I am my own worst enemy. I hate myself for it. I can't stop masturbating and lusting. I know its wrong but i do it still. Even after encouragement i go and do it. Its disgusting and i hate myself for it. I feel numb to it now which absolutely scares me because i feel there is no redemption or repentance for me. i ask for forgiveness yet go and do it. Even if i make it a few days i go back. I am a hypocrite. I have to help lead a youth group, i have an amazing woman of God as my girlfriend yet i am so freaking selfish and do this. It numbs me and makes me cold and i feel dead. It erodes my relationship with God. I don't feel Him or know if He wants much to do with me anymore. I am sick of my hypocrisy. I haven't spent time with Jesus in a while and i just run to this idol of lust. Its turned into a god in my life. I must die or i die, hopefully im not already dead inside. I dont want to just talk but DO! Thats why i am my worst enemy I go for a bit then drown myself. I dont set myself up for victory because my flesh wants to lust and have it accessible. How will i make it. I fear all will be stripped away because of myself. I dont want to abuse what God has done for me or stunt my growth or relationship with Him. Yet I go and do the things that do just that. Save me oh God. I feel like Paul who says "Oh what a wretched man I am.." yes thats me.
Please I dont know what to do and i feel hopeless more and more.. I want to conquor and overcome but I have this disgusting flesh that is very much winning.. I want that to change. It must..