This was the one aspect of our marriage that I never fully understood. As Christ Followers, we knew that having an outstanding sex life in our marriage was part of God's perfect design. If that was the case, why didn't it feel perfect? Why wasn't it outstanding? Why was I always left feeling undesirable?
I wasn't aware of how badly pornography skewed my husband's mindset toward sex. For the first nine years of our marriage, I knew he struggled but didn't know the extent. I thought it was just the occasional view of something sordid. I had no idea it had captured his mind and was holding his body hostage.
And because he was a prisoner, his desire for me was tainted. Our marriage bed was unsatisfactory. He saw me as pure and the person God intended for him to be with, but with his mind filled with images of other women, I simply did not satisfy. That was truly a lie that he believed and that I ended up believing myself. I wasn't enough for my husband. I did not do what the women online did. And if I tried, I still did not measure up. It was a long nine years of feeling this way.
Thankfully, in 2002, he no longer desired to be locked in this prison. He confessed everything to me and while that left me reeling in pain, it was the catalyst to freedom for him. He was willing to risk everything to find freedom from his pornography addiction. And he most certainly did, praise the Lord.
Today, his mind is renewed because he is free from the bondage that once held him. My mind is renewed because I don't expect to look like I did 20 years ago. We find joy in our marriage bed and are experiencing what God truly intended for us to experience. Our bodies are older and have allowed extra pounds to make their home around our midsection, but we are comfortable with one another. And we've learned to please one another and are truly satisfied. (Ahem, is it hot in here?)
Viewing pornography will most assuredly taint the beauty of the marriage bed. Walk away from it today. Exercise wisdom for your future. Joyce Meyer says, “Wisdom is choosing to do now what we will be happy with later. Wisdom doesn't settle for a cheap thrill. Instead, it follows God into a better tomorrow.”
Your tomorrow is waiting for you.