I needed this. I'm not a member of this site, I just read some when I can. I have struggled with porn and masturbation for years. I get "turned on" by rape, I have never had consentual sex and I equate this with what it is supposed to be like. I don't know what to do.
This one is going to be a little briefer than the other comments I have recently replied to, but I wanted to make sure that you caught this. I pray that you do.
You are DEAD ON when you say you equate what you see with what sex is supposed to be like. Many experts say that the way we are introduced to sex speaks to the way we will expect it to be from then on out. In other words, if your first was, say, your babysitter, you may find yourself preferring older women. If your first was a man, it could send you down a path towards homosexual sex. And, yes, if you were raped, you may find a...drawing to forceful sex. That speaks to how powerful sex is, and why God wanted us to wait for one partner; the right one, the one he had in mind for us.
You said that you have never had consentual sex. That means you have never had sex without being forced to do it, right? That means you have been either molested, raped or both and in any case, you are a victim of sexuality and I recommend you getting some help. I speak from personal experience when I say that when the Bible says that as a man thinks, he becomes (Proverbs 23:7), it is pretty literal. The danger in feeding your mind with porn of any kind, but especially the kind that replays something that actually happened to you, is that 1) it tends to desensitize the gruesomeness of your victimization and 2) it can turn it into something erotic. What happened to you is not "sexy". It's disgusting, it's violating, it's demonic---it's criminal.
I'm sure you never thought of it this way, but every time you watch it reinacted and you masturbate to it, you are victimizing yourself all over again. It's basically like telling your mind, body and spirit that what happened to you is OK...likable even. IT'S NOT OK.
Please, please, please, seek some help. If you don't know where to start, email us and let us know. We will do what we can to refer you where you live.
You made the first step. You let us know and that took a lot of courage.
We're rooting (and praying) for you.