, slut, streetwalker, tramp, working girl
(OK, let me start by saying two things: One, this message is written to the women, but men, please believe you could benefit by reading and passing it along to your male friends. Two, I want to just shout something out to the shackers for a moment: you do see that one synonym of “wife” is “roommate”, right? YOU SHOULD BE LIVING WITH YOUR SPOUSE. THAT IS A PERK OF MARRIAGE. Moving on...)
Now, God must really love us because I am going on about 2.5 hours of sleep and yet, around 5am, I accepted that this was going to be one of those days when I would have to find my physical strength in him (2 Corinthians 12:9). This past Sabbath (I'm telling you, get in on observing it. He “blessed and hallowed” it for a reason!-Exodus 20:8-11), God told me that he was about to promote me and it seems like since then that I've been spiritually enrolled in accelerated “crash course classes”.
Let me also say that I don't know how long or short this will be. What I can guarantee you is that it's worth making the time to read and those who are open to receiving it will NEVER be the same. So, in the wise words of Savon (and a real urban movie buff knows who I'm referring to), “Let's break this down so that it can forever be broke...” For almost a year now, a scripture that I have cited in almost every devotional message has been John 8:32(NKJV):
“And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
The truth? If there is one place where the Church (as a whole) has been recklessly irresponsible, it's in not appropriately preparing people in the area of sexuality. Now, that word alone covers a lot of ground, and at least today, I have not been led (Luke 12:12) to address any area but one: wives vs. whores. By the time we are through, if you are a woman, you will realize there is no contest, meaning:
“You're not a lady in the street and a freak in the bedroom.”
(Regardless of your past) “You're not a hoe turned into a housewife.”
“You're not a queen by day and a whore by night.”
And whatever other derogatory catchphrase that you settled for, laughed at, entertained or considered. Now when I tell you that this message is for the messenger first...oh, if EVER a message was for the messenger first. And so, while this will hit a few sore (ego) spots, we all are going to have to have faith that who God loves he indeed chastens (Hebrews 12:6). This is a time for a renewing of the mind:
“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”---Romans 12:12 (NKJV)
When two people stand before God with the intentions of becoming one (Matthew 19:6), there should be a MIND RENEWAL. Marriage is not a worldly institution, it's a godly one and God made it clear who it was for (Genesis 2:18-25). Therefore, whatever you thought/did in your single life...umm, it doesn't really apply in marriage. Don't get me wrong: yes, you still have your identity. God said that before the womb you were called and chosen (Jeremiah 1:5) and that “God never changes his mind about the people he calls and the things he gives them.” (Romans 11:29-NCV) Ladies, God called us to be more than wives and mothers and he gave us more than the ability to do those things effectively. You came into this world as a single woman...there are things within you that this world needs aside from you being a nurturer of your family (someone needed to hear that!).
But, the single-minded mentality that we have/had has to make a major adjustment for marriage to be healthy and harmonious. Again, I am not led to get into all of that right now, but when it comes to wives and sexuality, hear me when I say this: IF YOU WERE SEXUALLY ACTIVE PRIOR TO MARRIAGE, SEX AS YOU KNEW IT DOES NOT APPLY. As someone who was sexually active for many years, even after a conversation/counseling session with a married woman just yesterday, I see why God wants us to wait until AFTER the wedding. Because marriage is a godly union and because the Enemy seeks to steal, kill and destroy it (John 10:10), sowing seeds (Galatians 6:7-8) of promiscuity on the front end, really is like putting the cart before the horse...and it's so hard to travel down the road of life smoothly that way. The laws that God put in place for sex apply to people whether they choose to reverence them or not (Romans 1), but when two people, who know what God says about fornication/adultery, decide to engage anyway, not only are they breaking the first commandment (Exodus 20:3) but they are disrespecting themselves and the person that they are with. The Word says that the wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23). Any biblical law-abiding person knows that sex (ANY KIND OF SEX) outside of covenant is a sin. How can you really trust someone who is helping you earn your way to destruction? Or as I sometimes put it, how can you trust someone who is not “making love” to you (because love is patient-I Corinthians 13:4), but is MAKING DEATH.
Yes ladies, it may seem like double-standard, but now that I am on the outside looking in (when it comes to sex outside of marriage), I actually get why a lot of guys will “mess with” (and that's EXACTLY what they are doing) a girl and not commit to her (longterm). He who finds a WIFE finds a good thing, right? (Proverbs 18:22) We are supposed to be their HELPERS, right? (Genesis 2:20) Sexual immorality is the only sin that a man commits against his own body, right? (I Corinthians 6:18) When you are compromising your human trinity for a man you are not in covenant with, really...WHAT GOOD ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU HELPING? HOW ARE YOU ASSISTING HIM IN PRESERVING HIS BODY FROM SIN?
Yes, I know. Men have issues, too. I AM NOT TALKING TO THEM RIGHT NOW...this is for YOU so that you can be set free because after all, if all of God's princesses “shut it down” and told men to wait until marriage, what are the fellas gonna do? I mean, with the other options (which are limited), if they entertain those, you don't want them anyway (and I'll leave that right there!).
Now, with the foundation laid, I feel comfortable that it is time to proceed. There are two instances that I want to share to illustrate the main point that I am trying to make with this message.
The first one: Several years ago, I recall a very prominent pastor preaching on, or rather against, oral sex. He said that when he was “out in the world”, he was letting women perform it but now that he is “saved and sanctified”, he doesn't disrespect himself or his wife in that way.
Umm, OK, let's back this up for just a second. First of all, I am down with Noel Jones whose belief is that the last place the Church needs to be is someone's bedroom (voyeurism at its best if you ask me) and in the wise and profound words of my author-friend, Tim Alan Gardner (“Sacred Sex”) as long as it's not hurting the (my words) human trinity of the person you are with (in anyway) and creating a holistic state of oneness is the main priority, then...carry on. You see, my issue is not so much that the pastor and his wife weren't down (that's on them); my thing is don't spew your personal resolve on others. The conclusion that he came to was not based in biblical truth. That was based in personal preference...and one that seems to be rooted in BONDAGE as well (seems to me that he needs to go on the “Past Fast”). Now bookmark that as we go into the next scenario.
I once had two friends (they are now divorced) who had HUGE sexual issues and yes, one of them is that they were sexually active with one another prior to marriage. There were several challenges in that area, but one that seemed to continually come up was that “she” was “off the chain” when they were dating, but was “semi-prude” once they were married. Her logic? “I wasn't holy then. I'm holy now and so I don't want to do 'those things'.”
Do you see how the Enemy will flip the truth on us? It's not the acts themselves that were unholy. It was the acts within the context of the relationship at the time that made them unholy. Hebrews 13:4 says that the marriage bed is undefiled and it's the FORNICATORS AND ADULTERERS that God will judge. Romans 8:1 tells us that there is no condemnation in Christ. Christ cosigned on marriage and I fully belief that he was fully aware of all of the benefits that comes with it (check out Matthew 19-Message). You have no reason to feel guilty up in your bedroom. Now with that said, let's pause for one more moment: Undefiled doesn't mean perversion or abuse. That word means “pure”, and the truth is that a lot of us cannot embrace certain activities not because of the act, but our impure mindset surrounding it. The hang up for many wives is that lot of them were doing “certain things” when it wasn't spiritually considered to be “innocent”...”uncontaminated”...”undebased” and (uh oh), “unadulterated”. A lot of them are carrying the judgment of their “single sex” days into the liberation that comes with the upcoming years of marital intimacy.
AND THIS IS WHY WE SETTLE FOR MAKING SUCH DEGRADING AND CONTRADICTORY STATEMENTS AS, “I'll be your wife at church and a whore in the bedroom.” That is a sign that our mind has not yet been renewed. God doesn't want a man to have a whore...in any room! Shoot, you can read Proverbs 5 and 7 and see the warnings that come from a man being with a woman who doesn't belong to him. They ain't good. Now, the Word says that it is in confessing our faults that we are healed (James 5:16) and so I am the first to step up to the plate and say that a big part of the reason why I used to (and it wasn't very long ago at all) make statements---or at the very least implications---of this nature was because I didn't have a healthy view of marital intimacy. Sure, I knew of the consequences that come with having sex outside of covenant, but it's only been about 1 ½ years since I've come to begin (because sex is a pretty miraculous and mind-boggling thing that appears to be full of eternal revelations) to understand the purpose within it. And, because I engaged in the “worldly view” (I Corinthians 3:19) of sexuality, I let that convince me that that was what a man would want in a wife. I take full responsibility for my actions, but when it comes to my lack of education, that's not the world's fault (the world doesn't care about me)...that's the Church's fault. Family, as followers of Christ and the Word of God, we don't just have the responsibility to teach the law, but to teach love as well (Romans 13:8). We shouldn't just be telling people about all that bad stuff that happens when we don't obey God (like when they have sex outside of marriage). First and foremost, we should be telling them all of the good stuff that happens when they do (wait until marriage).
I remember going to a bridal shower for a friend of mine and her mother purchasing the most risqué article of lingerie up in there (I promise you that we didn't see it coming). Do you know what her mother said in response to all of our gasps? “One of a mother's greatest joys is in being able to celebrate her daughter giving herself to her prince. I didn't get it before now because she didn't need it before now.”
THAT IS A SEXUALLY HEALTHY PARENT WITH A SEXUALLY HEALTHY PERSPECTIVE. As disciples (John 8:31), we should never teach that sex is wrong, dirty, “worldly” (it wasn't made for the world it was made for us), nasty, embarrassing, taboo, lust-filled, perverted...or any of those other degrading adjectives that “the saints” often associate with the word. SEX IS GIFT FROM GOD. If there is any way that we have allowed the Enemy to (try to) overtake it, it's in how we choose to embrace (or not embrace) it.
I know for me, I settled for the double-talk because I thought I needed to reassure myself and my man that he would be satisfied: “Yes, I may be your wife, but I promise you I won't have sex like one.”
WHAT THE HECK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? I won't give myself to you as your lifelong partner ordained by God, but as some broken vessel who doesn't understand that she deserves more than couple of dates and a few bucks? Why even bring that kind of spirit into your bedroom? I used to teach creative writing to reformed prostitutes and I work within a porn ministry now. I'm here to tell you that those women ain't lovin' sex as much as the Enemy would like us to think. They aren't “pleasing” out of care and concern. It's a means to an end. It's a job and for many of them, it's a chore. There's nothing beautiful, sentimental or sacred about it. And that's what we want to assure our husbands/future husbands that they will be getting? LORD, I REPENT! (Psalm 51:10) Besides, just look at how they even refer to their “skills”: TURNING TRICKS.
Trick: a crafty or underhanded device, maneuver, stratagem, or the like, intended to deceive or cheat; artifice; ruse; wile; an optical illusion; a clever or dexterous feat intended to entertain, amuse, etc.
And what does the Word say about such things?
“Do nothing from factional motives [through contentiousness, strife, selfishness, or for unworthy ends] or prompted by conceit and empty arrogance. Instead, in the true spirit of humility (lowliness of mind) let each regard the others as better than and superior to himself [thinking more highly of one another than you do of yourselves].”---Philippians 2:3 (AMP)
Oh, there goes that motive thing again. A “hoe” does what she does as a way to deceive, cheat and/or cleverly entertain. A housewife does what she does as a way of celebrating/regarding/respecting her husband. (Yes, sex is a way of showing respect for your mate and yourself...please get free today!-I Corinthians 7:4) Ladies, we have to get removed from the past poor sexual teaching (through word and deed) that we've had. Again, and I can't say it enough: the act is not so much of the issue; it's the spirit motivating it.
As I went to the Godhead about which lead scripture to use, I found such a peace in what he presented to me. My belief? Because wives are considered to be good things and an avenue to bring favor to their husbands (Proverbs 18:22), then God provides each one, INDIVIDUALLY, with the knowledge/desire/understanding of how to be “good” and “favorable” when it comes to EVERY NEED their mate has (again, because I know some of you only want to think about your needs/issues, yes, I am well aware that sex is for your pleasure as well...please stay focused on the point, though). I think a part of the reason why God inspired Solomon to encourage men to stay faithful to their wives (and he should know---I Kings 11;3) is because in their “water well” contentment it's God-ordained and within it, there is satisfaction that they can't find anywhere else. When you are having sex with God's blessing, it may sound redundant but, GOD BLESSES IT. Sex doesn't get any better than when the creator puts his stamp of approval on it.
Oh, but when a dude dips out? Hmph. One of my favorite quotes on the issue is by James Goldsmith: “When a man marries his mistress he immediately creates a vacancy.” Lust wasn't designed to satisfy the spirit, but to destroy the flesh (James 1:12-16) Proverbs 5:5 (NCV) says that a “hoe” is a stop that a man makes on the way to death. Proverbs 5:18 (NCV) tells us that a wife gives JOY.
“Now I will discuss the things you wrote me about. It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman. But because sexual sin is a danger, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. The husband should give his wife all that he owes her as his wife. And the wife should give her husband all that she owes him as her husband. The wife does not have full rights over her own body; her husband shares them. And the husband does not have full rights over his own body; his wife shares them. Do not refuse to give your bodies to each other, unless you both agree to stay away from sexual relations for a time so you can give your time to prayer. Then come together again so Satan cannot tempt you because of a lack of self-control. I say this to give you permission to stay away from sexual relations for a time. It is not a command to do so. I wish that everyone were like me, but each person has his own gift from God. One has one gift, another has another gift.”---I Corinthians 7:1-7 (NCV)
Joy: the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated; intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness; a source or an object of pleasure or satisfaction
OK, let's summarize this: Sex was created for marriage. A wife is to bring her husband joy. Paul was granted permission by God to advise that no couple withhold from one another. When it comes to the topic of sex, ladies, we are meant to give, AS WIVES, great pleasure and satisfaction. AS WIVES GOD HAS BLESSED US WITH THIS ABILITY. We don't need to imitate some strumpet or stripper. Proverbs 3:6 tells us that if we acknowledge God in all of our ways, he will direct us. There was no disclaimer on that. The biggest Kama Sutra book ain't got nothin' on God's leading when it comes to how to please our mate. After all, HE MADE HIM...HE WOULD KNOW.
Oh, how I prayed this freed some of you (as it did me); how if you are single, it is giving you something HEALTHY to look forward to and if you are married, it has reconditioned your mind and renewed the RIGHT SPIRIT within you.
Candice, we said we were going to find a word for the kind of wife we were going to be to our husbands one day right? Well, God gave it to me: We are going to be just that. A wife.
With all of the joys...pleasures...satisfaction...happiness...elation and delight that the position has to offer.
So let it be written. So let it be done.
Amen...and amen.
©Shellie R. Warren/2009
