I hate that I’m writing this...I feel like I don’t even want to get better because I just want to enjoy what I’ve been doing. I’ve viewed pornography before, about 3 years ago (I’m 21), but it was only briefly. However, at that same time, I was very far from God, and was in a relationship with another woman. I was in the relationship, because it was an opportunity for me to feel truly loved. Being in that relationship absolutely broke me, and it took me a long time to get out of it. When I finally turned back to God, the grace I experienced was unbelievable, and I encountered God like I never had before. I realized how wrong I had been and how wrong everything was that I had been doing. My relationship with God had completely changed.

Just a mere four months later I fell back into sexual sin with my new boyfriend. That tore me apart, that I fell so very quickly, after such an intense realization of my sin beforehand. After sleeping together for a year, and trying and trying to stop with no success, we sought help from our pastor. Although we have not been perfect, we have been a LOT better. We’ve just recently broken a record for us for abstaining, although I fear it’s only because we’ve both been so busy...is there really a way to stop completely? It seems impossible. No matter how well we do, it seems it’s inevitable for us to do it just once more. I don’t even know what to pray anymore, I’m so tired of going back to God with the same prayer...

On top of that, I’ve recently been struggling with thoughts of wanting to view pornography. I’ve been fighting it off for the past month or so, but last night I gave in. I actually hadn’t masturbated in about a month, which, on the whole, I have been quite successful in curbing as a habit. But, that has obviously been made much more difficult since last night. I have a blocking program, but have not yet been able to give the password to her. I don’t even want to give her the password now, I don’t want to get help...I really want to indulge this. Somehow, though, viewing that makes me feel even worse than after I’ve slept with my boyfriend. I can’t even believe this is my life. If I were reading this, I would probably question whether the person who wrote this was even a Christian.

It’s occurred to me since last night that I have a real problem. I think about sex constantly. I don’t know what to do, or how this has even affected me in the long-term. I feel like I have to convince myself that there actually is something wrong with pornography. The friend I’m giving the password to my blocking program has been very good at listening to me through all of this...she knows all of my struggles in this area. But I still get the feeling that she just doesn’t understand how hard it is. I wish I knew another woman who struggled with this. I feel so weak, and so alone. And I don’t even know if I can even get better completely...so if I have a blocking program, I feel I’m going to be perpetually frustrated, and just always wanting it...I feel like I’ll never be able to stop having sex...I feel like I will always fall back into this. I don’t know where to get help.