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5 Reasons Your Husband May Be Lying To You

by Carl Thomas on June 23rd, 2015 in Favorites, Couples, Spouses

5-reasons-lying-to-youOver the years I’ve come to recognize a few things that are pretty consistent when it comes to those who struggle with porn addiction (specifically men, for the purposes of this post). Things that I know not only from helping those who are addicted, but also from what I saw and did myself when I was addicted.

One of those things is this: pornography addiction makes men liars. (Tweet This!)

Now, please do not take this as a statement of condemnation. Remember, I’m talking from personal experience here.

But it is true. Pornography addiction has the ability to turn honest men into some of the worst liars. By its very nature, porn addiction needs secrecy and shame to breathe and thrive.

Unfortunately, the ones who get lied to the most are usually the ones closest to us: our families.

More specifically, our wives.

When couples come to us after uncovering porn use, the pollution of hurt and distrust can be thicker than the smog levels on a hot day in Los Angeles.

There are so many questions, but one of the biggest is: Why did he lie to me?

There are many reasons. I want to give you five.

And please realize that these aren’t “excuses,” nor do they make the lying okay; they’re just legitimate reasons that might help you deal with the pain.

Reason #1: Fear of looking weak.
Fact: Most men don’t like looking weak. We don’t. And we especially don’t want to look weak in front of our wives.

However, there is a common misconception out there that people who struggle with porn have some sort of inherent moral weakness. That basically there is a flaw in their character or DNA that keeps them from abstaining, because “if they weren’t weak, they would just NOT LOOK like the rest of us.”

However, this belief is a lie in and of itself and men who struggle with porn need to realize that. Yes, we are weak – but so is everyone else. Men who use porn aren’t suffering from some sort of special weakness.

Reason #2: Fear of loss.
Hey, this is a legitimate concern. Men (especially Christian men) realize that when they come clean, they are taking a big risk. A risk that their “betrayal” may cost them everything they love.

But men, if this is you, realize it’s always better for your porn use to be “brought” not “caught.” Getting caught with your hands in the perverbial cookie jar is far more devastating to your spouse than finding out through humble and sincere repentance.

Reason #3: Fear of hurting or disappointing those we love.
This reason is unique because it is in many ways selflessly motivated. I’ve been there. Husbands don’t want to hurt their wives (unless they are just awful husbands, but that’s a whole different topic). They also don’t want to disappoint their wives and, let’s be honest, admitting porn use is hurtful and disappointing.

Men, while your motivation is altruistic (but ultimately self-serving), realize that your lies are even more painful and disappointing. Be honest and give your wife what she deserves.

Reason #4: Fear of looking like the “creepy” guy.
Again, another myth: that only creepy guys look at porn. Men don’t want to be “that guy,” especially in front of their spouse.

However guys, this is your opportunity to shed light on the truth. Regular guys look at porn. (Tweet This!) You don’t have to be a creep to do it. Be part of the solution and not part of the problem.

Reason #5: Fear of getting our butt kicked.
This reason is by far the most regrettable. Unfortunately there are many men out there who lie because they just aren’t ready to stop. They don’t want to get their butt kicked and be forced to deal with their issues.

Guys, if this is you, there’s not much I can say that hasn’t been said already. You need to want freedom to find freedom. (Tweet This!) If you want porn, then most likely you will keep lying about it to your wife. And when your wife finds out, don’t be surprised when she decides it’s time to leave.

There are plenty of other reasons men lie about their addiction, but I believe these five are the most common.

Spouses, hopefully this gives you some insight.
Hopefully this will help with your healing in some way.

And guys, I know you have your reasons.
I know the idea of telling your spouse the truth is scary as crap.

But I assure you it’s the best way.

Because at the end of the day, dishonesty sucks. And being on the other end of that dishonesty sucks even more. Even if you have your reasons.


X3_Groups-Small.pngIf you are the spouse of a man struggling with pornography there is help for you too. His journey is yours also. Join an X3group JUST FOR SPOUSES and connect with other women just like you. Right NOW you can join any group and get your first 30 days for HALF OFF with Discount Code X3HALF.

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  • his beloved

    I am so incredibly proud of my fiance for telling me honestly about his problem and dealing with it BEFORE he asked me to marry him. I know there’s no safety that he won’t fall or slip up but I can trust him with my whole heart that he will tell me. It would hurt so much, but God will hep us through and I am so blessed for not having been lied to. Thank you, my best friend for fighting so hard and livin in the light. You’re my HERO!
    Dear Men, your honesty will make things much better and it helps so much to rebuild trust! I truly am the most blessed woman on earth. Not because it didn’t hurt me but because he’s done everything to help me through. How I wish more men would be like him!

  • Leticia Silva

    Ive been struggling with that. My husband and I have fought because of pornography since we were dating. Before he asked me to marry him he changed a lot and promissed to be honest with me. It lasted 2 years, when I was expecting our first baby he looked at porn but didnt hide it. It was devastating for me but at least he was honest. And now, 2 and a half years later it happened again, but now he hid it from me, I found out after more than a month he had been frequently watching it. I wanted to leave but he asked me for a last chance. He talked to our pastor and then asked me for forgiveness said that he now was begining to understand why it was wrong. But it only lasted a week. I don’t know if he is an addict because he can go a long time without it. And that’ why it’s so hard for me to understand why he looks for it. I honestly don’t know what to do. Sometimes I just want to leave him, but deep down I keep telling myself that this is pretty much his only fault, other than that he is a great husband and father. But now I am dealing with my own problems that his use of pornography brought me.

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