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Friday Rant: Sex Is Not a Chore

by Melissa Ruff on March 24th, 2017 in Women, Couples, Spouses

sex-not-chore-blog[Note: On Fridays we sometimes post new rants from one of our writers, edited only for typos and spelling. This new series is not for those easily offended or for those who only like to play nice. So read this before you start posting your comments.]

First, let me start by saying this post does not apply to anyone in an abusive relationship. If you are in one, please get the help you need in order to better your situation. This post is for the average, run of the mill marriage.

Second, I am a married woman that struggled with this issue. The more I learn my old way of thinking about sex is incorrect, the more I realize that sex is intended to intimately and wonderfully connect a husband and wife in a way nothing else can. (Aside from God of course!) I want you and your husband to experience the full, loving, gracious, joy-filled marriage that God intended.

Now, let’s talk about sex.

Ladies, this one is for you. Listen closely, sex is NOT a CHORE! Stop treating it that way.

So many times we have seen a married couple portrayed as the husband wanting sex and the wife continually acting annoyed because of it. Picture it, the husband and wife are laying down in bed and the husband tries to initiate sex with the wife. The wife turns to him, rolls her eyes and say “You’re kidding, right?”. That is not healthy. That is not funny. That is not marriage. STOP doing that.

Women, sex is for you too! Sex is not just for the men in our lives. Sex is supposed to be enjoyed by both male and female together. I’m pretty sure that is how God intended it from the beginning. Stop making excuses and start trying to get this right.

The most common excuse that I hear women say is they are tired. We are all tired. Get over it. Trust me on this one. I am a mother of three children under the age of eight. I AM TIRED. This is not an excuse. If you are too tired to be intimate with your husband, something else in your life needs to change. Ditch the T.V. show before bed, put the kids to bed earlier, find a way.

Here’s the truth, your marriage NEEDS to be the priority.

Listen, your children are wonderful. Your job is fantastic. Your hobbies are great and I love T.V. too. I get it. I am there sometimes too. So this is going to be hard to hear: your children, your job, your hobbies and especially television are not your first priority. Some of those are big ones, but not your first one.

x3-fighting-for-my-marriage-facebook-10If you’re a Christian, God is the first priority. Do you know what’s after God? Your husband is. Nothing else.

Chances are that your husband loves you. Even though it may not be what you want at the time, chances are that he shows that love through wanting to be with you physically. With that said, every time that you reject being with him, you are rejecting his love for you. You are rejecting his connection to you. You are crushing his self-esteem. You are rejecting him. When this happens one too many times, your marriage starts crumbling. You grow apart. And once it’s just you and your husband and you’re both retired after the kids leave, guess what, you have no real marriage.

This can all be avoided if you allow yourself to enjoy sex with your husband! I know, I know that many of you are thinking “He doesn’t help enough”, “He doesn’t say the right things”, “He isn’t emotionally available like I want him to be”. I get it. Here’s the thing though, YOU cannot change your husband. You can pray for your husband. However, YOU can only change YOU. Start by changing the way you think about sex. Start by allowing your husband to please you.

I used to be there. I used to reject my husband a lot. I have seen the difference in our marriage, friendship and life now that I have a better perspective on sex. I realized that my husband wants to connect with me and when I am receptive to him when it comes to sex, he is more available to connect emotionally. And let’s not forget that the sex is just flat out great!

Women, when you have sex with your husband and truly enjoy it, not treating it like a check on your list, you want to have more sex. Guess what happens after that? Sex gets better, your relationship with your husband gets better, your marriage gets better and then, before you know, your life gets better.

So stop asking how many times a man NEEDS to have sex. Stop treating sex like one more chore on your checklist. Start thinking about your husband. Start making your husband the priority. Start thinking about sex like an opportunity to make your marriage amazing! You will see miracles happen.

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  • Alexandra

    Ok. I’m not saying I necessarily disagree with this. But man, it’s very generalized. And you did say that this is advice for “run of the mill” marriages, so if I look at it that way, then mine isn’t. My husband is amazingggg. No abuse. But to be an open book and totally real here, I was sexually abused as a child, spent years drug addicted and promiscuous, and worked in the sex industry. I’ve healed a lot since then, and have an amazing marriage. But there are plenty of times I can feel pressured to have sex bc of my past. Even from my loving, kind husband, who doesn’t ever mean to make me feel that way. Sometimes when I have a day that the past seems to weigh heavy, the last thing I want is sex. It actually scares me or makes me feel violated. I’m on a journey with God to completely heal and change my perspectives on all that, and my husband is patient with me, but I should in no way feel like I should “just enjoy it more” or whatever. “Make it a priority.” My husband is my
    Top priority beside God already. And again, maybe it’s just that we don’t have a “run of the mill” marriage bc of my past and nothing im saying is even relevant. But I guess I’m writing this extremely vulnerable stuff for anyone else who reads this article and knows how I feel. To know that the advice in this article doesn’t always work for women like us. Atleast not yet. Maybe someday when our past doesn’t give us days where it bites us and God has brought us to a place where we can truly believe the truth that He has wiped all that away. That the shame isn’t our identity and we are free of it all. But until then, dont ever feel like you “have” to do anything. Because you don’t. And I pray that every women who has a past, can find a husband that is willing to walk that road with her with love and patience.

    • Melissa Ruff

      Hey Alexandra! Thank you so much for your response! I wanted to let you know how encouraging it is to hear that you are on a path of healing from your past abuse. I commend that! This post was absolutely intended for marriages that don’t have or have completely healed from past abuses. My husband and I had pornography addiction deeply afftect our marriage. It wasn’t until after much healing on both ends that I realized how important our sex life and I how I had been treated it like another chore in the day instead of seeing it as a form of connection with my husband. I, in no way, meant for any reader to feel that they “have” to do anything, especially in cases of former abuse. My only intention here was to help other people realize how truly important deep intamacy in marriage is. Thanks again Alexandra and I’m praying for your continued healing!

      • Alexandra

        Thanks for clarifying Melissa. ? This kind of stuff is such a soft spot for me for obvious reasons. I felt the need to say something, but I still think it was a great article and love your passion. I appreciate you hearing my story and for your prayers!

        • Melissa Ruff

          Absolutely! God is Jehovah Rapha and can bring total healing. I love your courage in telling your story. Thank you for sharing!

    • Chris

      Yes, you don’t have a run of the mill marriage. But it seems like from what you’ve said, that you TALK about your feelings with your husband. In other
      Words ” I don’t feel like having sex because…..” That is HUGE! A guy will still feel moored connected like that, especially if you talk through both the emotions, triggers and other technical details. I don’t think most women do that. They hide their feelings, slowly but surely develop a very strongly rooted bitterness and then wonder why they can’t break their cycle of stubbornness, and why their spouse just wants sex. Women please understand, guys are physically affectionate, we give and receive love physically (obviously other ways too) you can rebel against this, get bitter and be a stumbling block to your husband or you can work out a very healthy mutual understanding of How you reach give and receive love most effectively. Both TV and pastors often portray marital priorities wrong. Like the whole ” happy life-happy life” bullets. One spouse is not more important than the other. That phrase is a mantra for the 1950’s spoiled American wife, not in the bible and really terrible advice, unless the husband has low testosterone libido and has a laid back passive (flegmatic) personality. I’ve often prayed for less sex drive and less hormones, but it’s just not me. My wife doesn’t care and then cheats on me twice, but is the shining star at any church. That is the state of Christian women. And remember according to Christian women, only the husband can be abusive not women, the wife can virtually kidnap your child, not move with you if you find a new job or go back to school, but instead go a vacation with their parents for weeks and weeks and weeks while the husband doesn’t see his child, and is losing in his relationship with the pride of his life. In this situation in America Christendom, the women is still the hero, the guy just a loser. Women your comments mean nothing to me, Most of you (certainly not the enlightened writer of this article) the most spoiled self serving luxury driven narcissists that the world has ever seen

    • Brandy

      Please don’t feel that you have to have sex if this is not what you want, you’re not a prostitute, you’re so much more. You have the right to refuse things. If you don’t want to do something sexual you shouldn’t have to. I do not do oral sex or anal sex full stop. Vaginal sex is painful and difficult but I try now and again. Some of the men here are trying to warp the Bible to fit their needs. Jesus taught love and acceptance, not to coerce women into unwanted sex. The feeling of sexual violation can be profound so Jesus would not want us to do anything to one another which could further traumatise, degrade or cause us to feel shame.

  • Jamie

    I think if some of you would put as much effort into other things as you do talking about sex, you may have time to do some good in the world . This pastor must have a sex addiction . I am so thankful that I have more to offer than just sex . Yiu DJ realize that women are capable of much more than just that ?

    • Chris

      Her point is that sex enhances a relationship especially when someone gives and receives love like that. Some people are more physically sensitive. They like sports, going outside, they often have good rhythm coordination and can feel and produce a beat, they literally feel more physically, you may not. You may have different hormones and/or different life experiences. You are portraying your self as an asexual Christian who enjoys being pretentious and articulating to the world that they are so glad they don’t have this or that. Hmm, sound just like the pharisees. Wwjd
      Please do yourself a favor and marry someone who has a very low sex drive, because you are clueless when it comes to sex if you cannot translate this well written article.

  • elladeon

    I know where this is coming from, but it’s not only women who reject and who make excuses to avoid sex. As one of the ones on the other side.

    • Chris

      God bless you, in my world it’s hard to believe such a situation or woman exists!
      Opposites attract, people who don’t seek physical intimacy for some reason are initially drawn to people who do. While people who are really drawn to the physical aspects of intimacy, somehow feel safe, accepted and are drawn to people who don’t seek that.

    • Chris

      Asking for sex when you know the other person doesn’t want it is terrible. Then you go out and people give you the sparkly eye all day, it’s torture. Lol
      A life of committed celibacy, seems to be a growing definition of modern marriage. Not how is was meant to be.

      Please divulge where it is coming from! Interested….

  • Karen

    I loved this article and hope we can widen the discussion to include women who want to have deep God-divined physical intimacy but who’s husbands struggle with this. In my case – pornography and it’s sometimes warped view of a woman’s body has contributed to my husbands disinterest in my ‘mom of three girls body’ and what I call sexual anorexia. I want unconditional acceptance, he wants a body that will turn him on. The honest truth is that I’m unwilling to budge on my ‘want’ and although I eat well and exercise – my middle age body isn’t following his ‘want’. Prayers for wisdom and patience are growing old.

    • Chris

      He wants an adventure, he wants someone who still has life, he wants someone who wants him. what often happens is women shut off intimately, shut off any sense of sensual passion or desire, then expect the same unconditional acceptance (i.e get me everything I want and make me feel special cherished, like your princess, buy me cards, flowers and ice cream while I unnoticeably gain one pound per month) “sex, haha, no thanks, you kidding me, and why are having problems at work or with porn? Oh I’ll pray for You, you need encouragement….yada yada” this is the modern asexual Christian American women. Narcissistic and unconsciously selfish. You said it, your unwilling and that is the single biggest thing your husband can’t stand. You are stubborn and you don’t want your husband to get what he wants because you are bitter. Guess what you are an obstacle meet, congrats, no not a help meet, but an obstacle meet. And you wonder why your husband is struggling?

      • Brandy

        This above comment is shocking. You think it’s narcissistic not to want to have sex? You don’t know what that person’s been through. For some women not only is sex emotionally unpleasant but it physically hurts, especially if there has been any kind of prior sexual abuse. The same woman you see as narcissistic does chores no end, cleaning in circles day after day only to answer to a grumpy, aggressive husband who criticises everything she does. The woman asks for nothing while the husband saves up and hoards his money up in the bank. She is the equivalent of a free maid/nanny or slave without a word of thanks yet is seen as some sort of goldigger. Being a housewife is like being a slave.

        • Chris

          You are defining a very specific situation which is not the norm in many circles and the complete opposite of my scenario. What is the purpose here? I was describing a classic scenario which cant be true in every relationship, but which is a problem….
          Seeing yourself as a slave is a choice. Its a choice you must have made and/or you may have been in a bad situation, because the type of person to make that choice is the exact type of person to catch on to one buzz word and reinterpret it to make it fit your antagonistic view. You are missing the many other points and the bigger picture. Women immediately lose the heart of a man when they reinterpret things, get stubborn and bitter all while missing the original point. You are obsessed with being right even though you haven’t thought it through. Your claim (which I won’t repeat, or fall into your unconscious bitterness trap) is clearly not what was said, but it seems you want it to be. Im certainly glad Im not married to you. Lol, nightmare
          Read it again, and quit latching on to buzz words and actually understand the picture, the whole scenario.
          Maybe you are too used to seeing everything from a female perspective, or maybe you were attracted to your husband because of his dominance, of which you now complain about.
          You are bitter at your own position, just as grumpy as your husband. You need to become the best version of yourself for yourself and your kids, and your husband too.
          Re: sex; if a woman doesnt want to have sex in marriage they should disclose it before making wedding plans or not get married. There are asexual men out there. Find one and marry them.
          If you are still complaining about something that happened 10- 20 years ago then you clearly haven’t taken enough steps to heal, and are NOT ready for a relationship in the first place! This should be disclosed BEFORE marriage. Not a difficult concept.
          If a man doesn’t have any intention of earning a living or paying the bills, he better @&=/[email protected]# sure to disclose that @&#/#!$ before getting married! Wouldn’t you be irritated if he didn’t?
          I could go on and on….please view things from many perspectives so you arent so passively or ignorantly shocked by reality. Just because its shocking to you doesn’t mean its not real, doesn’t mean you haven’t missinterpreted it etc…..
          Good luck

    • Chris

      Each person should pick one thing that month that the other person wants, and don’t look at the final picture or want.
      Agree to do this one small thing and write a note or talk about how each person is trying to fulfill as it happens.
      The process of this over time can be very attractive, noticeable effort and the right look of the eye can be much more attractive than std women (and yes std men) who are only looking for money.

  • Kjetil

    I wish I could say that I did not nod my head in agreement here.

  • Elicia Zimmerman

    My husband doesn’t even reach out to me and hasn’t for years. Instead he went and found an AP and does porn. Not fair to me, as a result after god it’s my children who have to be my priority, not my husband. He’s abandoned me.

    • Chris

      What is AP? What happened before you feel he abandoned you? My wife says I abandoned her…. Yet she cheats on me, if she doesn’t get the new car she wants, she’ll go get it from her dad, baby crib ($500), same thing. Post baby, it was all about how her parents could be the second parents, going to store, completely trusted, me like an after thought. They were over at our house for 28 days straight ( I started counting) she would prefer that her dad take the baby, he would go off in a dark solitary room for hours and hours, but in my case it’s three against one, my wife, mother-in-law and father-in-law against me.
      They are all truly terrible people.
      I grew up without a father, never met him even though he lived 8 miles down the road, being a father is the most important thing to me. American Women rob their husbands of fatherhood and then want the world in return. What is she doing right now you ask (tongue in cheek), after vacationing for two weeks with her parents and our toddler in Indiana, she is now off to Virginia with her family, while she refuses to move down to where I am trying to go back for doctoral studies. She knows I will not be able to make it more than one semester away. Classic spoiled American women with a very warped view of what the bible actually says. I know so many relationships where it’s the women who are cheating, but no one ever finds out, because frankly it’s very humiliating from a man’s perspective since he is so interested in that himself. Of course in the end per the standard american women, ” it’s all the guys fault, … Right” just keep throwing your husbands under the bus and then keep asking yourselves why your relationships aren’t working, nevermind you won’t ask because you really don’t care, it’s all about you, your own parents and your kids.
      Like one guy I talked to, he said he found out after they got married that his wife believed that sex was only for procreation. Wow, unbelievable! Such a lack of ethics and open honesty. Again typical American woman.
      Yeah I know this is a rant, but as you can see I don’t care, and I love it! Truth will win in the end.

  • Well said! We have this conversation with couples often, “Don’t use sex as a bargaining chip to be doled out only when your spouse deserves it.” That is NOT what God intended. We must remind ourselves that God intended sex to bond a husband and wife together in ways that little else can.
    Need to be closer to your spouse? Make time for physical intimacy!

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