i've come to the point where i don't want to go down this path any longer. for the longest time i was the "good" one who was perceived as one who "didn't sin," at least none of the big ones i was told.
about ten years ago i sought counsel from a therapist for general anxiety disorder. i was confident i could manage it without medication, so i was looking for some things i could do to help manage it. i was a student and couldn't afford to see the christian therapist i wanted to, so i turned to a therapist at school. she recommended several things: exercise, relaxation techniques, masturbation and a ton of others. i did all three of those things and they seemed to work. the masturbation was something that i was doing on occasion, and it was helpful. i liked the instant gratification.
several years ago i was in a relationship with a man whom i loved and we were serious about getting married. i was just waiting for the ring. but before any of that happened we began "exploring" each other sexually (he was much more experienced than i was) and we got to the point where we were having sex. it was good, or at least i thought so, and we enjoyed each other. he ended the relationship and it was painful and bad. but i still had a ton of sexual desire. i began watching porn here and there to satisfy "my needs".
now i can go a good while without partaking in anything, porn or masturbation, but when i have twang of being lonely and i feel hurt, i immediately go back to that.
i have been a christian for a lot of years now and i work full time in ministry. beyond the fact that as a leader i can't keep going down this destructive path, my relationship with God (which is the most important thing) is suffering immensely. as a single woman working in ministry, i feel like the church (as a whole church, not individual) has told me that i am fractured and not complete because i do not have a husband. when all the things social and fellowship are for "couples", being the single hurts.
all my life i've wanted to be a wife and a mom. i know i have had, and still do, a ton of junk to work on, and want my relationship with God to be the best it can. i have come to the place with God that i am trusting him with this and am waiting for the one He has for me. but i still hurt by the messages of the church culture telling me that i am incomplete because i don't have a family.
when i hurt, just like everyone else, i turn to what will make me feel better. i need to be turning to God for that, but i turn to sexual satisfaction. and i don't want to do this anymore!