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Question of the Week: Casual Sex. Make-Up Sex. What Are Your Thoughts?

by Shellie R. Warren on May 7th, 2012 in Women

So…

I read two articles today that both served as the motivation for this question. We’ll deal the the topic for the singles, first.

According to some data released on Science Daily (surprise, surprise) women are not as “sexually liberated” (or is it actually sexually bound?-John 8:32) as the world’s culture would probably like us to think. When it comes to one of the greatest oxymorons of our time, *casual sex*, the article states this: “Men are more likely to reproduce and therefore to benefit from numerous short-term partners. For women, however, quality seems to be more important than quantity. Also for women, finding partners of high genetic quality is a stronger motivator than sheer number, and it is commonly believed that women are more willing to have casual sex when there is a chance of forming a long-term relationship.”

Back when I was in college, Atlanta had something called “Freaknic” (FREAK-PICNIC). I remember once having a conversation with a male friend of mine who was darn near in VIP status at the annual event about thinking about going to which he replied: “You’re not a freak. Take the hint. ‘FREAK’ nic.” My response to him was, “You should be very leery of a woman that’s gotten to a point of not really caring who she sleeps with. We’re not naturally wired to be that way.” Don’t take my word for it. Take the research. Oh, and the Bible. Maybe that’s why there’s so many warnings about adulterous women (Proverbs 5); why Ecclesiastes 7:26 tells (*warns*) men that certain women can be outright dangerous. It speaks to their brokenness. So my first question (in two parts) is this:

“How do you define casual sex? And since there’s so much evidence citing that it doesn’t really work in a woman’s favor, why do so many of us *settle for it* anyway?”

Then onto the married folks. On Psychology Today’s site a couple of days ago, there was an article posted entitled, “Make-Up Sex Hurts: Why and How to Avoid It“. I think most of us know that the Word says not to hold out on your *covenant partner* (I Corinthians 7:5). Still, I definitely got where the guy was coming from:

“During make-up sex, couples often express extreme positive emotions and they reach a momentary state of bliss. They declare grand statements of love and feel, in that moment, that they are sure they belong together.

The problem: this isn’t real intimacy. Intimacy is about a mutual love and balance, while drama is about extremes and fantasies. Make-up sex often reflects the unconscious fantasy to be able to make everything better with sex. Sadly, it’s often after couples have this heated sexual moment that they feel sadder and more lonely when the old feelings come back.

You know, I’ve been a spokesperson for some time about how messed up the Church can be to rush people into marriage so that they can have sex (or keeping having sex) when that’s not the “root of the issue”. If you have nothing more than “a release” in common with someone else, you’re not  *solving* anything by using sex…you’re actually creating a far greater problem. Do you know how many married people would do a big “do over” if they could, all because they married “the sex” more than *the actual person*? It’s kind of like the people that make major decisions drunk. *How can you really trust your judgment under that kind of euphoria?* (God said he gave us a *sound mind* after all!-2 Timothy 1:7). So married (and seperated, divorced) people, my question to you is this:

“What are your feelings about make-up sex? Is it a way, even in marriage, when sex is being *abused* because it prevents couples from dealing with *real issues*?” (Like why they are relying on it as the main form of communication in the first place?)

Looking forward to hearing your feedback on this one.

Sound off…

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  • Janelle

    That. Helped. So. Much. 

  • Grace_WIns

    I think it’s definitely a cover up..issues should always be addressed. It’s fine if everyone just got a bit silly/ hormonal over something small, and it’s not a big deal, and then the couple has ‘make up’ sex. It’s not fine when there are major underlying problems and after every recurring argument or disagreement, sex is used as a way of not having to work through the issues.

  • Clabough 1

    It was always my understanding that make up sex comes after the argument has been settled and you’ve made up, not as a frustrated solution to the problem that isn’t being resolved. So perhaps “solution sex” we can call it- sex that attempts to mend the relationship while avoiding the real issue absolutely would be detrimental. But I see no problem with riding on the relational closeness from forgiveness and grace amongst a couple who worked out a problem together to have some hot sex. Sex is emotionally charged as it is, and serves as a bond between two people. Would it not be true that then make up sex (not “solution” sex)would bond them more? Which is a scientific reason why sex should be in marriage, pointing us to Gods original design of sex in marriage. Which brings me to casual sex. I would agree that there is something broken in a women who gives herself easily to anyone, but I would also say that the man is just as broken and dangerous who is willing to have sex with just about anyone or anything that moves. God made men and women alike to be in a committed relationship with committed sex. The reasons however, could be different for why men and women have casual sex, which I will define as an attempt to have purely physical sex without consideration of emotional/spiritual attachment or commitment. I think most women might settle for it because they hope it will be reciprocated with love, and hunger deeply to be filled with what only Jesus can fill. Which can certainly be translated to the man’s motivations as well.

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