How Long…

Posted on September 9th, 2018 in Letters

Letter to myself:

I have both loved you and hated you for so long. The freedom I know in my heart that Jesus promises me has alluded me most of my life because of you. You have been so overwhelmingly exciting to me at times and yet so very controlling. You have made me feel so alive, so dead and so ultimately hopeless all at the same time. You have always come back just when I thought I was getting somewhere and dragged me back to the place of shame, desperation, total insecurity and condemnation. All of the promises of satisfaction you have promised me are so empty and so defeating and yet I have fallen for it hopelessly for so long. I know better and yet I am powerless over you. I beg you to please go and leave me alone once and for all. How long must I fall to you?

Letter from my sex addict:

I truly never wanted to take you here to this endless pit of despair and hopelessness. When I first showed you masturbation and porn as a child I never knew it would enslave us both for a life time. All I ever wanted was calmness, acceptance and peace but all I ever brought was confusion, shame and fear resulting in insecurity. I wish I could change it all for us and start over but I am a slave in the end with no power to help you, I only want you to join me in this bondage forever, I am terrified of life without perversion’s escape from mundane reality. I know you belong to the Lord but I want to own your heart as well, I don’t like to share your affections, I am feeding on your defeat, misery, insecurity and fear. I will not let go,

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