I don't know where to start.

I guess the best place to start would be to say I am addicted to falling. To allowing what is painful and destructive in my life. At one point of my life is consumed me and not it is a temptation lingering in the back of my mind. When I am at my lowest it comes to the front of my mind and pulls me down and I am back living in my shame once again.

My addiction is pornography.

I have taken vows before God and before my new husband and how am I to keep my vows when my heart is consumed and addicted to some many other things. Not just my old lingering temptation but the pain that consumes me and the heavy weight on my heart the bitterness that binds my heart daily.

For so many years this addiction has been out of my life and then tonight it came to visit. God how do I let this happen? Why can I not let go?

I want to live a life of freedom. A life not bound in chains and self destruction. I want to dance and feel the joy of God pulsing through my veins. I want to RUN and not fall.

My husband knows my sins and my falling but the worst feeling in the world hit me tonight as he is away and I am sitting here alone tonight...

My marriage could be painted with destruction if I don't change this NOW. If I allow my life to play out the way it has then years down the road we will be standing in front of a pile of ash that once was a marriage. I'm not just talking about the temptation that hits but the overwhelmingly low self-esteem that seems to grab hold of me deep, My cloudy depression, and my heart crammed with bitterness. Throw them all in a pot and stir them around you have a soup of destruction boiling over and ready to burn the mouth it touches.

All this to say...I need forgiveness.

I need to feel His grace over me again. I desire to feel Him holding my heart again. I want to be over joyed in His presence. I want to be ALIVE! I want a healthy marriage centered on Christ. Where do I start? How do I change this? One day at a time giving it up? God consume me like a fire. Show me how. Show me Your path. Pour out Your heart Lord. Let my heart cry out confession and true to You. Let the words of my mouth be the actions to my feet.