My heart hurts.  It’s a culmination of things that have just overwhelmed my spirit and today the result was a tearful response.  Not everyday is like this but the truth is I am still in the fire so to speak and If I only share the triumphs or what it takes to overcome, then how will you know that you’re not alone when you endure the hard stuff too? I've been given this platform to share my ongoing story, a platform that I doubted I was fit for when I was asked to do it but was reassured that this is what was needed...the reality of what a wife goes through and I unfortunately but most definitely was a good fit for it.  My marriage has been ravaged by sin and sin is ugly- that is the truth.  In years of walking this difficult path I have found that I can go and go and go and go quite well but when I am suddenly hit with an unexpected situation or unfortunate circumstance (that would be so much easier to deal with if my husband were around) I am faced with the reality of my situation all over again as if it was for the first time. It's not the death of me and I always get through these spots but that doesn't negate that it still hurts. Today something as trivial as my lawn mower biting the dust was all it took to break me.  I am thankful that Jesus is closest to the brokenhearted.

Last week one of my husband’s co-workers came to one of my blogs at XXXChurch and called me a hypocrite.  The tracking of an IP address can be a good thing at times but in this case I wish I would not have discovered who this person was.  People can say things all day long and it doesn’t seem to penetrate the same way as when someone you know thinks they know you and then attacks you at the core of your pain. The very thing I have spent 7 years trying to walk through with God daily is ridiculed by people that know who we (husband and I) are by association but don’t have a clue about the reality of this situation or our marriage as a whole let alone what has really taken place on the inside.  Something that has been so painful for me is re-victimization (for better lack of words). It has happened with the church- with a member of my husband’s family and now one of his coworkers.  I suppose the coworker thought that because I write a blog to encourage wives but at the same time am legally separated from my husband it classifies me as a hypocrite? Or perhaps it is because I still show signs of anger, grief and frustration over this situation and am not walking incomplete wholeness yet?  I don’t know, but what I found out is that someone who isn’t even a part of my life had the ability to hurt me.  Why is that?  That is the question I have been pondering for close to a week.  Whoever said "Sticks and Stones may break my bones but names can  never hurt me" was delusional!  Words have the power to build up and they have the power to tear down. 

A good friend responded this way when I shared the situation with her and why I was so troubled:  “Obedience is your defense. Period. You do not have to defend yourself” and then another godly woman in my life said this:  “Reminds me of Nehemiah when he first started rebuilding the city. People within the same kingdom blamed Nehemiah for rebelling against the ruler....and Nehemiah had the blessing and supplies provided by the King himself!  You have direct orders from the King, and regardless of the "coworker’s" perception you have all the approval you need!” 

Clearly I am the “odd man out” to those who don’t understand what God is requiring of me.  If I were to have just kept the dirty little secret and never “rocked the boat” never wanted more for and from my husband they wouldn't have labeled me "the wife from ****", "the trouble maker", or now "the hypocrite". (Check out the blog "Covering vs Covering up" to be reassured that you are NOT supposed to keep the dirty little secret. Doing so only contributes to the deception) I cannot find one Scripture that justifies this kind of behavior towards the wife of a man who lives a lifestyle of sexual sin but the Scriptures do tell me that God is pained by this for He calls us to take greater care for widows and orphans.  A wife whose husband is unavailable to her emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically because of a lifestyle of sin puts his wife in a “husband-less” category!  Take note of that.

 

It is God who exposes sin (Romans 1:18).  It is sin that separates us from God (Isaiah 59:2), it is God who tells us not to even eat with a believer who is in habitual, unrepentant sexual sin (1Corinthians 5) or in my opinion a person professing to be a Christian while living like a non believer.  So why someone (friend, family, coworker, or onlooker) would be shocked after years of continued unrepentant habitual sexual sin in our marriage that God would direct me to separate myself from my husband physically while continuing to love him from a distance?!!  Isn’t that what GOD does with us while we are IN sin?  It is the Scriptures that tell us sin separates us from God. God said it first, not me.  He also points out that we cannot say we know God and live in disobedience to His commandments in doing so we make ourselves liars and the truth is not in us. (1John 2: 3-4)  Be careful to not misunderstand what I am saying.  I am not saying that sin separates us from the love of God.  That is a topic for another blog.

 

In times like these when my flesh is crying out to self preserve (defend/advocate for myself) God always reminds me to soul preserve.   So, this is His reminder to me and to any of you who are walking the same path and feel judged or misunderstood by some, abandoned and rejected by others and terribly lonely as a result of it all.  God loves you.  He loves your husband.  God desires for you (and me) to be whole. The only way for you (and for me) to know His great love for us and stop worrying about the opinions of man and to stay in God’s word and to pray to Him. He is our Comforter, our Redeemer, our Justice.  I looked up all the scriptures today about “widows” and it is pretty evident how God feels towards “husband-less” women and those who oppress them.  So lets take heart together as we rest in the peace and freedom of His Truth.  I love how God takes the things meant for evil towards us and blesses us with them instead.  I feel closer to the Lord today as a result of pressing in all week after that incident.  Thank you Jesus and now I am off to see about having my lawn mower fixed!  :)

Deuteronomy 10:18
He ensures that orphans and widows receive justice.

Psalm 68:5
Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—this is God, whose dwelling is holy. 

Deuteronomy 27:19
‘Cursed is anyone who denies justice to foreigners, orphans, or widows.’ And all the people will reply, ‘Amen.’

Isaiah 1:17 
Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows. 

Jeremiah 22:3
This is what the Lord says: Be fair-minded and just. Do what is right! Help those who have been robbed; rescue them from their oppressors. Quit your evil deeds! Do not mistreat foreigners, orphans, and widows. Stop murdering the innocent!

Jeremiah 49:11
But I will protect the orphans who remain among you. Your widows, too, can depend on me for help.” 

Zechariah 7:10 
Do not oppress widows, orphans, foreigners, and the poor. And do not scheme against each other. 

James 1:27
Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. 

Psalm 34:18

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

 

Sidebar note:  I am re-reading a book that I am hoping will help me as I continue to walk this path that will knowingly bring critics, unwanted opinions and unsolicited advise.  The book is called "When People Are Big and God is Small" by Ed Buckley.  If you're struggling with what others think about you (including your spouse, family or coworkers) you might want to check it out!