Hey girls,
I am a 19 year old college female and I love the Lord. I am really active in a ministry at my school and God has taught me so much through it and I have grown amazingly in my relationship with Him in college. I co-lead a Bible study, and I'm going overseas this summer on a 6-week mission trip to share Christ with people. However, I struggle with masturbation. It's always something I come back to. I can go without it for long periods of time, especially at school, because my roommates are always around and I'm not really tempted to do it there. But when I come home, late at night in the quiet of my bedroom, Satan puts these thoughts into my head. It always seems like a good idea until I actually do it, and I am drowning in an ocean of regret. It's like no matter how long I have gone without it, and how strong I think I am, it takes just a thought for me to cave in and do it again. I guess sometimes I get over-confident thinking I have finally kicked it, only to have to start all over again. I have destroyed any healing God has done on my heart for something so temporary. I know that people have been healed from this sort of thing, but it seems hopeless. I have told people about it and I have met others who struggle with it too, but it's easier to talk about it and admit my struggle when I haven't done it in a while. However, when I'm guilt-ridden, I feel too ashamed to mention it to anyone but the Lord and beg for His forgiveness once again. I feel like such a hypocrite. I can't even look anyone in the eye after I have done this because all I can think about is what they would think of me if they knew. What my Mom and Dad would do if they ever found out. I just feel so shameful, and I know these feelings are not from the Lord, but when you are stuck in your sin, the devil's lies are so much louder. I have never watched porn...I guess I am too afraid of even taking one glance at it because I know it would start small and grow into this huge monster. I read stories and watch videos on youtube...stupid, right? and I go into chatrooms sometimes. It makes me feel so disgusting. I have struggled with this since I was 16 years old. I can't even believe it has been that long. I know I'm rambling now, but it feels nice to get this out, even if no one reads it or someone I don't know. I don't feel worthy to take this trip this summer. I am in school to be a teacher and I don't feel worthy to teach elementary school kids when I do this in my free time. I know I'm never worthy, whether I continue to do this or not, but this is something that takes a hold of your life and strangles it. It's hard to keep dirty images out of my head when I do it on a regular basis. I'm saving myself for my husband, physically, I've never kissed anyone or dated at all, but emotionally, spiritually, mentally, I am already committing adultery against him. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I just ask you to pray for me. Pray that God will give me the strength in times of weakness, and the strength to swallow my pride and REALLY spill my guts to someone. I know bringing issues out into the light brings healing, and I have even experienced it, but I am so intent on making myself look not so bad that it's so hard for me to do it. Please pray for brokenness about this, so that God can heal my heart. Please pray for my confidence...knowing full well that guilt is NOT from God, and I have no reason to feel it because my identity is not in what I do, but in Christ alone. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this long-winded schpeel, and thank you for giving me the opportunity to just let it out.