Its hard sometimes being a woman and often throughout our christian walk we are taught there are certain things that only men struggle with. How many times have i heard men are very visual an we have to adapt for them...I will not dispute that they aren't but its interesting how we don't adapt for visual females as if they don't exist. Sorry...placing blame...at the end of it i know that i am responsible for my actions. I just hate that so often the "church" preach only to the men about this and create support groups only for the men.
I am sorry i am still in the angry portion of it all... I have struggle with pornography for sadly almost 20 years. Its funny how everything can grow so rapidly and continue for so long and it almost seem normal...until you look in the mirror afterward and notice you can't even look yourself in the eye. I sit here tired and disgusted at whom i have become realizing that this didn't occur overnight. I can't do it anymore. I hate that pornography and masturbation is the only thing that can keep me "leveled" in life. Out of everything that encompasses this sin i am most tired of the shame. The shame that comes with not being able to go to God with this. If i am unable to even look myself in the eye how dare i go to the creator of the universe and ask for forgiveness... Eventually, i usually do and its followed with... i am never going to do that again. Then a rough day comes or i'm feeling any number of things and i fall. Sometimes i can go for a week and then others times i am struggling to get through the day so i can get home and eventually "level" out.
I write this confused and lost knowing where God is but unable to find the footing. I have confessed this to a dear friend and she has offered to keep me accountable and i am suppose to download a program but, i keep putting it off...what if i stumble and she gets an email or worst yet she finds out how disgusting i am.
I often wonder is there hope for me...will God ever see me as pure as his bride. I just know i can't live like this anymore... thanks for listening...

embarrassed and ashamed