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How Masturbation Almost Ruined Our Honeymoon

by Alice Taylor on November 1st, 2017 in Men, Women, Couples, Students, Spouses

My husband and I have been married for three short months. We’re new to the sex game. We never realized it could be so difficult.

Masturbation almost ruined our honeymoon.

Before that, though, the wedding was a beautiful blur. We woke up way too early, said our vows, paid too much for everything, and it was worth it!

We tolerated the photos and festivities, but when the night closed, we literally ran out of the reception hall and punched our hotel address into Google Maps. We were going to have actual sex! Finally!

That first time was special, however…over the course of the honeymoon, we found something wasn’t quite right.

Sex was disappointing, frustrating and not nearly as orgasmic as we both expected. We realised our histories with masturbation had negatively impacted our sex life.

Masturbation taught us to expect great sex and great orgasms every time.

After ten or so years of consistent masturbation, whether that was accompanied by porn, fantasy or ‘lustless thoughts’, I’d say we both had a pretty good grip on the act. It was quick, pleasurable and consistent. It was often an escape from the discomforts of life. It was reliably good.

Of course, when it came to real sex, we expected the same thing.

Effectively pleasuring ourselves, along with the influence of Hollywood, hook-up culture and porn taught us sex would be easy. Every encounter would result in great sex and great orgasms, for both of us…every time. Wasn’t it supposed to be like super-charged masturbation?

We were ready for the fireworks show.

Alas, it never came.

Masturbation taught our bodies to respond to one thing only.

It was not for lack of love, affection or effort that our intimacy struggled on the honeymoon. It was our bodies listening to what we’d taught them.

We had both set ourselves up for specific stimulation, in a specific time frame. It was all about ‘my pleasure’ in ‘my time’.

By virtue, I could never please him like he’d learned for ten years. And likewise. Sex is different when there’s two of you. Our hands and bodies felt different, they worked differently, moved differently. We had access to body parts foreign to us until we said our vows. It was entirely different to self-stimulation. And in many cases, not as good. Whatever we were doing to each other, it just didn’t feel right.

We were like two Atlantic salmon flailing about on top of each other, trying to find the right spot. We gave up many times, exhausted and disappointed.

It was frustrating that we’d both accustomed our bodies to respond to XYZ and the other was doing ABC.

It was worse than trying to direct someone to scratch an itch on your back, in juuust the right spot.

There is not much more dangerous for intimacy than thinking ‘I can do this better’ when your spouse is trying to serve you.

The result of this was confusion and disappointment. I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me. I questioned why he didn’t want to have sex all the time, and why he didn’t seem to love it when we did.

Then came the most intimate experience of our honeymoon.

One evening, we sat together on the lounge, wearing track pants and eating dip. With a B-grade movie playing in the background, we looked at each other and cried. It was overwhelming. We felt so prepared and excited, but sex just didn’t live up to the fantasy.

We prayed about it together, through tears. We realised then, that sex was sacred and beautiful. It was the act of sharing intimacy with your spouse, rather than just a means to an orgasm. If we got both out of an experience, that was great! But, if we didn’t have mind-blowing sex, that was still okay. We were learning to move together, understand the other and become one. It was sacred.

We’re still learning, but from that moment onward, sex became so much better for both of us. Ditching the pressure and expectation of having amazing sex every time truly brought peace and understanding. In this environment, we could communicate and learn.

It’s funny how losing the expectation of an orgasm actually results in more of them.

Everyone brings baggage to the marriage bed. Ours just happened to be a long history of masturbation and self-indulgence. Let this be a warning to you, whether single, engaged or married. When you masturbate, you take your spouse (or future spouse) out of the equation. How you live your life now, is setting a pattern for your future sex life.

Masturbation is a grey area in the Christian world. It brings out the fire in people. I’ve wavered in my opinion over the years, but this new stage of life has confirmed to me, that regular masturbation can really mess with your future. Choose for yourself, but consider this reflection from a newlywed who wishes to save you the strife of frustrating, confused sex that makes you wonder if it’s even worth it at all (psst, yes. It is).

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  • Yes, yes, yes! As someone who’s been there, done that, and still struggles with that, I couldn’t agree more with you. I truly think years of self-pleasure put a serious strain on the physically intimate aspect of the relationship with my wife. Everything you describe here, we experienced, too. Of course, it didn’t help that our honeymoon locale and environment ended up making us feel as though we were at newlywed summer camp, but that moment of frustration, or moments of frustration, and moments of tears, are still vivd memories. It took a lot of time and counseling to get to anything we’d consider normal, and we often still struggle, unless we are very intentional about making time for each other.

    Thanks for posting this. I think more people need to hear it.

  • Patrick Macharia Kamau

    Very true,by masturbating,you actually completely train your mind and body a routine that becomes very difficult to change. Sex is sacred and is to be shared with your one and only life partner.This message is a must for the young people and specially singles looking into marriage,so as to avoid the pitfalls of masturbation. Thanks for sharing.

  • limestone72

    I agree, my wife and I have a sexless relationship because of my masturbation and it has been like that for many years!

  • Michael Burlison

    Conflicted is the best way I can describe this. In my marriage, we had a lot of sex at the beginning, then we had a child, not as much. Masterbation has its place but it is also an evil that takes you away from your spouse. But what do you do when that’s all your getting.

    • Dave

      Because of my own past, I can relate to and sympathize with being conflicted. However, can something “evil” also “have its place” in the Christian life? It does not seem likely. In Him.

      • Michael Burlison

        I can see your point. I don’t know what else to say without just outting myself or pissing off wife

  • Ian Call

    I disagree. Sex is so easily misused to fill a void we experience in our fallen-ness be it masturbatory or otherwise. Whether or not you masturbated or not for 10yrs the unrealistic expectation of sex as the ultimate pleasurable experience (the message from the culture at large) or as euphoric holiness (the message from the church at large) sets up young couples for failure. After reading the article I am left with the impression that not thinking about an orgasm will lead to more orgasms – or How I learned to stop worrying and love the lack of orgasms. When in reality the underlying principle is the change in expectations away from the distortion of what everyone says sex is. Sex is difficult. Two people come together for the first time or many many times and attempt to figure out how to work together to produce pleasure in each other. Yes, it is in fact easier to do this by myself. But that is rather the point. If sex is (masturbation or as a couple) used to fill loneliness or meaning it will never be enough and we will have nothing left to give our partner. Sex means learning over and over how to pleasure each other again and again and again. And even then it might very well end in missed opportunities and lack of enjoyment throughout various seasons in life.

  • This is so true, amen, I relate. thank you for sharing. The Cathoilc Church has for all time condemned masturbation as intrinsically disordered and selfish, a grave sin. She took so much flack for it in the sexual revolution. People caustically joking about going to confession all the time and getting so many hail mary’s for every time you did the thing. Chastity is priceless. i wish mine hadn’t been robbed at such a young age with the selfishness.

  • Ian Call

    My comment was detected as spam. I am not spam. I just disagree.

  • Renee Goff

    Excellent. 💙

  • Ian Call

    Sex is so easily misused to fill a void we experience in our fallen-ness
    be it masturbatory or otherwise. Whether or not you masturbated or not
    for 10yrs the unrealistic expectation of sex as the ultimate pleasurable
    experience (the message from the culture at large) or as euphoric
    holiness (the message from the church at large) sets up young couples
    for failure. After reading the article I am left with the impression
    that not thinking about an orgasm will lead to more orgasms – or how I
    stopped worrying and learned to love the lack of orgasms. When in
    reality, the underlying principle is the change in expectations away
    from the distortion of what everyone says sex is, regardless of how you
    view masturbation. Sex is difficult. But the difficulty is worth it. Two
    people come together for the first time or many many times and attempt
    to figure out how to work together to produce pleasure in each other.
    Yes, it is in fact easier to do this by myself. Especially if you add
    the stress of unrealistic expectations. But that is rather the point. As
    a couple you grow together (hopefully over a lifetime- God-willing) to
    learn what each other finds pleasurable, what each other likes or does
    not like or how that might all change over time. If sex (masturbation
    or as a couple) is used to fill loneliness or meaning it will never be
    enough and we will have nothing left to give our partner. A healthy view
    of sex means learning over and over how to pleasure each other again
    and again and again. And even then it might very well end in missed
    opportunities and lack of enjoyment throughout various seasons in life.
    View the meaning of sex soberly and work to find each other in the
    chaos, which sometimes means getting help from a caring community. A
    change in expectation and correct ordering of the good of sex is key,
    not necessarily whether individuals masturbate.

  • Greg

    It quite literally makes you an expert at “loving” (only) yourself… not someone else. So it makes sense that it doesn’t enhance anyone’s lovemaking abilities.

  • Shaun Johnson

    I Have Struggled With Masturbation

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