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Friday Rant: Sex Is Not a Chore

by Melissa Ruff on March 24th, 2017 in Couples, Spouses, Women

sex-not-chore-blog[Note: On Fridays we sometimes post new rants from one of our writers, edited only for typos and spelling. This new series is not for those easily offended or for those who only like to play nice. So read this before you start posting your comments.]

First, let me start by saying this post does not apply to anyone in an abusive relationship. If you are in one, please get the help you need in order to better your situation. This post is for the average, run of the mill marriage.

Second, I am a married woman that struggled with this issue. The more I learn my old way of thinking about sex is incorrect, the more I realize that sex is intended to intimately and wonderfully connect a husband and wife in a way nothing else can. (Aside from God of course!) I want you and your husband to experience the full, loving, gracious, joy-filled marriage that God intended.

Now, let’s talk about sex.

Ladies, this one is for you. Listen closely, sex is NOT a CHORE! Stop treating it that way.

So many times we have seen a married couple portrayed as the husband wanting sex and the wife continually acting annoyed because of it. Picture it, the husband and wife are laying down in bed and the husband tries to initiate sex with the wife. The wife turns to him, rolls her eyes and say “You’re kidding, right?”. That is not healthy. That is not funny. That is not marriage. STOP doing that.

Women, sex is for you too! Sex is not just for the men in our lives. Sex is supposed to be enjoyed by both male and female together. I’m pretty sure that is how God intended it from the beginning. Stop making excuses and start trying to get this right.

The most common excuse that I hear women say is they are tired. We are all tired. Get over it. Trust me on this one. I am a mother of three children under the age of eight. I AM TIRED. This is not an excuse. If you are too tired to be intimate with your husband, something else in your life needs to change. Ditch the T.V. show before bed, put the kids to bed earlier, find a way.

Here’s the truth, your marriage NEEDS to be the priority.

Listen, your children are wonderful. Your job is fantastic. Your hobbies are great and I love T.V. too. I get it. I am there sometimes too. So this is going to be hard to hear: your children, your job, your hobbies and especially television are not your first priority. Some of those are big ones, but not your first one.

x3-fighting-for-my-marriage-facebook-10If you’re a Christian, God is the first priority. Do you know what’s after God? Your husband is. Nothing else.

Chances are that your husband loves you. Even though it may not be what you want at the time, chances are that he shows that love through wanting to be with you physically. With that said, every time that you reject being with him, you are rejecting his love for you. You are rejecting his connection to you. You are crushing his self-esteem. You are rejecting him. When this happens one too many times, your marriage starts crumbling. You grow apart. And once it’s just you and your husband and you’re both retired after the kids leave, guess what, you have no real marriage.

This can all be avoided if you allow yourself to enjoy sex with your husband! I know, I know that many of you are thinking “He doesn’t help enough”, “He doesn’t say the right things”, “He isn’t emotionally available like I want him to be”. I get it. Here’s the thing though, YOU cannot change your husband. You can pray for your husband. However, YOU can only change YOU. Start by changing the way you think about sex. Start by allowing your husband to please you.

I used to be there. I used to reject my husband a lot. I have seen the difference in our marriage, friendship and life now that I have a better perspective on sex. I realized that my husband wants to connect with me and when I am receptive to him when it comes to sex, he is more available to connect emotionally. And let’s not forget that the sex is just flat out great!

Women, when you have sex with your husband and truly enjoy it, not treating it like a check on your list, you want to have more sex. Guess what happens after that? Sex gets better, your relationship with your husband gets better, your marriage gets better and then, before you know, your life gets better.

So stop asking how many times a man NEEDS to have sex. Stop treating sex like one more chore on your checklist. Start thinking about your husband. Start making your husband the priority. Start thinking about sex like an opportunity to make your marriage amazing! You will see miracles happen.

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  • Alexandra

    Ok. I’m not saying I necessarily disagree with this. But man, it’s very generalized. And you did say that this is advice for “run of the mill” marriages, so if I look at it that way, then mine isn’t. My husband is amazingggg. No abuse. But to be an open book and totally real here, I was sexually abused as a child, spent years drug addicted and promiscuous, and worked in the sex industry. I’ve healed a lot since then, and have an amazing marriage. But there are plenty of times I can feel pressured to have sex bc of my past. Even from my loving, kind husband, who doesn’t ever mean to make me feel that way. Sometimes when I have a day that the past seems to weigh heavy, the last thing I want is sex. It actually scares me or makes me feel violated. I’m on a journey with God to completely heal and change my perspectives on all that, and my husband is patient with me, but I should in no way feel like I should “just enjoy it more” or whatever. “Make it a priority.” My husband is my
    Top priority beside God already. And again, maybe it’s just that we don’t have a “run of the mill” marriage bc of my past and nothing im saying is even relevant. But I guess I’m writing this extremely vulnerable stuff for anyone else who reads this article and knows how I feel. To know that the advice in this article doesn’t always work for women like us. Atleast not yet. Maybe someday when our past doesn’t give us days where it bites us and God has brought us to a place where we can truly believe the truth that He has wiped all that away. That the shame isn’t our identity and we are free of it all. But until then, dont ever feel like you “have” to do anything. Because you don’t. And I pray that every women who has a past, can find a husband that is willing to walk that road with her with love and patience.

    • Melissa Ruff

      Hey Alexandra! Thank you so much for your response! I wanted to let you know how encouraging it is to hear that you are on a path of healing from your past abuse. I commend that! This post was absolutely intended for marriages that don’t have or have completely healed from past abuses. My husband and I had pornography addiction deeply afftect our marriage. It wasn’t until after much healing on both ends that I realized how important our sex life and I how I had been treated it like another chore in the day instead of seeing it as a form of connection with my husband. I, in no way, meant for any reader to feel that they “have” to do anything, especially in cases of former abuse. My only intention here was to help other people realize how truly important deep intamacy in marriage is. Thanks again Alexandra and I’m praying for your continued healing!

      • Alexandra

        Thanks for clarifying Melissa. 🙂 This kind of stuff is such a soft spot for me for obvious reasons. I felt the need to say something, but I still think it was a great article and love your passion. I appreciate you hearing my story and for your prayers!

        • Melissa Ruff

          Absolutely! God is Jehovah Rapha and can bring total healing. I love your courage in telling your story. Thank you for sharing!

  • Jamie

    I think if some of you would put as much effort into other things as you do talking about sex, you may have time to do some good in the world . This pastor must have a sex addiction . I am so thankful that I have more to offer than just sex . Yiu DJ realize that women are capable of much more than just that ?

  • elladeon

    I know where this is coming from, but it’s not only women who reject and who make excuses to avoid sex. As one of the ones on the other side.

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