I think this has to be one of the hardest things for the wife of an addict. We are misunderstood from all sides. Our husband's don't get (usually) why this causes such a deep inner sickness in the depths of our heart and our soul. Our church (if they even are willing to get involved) wants to try every approach but how the Bible tells the church to deal with a believer in habitual sin. They focus on him for a period of time (rightfully so) but I have seen and heard of very few churches who address this GOD's way when everything else they try still leaves them with a backsliding Christian amongst the body for years and years.
Often the wife is left somewhere in the back of the room yet it is us who are on the front line of spiritual warfare for the souls of our husband's. It is us in the one flesh relationship being affected by everything our spouse submits himself to. It is us who is left in the aftermath and who sees who he has really become and the depths he has gone to and the depravity of sin he has become enslaved to behind closed doors.
Paul addressed the church of Corinth (brothers and sisters in the Lord Jesus) when he said they were so desensitized by the sin in the church (a man (brother in the Lord) amongst them in a lifestyle of sexual sin) because they had become accustomed to it! This sin is so rampant amongst the church and in the body it is affecting ALL of us (The body/The Church). [Reference 1Corinthians 5] How is it that we continually avoid this when it comes to someone in habitual sexual sin?
Our friends don't understand why we 'put up with it'. His friends don't understand why we are not more forgiving, loving or [fill in the blank]. Families are usually split down the middle; In my case my family has supported me while never once saying a bad thing about my husband (most women do not have this). His family has pretty much written me off because after all that old cliche of 'blood being thicker than water' seems to be the case even though I am not the one who broke our marriage covenant.
The world misunderstands us. They deny this is an epidemic, they deny it destroys marriages. They deny it eats away at the mind. They deny, deny, deny leaving us to look like the ones who have blown it all out of proportion. They say things like "if a guy would prefer this over the real deal then he is just a jerk and not all guys are like that." They aren't there to see that your husband can't concentrate at work let alone at the dinner table in normal conversation. They don't see the look on your husband's face when you tell him you are devastated that you lost your favorite pair of ear rings and he says "Oh that is wonderful honey" because he is thinking about fantasy and not listening. They aren't there when he is puking his brains out in the toilet covered in vomit and snot because he is completely undone over his addiction to this hideous counterfeit (PORN) and is miserable living a constant lie of chaos and yet cannot seem to help himself out of the pit of it.
This has been my life for 6.5 years with my husband. Some women have been going through it for 20, 30, 40 & 50 years.... but I am talking about it. You will talk about it. We may be misunderstood but guess what? So was the greatest man that ever walked and loved on the face of this earth.
Jesus was misunderstood. Even the very people he hung out with who knew Him the best, who saw first hand the miracles and the love... rejected him in the end... even John the Baptist who proclaimed him from the beginning (even in his mother's womb!) and prophesied about who He was...but in the end questioned it all.
I can only imagine how Jesus felt. The very people He was laying his life down for literally denied him making public statements that they valued him not by their words and their actions.
Isn't that what this is for us? The very person we have joined ourself with, the very person we have entered into covenant with and gave up all rights to any other avenue that life might have taken us rejects us and by giving themselves to paper dolls declares us to be of no value to them?
While I am the last one who wants to give any woman any reason to self loathe or take her eyes off of the cross and feel sorry for herself- I do want to VALIDATE you wives because I know what it is like to be invalidated! Sometimes I think if we were just validated by our leadership- by our peers- by our family (especially his if they are involved) we would move more quickly into the healing process and move forward in a greater pace knowing that we have the support and the encouragement we need to continue in the fight! Somehow standing in it alone (even in prayer & fasting) can be overwhelming. We need the same grace that is offered to our spouses. We need what GOD has spoken and it should be extended to us.
Ladies- the Lord really takes this seriously and I am telling you that HE is our covering and HE is the one who will protect us. [Read 1 Tim 5:5] Pastors: you have been called to shepherd your flock. When a wife loses the covering her husband is supposed to provide- GOD has appointed you to cover her. When she doesn't get that covering she is opened up to so much more spiritual attack. When a man in the church has fallen into sexual sin he needs to be rebuked, corrected/instructed and restored gently. [Gal 6:1, 2 Tim 2:25] This is GOD's instructions, not mine.
Ladies, talk with your pastors- let them know what you need from them and from the church. Don't shut down and isolate. I am here to tell you it doesn't work... it makes things worse. Lastly- please don't forget to come and fellowship with other ladies just like you in this same situation at Partners for Purity. It should not replace your local church but it can be a source of hope and encouragement.
I am praying for all of you.
Previously Posted in October of 2008
