I'm sorry this is long.

I can't believe I'm doing this. I have never ever confessed my addiction to anyone, I've kept it as my own dark secret for years and years. But it has risen to the point that it's scary, and I'm just so tired of this weight on my shoulders, this constant thought in the back of my head. I'm just so tired of it all and I want to be free.

I grew up in a strong Christian family. My dad was the leader of a great Christian ministry for children before finally having to give up his position because it was too hard on him and his disease. But I have great supportive parents and two amazing big brothers who I love very much. My dad had always believed that I was a perfect child. His perfect little princess. I never cursed, I never talked back or argued with my parents during my teen years, and as far as he knew, I didn't rebel during my teen years either. but kills me to know that his princess isn't so innocent. Isn't so pure.

Since I can remember, I have fantasized about sexual things, even as a little girl. And as I got older and older, these fantasies became more and more vivid and frequent. And I was masturbating before the age of 8. I'd would like say that my parents never talked to me about sex, that my school never mentioned it, nor did my church. I would love to say that, to put some of the blame on them ... but I can't, I'd be lying then. But for whatever reason, I ignored them, and as I entered high school, it only got worse. I began to read sexual stories, and I would go onto chat rooms and have cyber sex. In fact, I had joined a website devoted completely to that. Then one day, when I was on there, someone had posted a sexual picture, porn ... animated porn, or otherwise known as hentai. I followed the link the picture was from, and found an entire website of hentai. And this is where my addiction escalated, big time. I became obsessed with it and eventually, I turned to real porn. I added guys onto my msn to have more intimate chats. I hit the very bottom just last year when I started to strip on cam for them as well. This is the point where I realized, well ... really realized that what I was doing was very very wrong. And I tried to stop. And it would work, for months, but then it would all come back and haunt me again, and I would give in to my pleasures again. I've never allowed myself to go on cam again, but I can't stop going onto that website, and looking up porn. I am 18 years old, a woman just about to start her life, about to go off to Bible college ... and I'm addicted to porn.

I have prayed, over and over, begging God to make it stop. To help me kick this addiction. I would try so hard to stop, and months would go by where I don't even think of sex, but then I would see one thing that would trigger it and I would fall, yet again, and always harder then the last. It's a loop that I can't seem to stop. And sometimes, it feels like God just doesn't care anymore, as if he had given up on me, cause it seems that everytime I need him the most, he's not there. That he leaves me in the claws of this monster that I can't defeat by myself.

I can't continue like this, because this addiction has eaten up all my self respect and has left me feeling like a worthless piece of crap. I don't have any self value anymore. I just had another crash just yesterday, and it was one of the worse. This is my last cry for help, cause it feels like I don't have any strength left to fight this. I can't do this alone.

This addiction is killing me.