I have never posted before but wanted to many times. The last couple of days have been the worst days in years when it comes to my addiction. I live at home and my parents are out of town and will be for the next week. I don't now if I can make it. I have struggled with porn, masturbation, and fantasizing since I was young about 5 or 6 maybe younger. I had nightmares at first all sexual. I dont know if I told anyone, you would think so but I dont talk to my mom about this and she hasnt said anything. I can remember an neighbor girl showing me and my brother porn pics from a lesbian mag. when I was in third grade I started looking online. I new it was bad, I hated myself for it, I never got any pleasure. It feels like I was born with an addiction. BUt I grew up in the church and now its wrong but its hard to stop. I would be clean for a while. Then I would read a book or see something. Then fall hard. sometimes harder than others.

The last two days has been the hardest ever. I want it to stop. I want to love God wholly and be pure for my husband. I want to be a missionary but how can I do that if sex is on my mind all the time. I hate it. I need it to stop. but I also need to tell people get help. I have learned the long hard way that I cant to this alone. I need help