"When Rachel realized that she wasn't having any children for Jacob, she became jealous of her sister. She told Jacob, 'Give me sons or I'll die!'

Jacob got angry with Rachel and said, 'Am I God? Am I the one who refused you babies?'

Rachel said, 'Here's my maid Bilhah. Sleep with her. Let her substitute for me so I can have a child through her and build a family.' So she gave him her maid Bilhah for a wife and Jacob slept with her. Bilhah became pregnant and gave Jacob a son.

Rachel said, 'God took my side and vindicated me. He listened to me and gave me a son.' She named him Dan (Vindication). Rachel's maid Bilhah became pregnant again and gave Jacob a second son. Rachel said, 'I've been in an all-out fight with my sister—and I've won.' So she named him Naphtali (Fight).

When Leah saw that she wasn't having any more children, she gave her maid Zilpah to Jacob for a wife. Zilpah had a son for Jacob. Leah said, 'How fortunate!' and she named him Gad (Lucky). When Leah's maid Zilpah had a second son for Jacob, Leah said, 'A happy day! The women will congratulate me in my happiness.' So she named him Asher (Happy).

One day during the wheat harvest Reuben found some mandrakes in the field and brought them home to his mother Leah. Rachel asked Leah, 'Could I please have some of your son's mandrakes?'

Leah said, 'Wasn't it enough that you got my husband away from me? And now you also want my son's mandrakes?'

Rachel said, 'All right. I'll let him sleep with you tonight in exchange for your son's love-apples.'

When Jacob came home that evening from the fields, Leah was there to meet him: 'Sleep with me tonight; I've bartered my son's mandrakes for a night with you." So he slept with her that night'”---Genesis 30:1-16

Head’s up: This is one to forward on to the fellas.


Big Love. If you’ve never seen this HBO series, let me just say that the story of Jacob, Rachel and Leah pretty much sums it up. Yes, it seems that you can indeed get too much of a “good” thing (of course, we all know the definition of ‘good’ now and so…not really).

I remember once having a conversation with a friend of mine who was trying to convince me of the benefits of polygamy. As he shared his theory, he went on and on about that fact that it’s only because we live in America that monogamy is such a big issue. However, since multiple wives are mentioned multiple times in the Bible, it obviously was OK. Uh, yeah. Everything in the Bible was OK, right? (I’m being sarcastic here.)

Once again, I acknowledge that the Holy Book was written in a different time and culture, but if my friend, or anyone else can provide me with an instance where polygamy wasn’t anything short of complicated, I will send you the first season series of Big Love on DVD wrapped up in a big, red bow. It is my personal “Paul statement” belief that if God’s perfect will was for man to have more than one woman, he would have instituted this in the Garden of Eden when marriage was first introduced to the world. Even back in the Old Testament, in their culture, Jacob, Rachel and Leah should’ve been fortunate enough to have the Books of Corinthians in their lives (“All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful.”----1 Corinthians 6:12).

However, this is really a moot point. The fact is, if you are living in America in this day and age, polygamy is against the natural law. To argue this issue kind of reminds me of when the Pharisees questioned Jesus about keeping Caesar’s law (Luke 20:20-26). Do you remember what Jesus said: “Render therefore to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s”.

So, sorry “my friend”, you are gonna have to stick to one wife over here and to be honest, I don’t know why or how you think you could handle more than that. And, I will go one step further: If you have a godly woman, you can’t. If you’re a praying man, Ephesians 3:20 says that “God is able to do above all that we ask or think”. Why would you think that wouldn’t include your future mate? It is actually my personal belief that if you desire multiple women, you are more carnal than spiritual-minded. To be able to give a godly woman all that she deserves, that means that your heart nor your anatomy can be divided; trust me, we want it all.

Moving on.

Once again, the story of Jacob, Rachel and Leah reminds us that the foundation of a relationship more times than not sets the tone for what is built upon it. If a relationship was based on sex and lust, that’s what you’ll be building upon. If it’s based on manipulation and trickery, that’s what you’ll be building upon. If it started out with nagging and complaining, that’s what you’ll be building upon. If it’s based on peer pressure, that’s what you’ll be building upon. If it started with everyone being all up in your business because you invited them to be all up in your business, then that is what you’ll be building upon.

In the case of Jacob and Rachel, the relationship was built upon love. In the case of Jacob and Leah, the relationship was built upon bartering and deception. And, in the case of Rachel and Leah, it appears that a huge portion of the relationship was built upon envy and resentment.

Here’s the first lesson: If you desire a lasting, loving, godly union you cannot, by any means, compromise. During the time of friendship and courting, whether you realize it or not, a foundation is being laid (even if the relationship ends up not going beyond friendship, you are still setting an example of influence to the other individual).

One of the biggest lessons that we miss about marriage and God’s desire for it is that it’s a “godly spirit” based institution. The Enemy did not create it. Man did not create it. Only God did. This means that within it, lust (sinful longing; the inward sin which leads to the falling away from God; an intense or obsessive desire, especially one that is sexual) cannot be present. As a matter of fact, it’s when you bring lust/flesh into the union that things go totally awry:

“For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.”---Galatians 5:17 (NKJV)

So, this brings us to one of the oldest questions in Christian-based relationships: Is it OK to lust after your husband or wife?

Now, I am growing up into a big girl by saying this, but after some prayer, research and steps towards sexual wholeness, I would have to say “no” because if the flesh and spirit are always warring against one another and God assures us that “If we walk in the Spirit than we will not fulfill the lust of the flesh" (Galatians 5:16), then in a loving environment, lust cannot exist.

OK, but don’t get it twisted. I am an abstinent sistah who’s totally looking forward to blessing her husband in every room of our house, so don’t take what I just said out of context! Remember that it’s the Enemy’s job to come up with a counterfeit for everything that God created and in the case of love, its lust.

One of the things that I hate about the Church is that most of us don’t address or receive information on sexual intimacy from a healthy perspective. It is my heartfelt belief that most married people have so many sexual hang-ups (due to their own personal foundational issues) that they forget that, one, God made sex and two, that the marriage bed is undefiled (Hebrews 13:4). And, because they are to set an example to single people of what to look forward to, because they themselves don’t know, this is why so many of us (singles) are “all over the place”.

When it comes to the sexual bond between man and woman, just like everything else in marriage, it is designed to last forever, without separation (Malachi 2:16). Remember that one of the definitions of lust is "an unrestrained sexual craving", but one of the Fruit of the Spirit is self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). Since God is love (I John 4:8), and God made sex (Genesis 2:24-25), and the marriage bed is undefiled (free from stain or blemish), then between a godly husband and wife, it is not “lusting”, but pure, unadulterated loving that is going on; for them sex is not just about the flesh being satisfied, but their spirits becoming one.

Why do you think that God could say in Genesis 2:24, that when a man his united to his wife, that they would become one flesh? When you see two married people, they are not physically morphed, walking around as one being, right? No, when God said that “two would become one”, he was speaking of their spirits. Only love can make two spirits one. Besides, it’s pretty obvious that God ain’t got no problem with a little sexual healing in the marriage; as a matter of fact, he advises that you get as much of it as possible:

“It's good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I'm not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them."----I Corinthians 7:5-7

Let me also say that another huge trick of the Enemy is to take a single person’s guilt from their past sexual experiences into their marriage bed. In other words, you were “Ms. Red Light District” when you were single and now that you are married, you are “Ms. Missionary” and your husband is good to get it once a month. Remember, the Enemy’s job is to contort, distort and then condemn. The acts that you committed when you where intoxicated by lust are not received by God or your husband in the same way when you are sober-minded and celebrating love. Remember, when you are in Christ, there is no condemnation (Romans 8:1) and you, and prayerfully the things that you do, are a new creation, too (2 Corinthians 5:17).

I know some husband will want to send me a love offering on that one (and I’ll gladly take it), but we’ll leave that right there.

Bottom line, don’t you see? In the marriage bed, self-control (habitual moderation in the indulgence of the appetites or passions) is exhibited because it is in the blessed bond of sex that lust is kept out of the union. Remember, because marriage is a godly covenant, when a man and wife are physically intimate, God blesses their spirits as well and when you follow the Spirit, lust cannot be fulfilled (Galatians 5:16). However, when you are single and having sex, or married and committing adultery, here comes the counterfeit of lust and anything that the Enemy tries to duplicate, God does not tolerate:

“Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.

For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due.

And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful; who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them.”---Romans 1:24-32

Singles, when you are controlling your flesh, you are keeping it in check. When you don’t, that is what “unrestrained” means and when you are not a restrained, temperate, self-controlled person, you are not operating in the Fruit of the Spirit, which at the very least, makes you a hypocrite. So ladies, whenever a man tells you that he’s not interested in marriage because he can’t see being faithful to one woman for the rest of his life, what really should be going through your mind is, “Oh poor thing. He’s still a baby on spiritual milk who doesn’t know how to keep his flesh in check.” If you are a real woman, you don’t need a toddler in your life. No, what you need is a meat-and-potatoes man (Hebrews 5:12-14)!

Back to Jacob, Rachel and Leah…

So because their foundation was unstable, it was really hard for anyone to be happy in the house that chaos built.

One thing that I did find to be interesting about Leah in the midst of her self-inflicted trauma was that God was still blessing her (with children) even in spite of her mess and messiness. Therefore, this is my message to women with a Leah spirit: God doesn’t love you any less than the “Rachels” of the world. Even in the midst of your low self-esteem, because you too are his daughters, he still loves you and has compassion for the places where you hurt because he is no respecter of persons (Acts 10:34---AMP).

However, what the Leahs and Rachels should remember is that when a woman is broken, no matter what she has, it will not be enough. This is the lesson that we can all learn from Rachel. Even with all of the love and devotion that she was receiving from Jacob, she wanted what Leah had: she wanted to have children (Genesis 30:1).

Next lesson. Ladies, if you sense somewhere in your spirit that you are broken, then please, by all means, go to the Source of healing.

Your husband is not supposed to fill the void of your MIA father.

Your husband is not supposed to fill the void of the abuse that you received from your mother.

Your husband is not supposed to fill the void of your violent ex-boyfriend.

Your husband is not called by God to do any of those things. They are instructed to love you as Christ loved the Church (Ephesians 5:25), and as well as they love their own bodies (Ephesians 5:28). This is why you must marry a saved man because they are the only ones who can even begin to conceptualize what Christ’s love for the Church even is.

And, while I’m at it that is why marrying a coke/weed head, cigarette junkie, drunk, porn/sex addict or even a man who is a glutton, has poor hygiene or doesn’t take pride in his body and appearance are big “no nos” as well. If you wanna see how a man will take care of you, watch how he takes care of his own body and that will tell you everything that you need to know. If he doesn’t care about taking out his liver or getting cancer, why would you want to surrender your own safety to him? Right.

That’s what’s so interesting about Rachel when she approached Jacob about not having children. Even in the midst of the drama that Jacob was in, his response was dead on:

"Am I God? Am I the one who refused you babies?"

Look ladies, the only one meant to be your everything is God. These days, whenever someone tells me that they are getting married, more times than not, before saying “Congrats”, I will respond with “Why?” It has been my experience that their answer will be the determination of whether I will be in attendance or not. In God’s grace and mercy, some of us are still single because we are not all that clear about the purpose of a husband.

Well, I will tell you one thing that a husband is not and that’s a miracle worker. Whether you are single, engaged or married, please get a full understanding on the difference between the things that God can do and what he has put in a man’s power to do. Here Rachel was resenting Jacob for not giving her children, when in all actuality, he was doing his part. But, because she was not clear on what role was God’s and what role was Jacob’s, she took matters into her own hands (out of order and never good) and gave Jacob one of her maids to sleep with.

Ladies, when there is something you are wanting out of your relationship, please always remember God’s instituted order of things. So many marriages are suffering even now because when something is not going the way a wife thinks it should, she gets desperate and takes matters into her own hands.

She wants a new wardrobe and they are on a budget and so she makes charges on her secret credit card.

She’s having trouble with her mother-in-law and instead of discussing it with her husband first and/or waiting to come to a mutual resolve, she calls her up and tells her where to go.

She wants more income circulating throughout the home and so she takes a job that requires she be out of the house 12-14 hours per day.

I don’t care what the world’s way of doing things may be. When God put marriage in order, he placed the husband in charge over the wife (don’t be mad at me; take that up with God---Ephesians 5:22). If there is a problem, go to your husband and trust him (and if he’s godly, best believe that he will) to go to God with the situation.

What Jacob should have done was told Rachel that he would go to God about her barrenness. But instead, he slept with her maid and created even more of a mess (not the baby, but the confusion from being out of God’s order for marriage). As a matter of fact, it got to be such a traumatic and dramatic situation that soon Rachel and Leah lost respect for their husband’s role.

How do I know? Because after awhile he was being thrown around like a rag doll. At first, he was being used for making babies, but before long, he was being bartered for food:

“One day during the wheat harvest Reuben found some mandrakes in the field and brought them home to his mother Leah. Rachel asked Leah, 'Could I please have some of your son's mandrakes?'
Leah said, 'Wasn't it enough that you got my husband away from me? And now you also want my son's mandrakes?'

Rachel said, 'All right. I'll let him sleep with you tonight in exchange for your son's love-apples.'

When Jacob came home that evening from the fields, Leah was there to meet him: 'Sleep with me tonight; I've bartered my son's mandrakes for a night with you.' So he slept with her that night.”---Genesis 30:14-16

I don’t know what’s worse: that the sacredness of sex was being bartered or that the sacredness of sex was being bartered for fruit!

It sounds ridiculous, but wives pull these same stunts even now:

I will give you some if you buy me a new pair of shoes.

I won’t give you some if you make me mad tonight.

I might give you some if you promise to take me on vacation next month.

And men, let me just say that when you allow a woman to manipulate you like this, you are out of order. You are not called to submit to her; you are called to submit to God. Besides, Rachel is a perfect example of what happens when you bend over backwards to the point of breaking: respect is lost. Sex is not currency. It’s a gift from God. Singles, some of us are still single because we are not healed enough from our past disobedience to even grasp the validity of such a sacred act. Married folks, some of you are wondering why your intimate life is lacking and it’s because you are treating sex acts like food stamps rather than an invaluable token of God’s love for the marital union.

That was a lot, I know. Even I am still soaking some of it in, but here’s the lesson for today:

Whether you are single or married, ask God to reveal to you the areas in your life where lust, instead of love, has been the motivation. Just yesterday, I was listening to a radio show that was praising virginity (good), but also masturbation (not so good).

I know it is so taboo to even discuss this, but the Bible says that our testimonies will not only save us, but those who hear us (I Timothy 4:14-16). When I first embarked upon abstaining from having sex with someone else, it didn’t stop me from having sex with myself. And yes, you can gasp if you want to, but I ain’t alone. I know because I’ve done my research. A recent study that I read stated that roughly 60% of all women masturbate about two times a week on average. Yes, I once fell deep off into this category.

So am I saying that masturbation is wrong? Hmm. Well, I have a few things to say about that:

*It’s hard----and for women, downright impossible---to masturbate without lusting (in your mind) and we all know that lust is not of God (Ephesians 5:3). The Bible says that we shouldn’t allow love to turn into lust and so, when you “hooking yourself up”, sorry, but that is not an expression of all the love that you have for yourself but all of the lust in your flesh.

*If you are motivated by lust, you will never be satisfied by, well, “self-satisfying” (Proverbs 27:20)

*Sex was created for one reason and that was to make two people, one (Genesis 2:24-25). So yes, when you can split yourself in half, please, by all means, let a sistah know (and even then, it would be two women having sex and you can go to Romans 1 on that one!).

*But more than anything, I want you to be open to considering that when you masturbate, it is just a symptom of a greater ailment. If you are using it (actually abusing because it means that you are “abnormally using” your body), ask yourself why. Is it because you can’t control your sexual appetite? Hmm, aren’t we called to walk in temperance (Galatians 5:22-23)? Is it because you are nervously uncertain of when you will be able to have sex (or sex again)? Doesn’t the Bible say that we are to be anxious for nothing but to make our wants known to God (Philippians 4:6)? And if you are married, is it because you are not satisfied in your marriage bed? My Father (who is your Father) says in Ecclesiastes 3:14 that whatever God does, it shall be forever and nothing can be added to or taken from it. He made sex and he makes no mistakes. Your delight in his gift is just as important as the pleasure that his son, your husband, gets out of it. Don’t believe me? Check out Songs of Solomon some time.

I remember one of my high school teachers telling us that when we “find ways around” having sex, we create complications for which we were not prepared. When we do “everything but”, because we are creatures of habit, we often condition ourselves to only sexually perform up to a point. And, when we masturbate, we condition ourselves to believe that if we can’t have sex with someone else, no worries, we’ll just handle it on our own. You’d be amazed how this mindset can carry on into the marriage bed later on. I mean, why take the time to communicate to your partner what you need when you already know? What we miss in this selfish, "microwave world" mentality is that the communication of sex is just as special and sacred as the performance. When my time comes, I want to present my body in the spirit of love and love is patient (I Corinthians 13:4). I don’t want to move in haste for sexual gratification:

“Do not lay hands on anyone hastily, nor share in other people’s sins; keep yourself pure. (Actually this applies to the laying on of hands in church, but I just thought the timing of it was so fitting).”----I Timothy 5:22

Have you ever been to a restaurant and been given water in a glass with finger prints all over it? The water may be top of the line, but the glass still you makes you question that fact. A clean container and character, yes, that is what I’m aiming for (keep a sistah lifted).

Hold up all of my sanctimonious sistahs! Even if you have been abstinent (from others and yourself), you can still have a lust (an overwhelming desire or craving) for companionship. If you’re obsessed with getting a man, you still need to spend some time in the Word investigating what God says about lust. Remember, if you learn about love as a single person, it will make the expression of love as a married person just that much easier.

Also ask God to reveal if you have any voids that need to be filled by him. You don’t need to have a husband or a baby to feel loved or to make up from past issues. You should have that taken care of long before they come on to the scene because remember, in mature love, it is more blessed to give than to receive (Acts 20:35). To make a family work, you will need to be more concerned with what you are dishing out than what you are taking in.

And finally, aim to treat your single brothas, even now, with the respect that they deserve by honoring the position of man on the earth. We are always talking about men using women for sex, but we often use them for everything else. We are gifts from God, but so are they and they’re worth a lot more than a mandrake. Don’t barter their body, feelings, services or spirit for anything in this world. I could cost you. Dearly.

©Shellie R. Warren/2006