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30 DAY PORN FREE CHALLENGE

30 DAYS OF ADVICE TO HELP YOU STAY PORN FREE

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3 Messages You Send Your Wife When You Say “Every Guy Watches Porn”

by Eddie Capparucci on July 25th, 2016 in Couples, Men, Spouses

xxxchurch - 3 Messages You Send Your Wife When You Say -Every Guy Watches Porn-“I don’t know what you are so upset about. Every guy watches porn. It’s no big deal so why don’t you just leave it alone.”

I am blown away by the number of men I meet in my counseling practice who have uttered those words to their wives to justify their pornography addiction. In fact, many men believe watching pornography is as harmless as watching football. In their minds, since “every guy watches porn,” then it’s a harmless activity.

But they’re wrong.

Viewing pornography is far from harmless, especially to the emotional well-being of our wives. When we watch porn, we are sending extremely hurtful messages to our spouses.

While we may not intend to communicate these self-worth eroding messages, nevertheless these messages are coming through loud and clear. Here are three of them.

1) I don’t need you to achieve sexual gratification.

Sex was designed by God as a gift for married men and women to enjoy. How do we know this? Here’s a clue, from the book of Proverbs:

”May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in your young wife – a loving doe, a graceful deer; may her breasts satisfy you at all times, may you be captivated by her love always.” Proverbs 5:18-19

When we engage with pornography and masturbation, we are indirectly communicating to our wives that they are not needed when it comes to fulfilling our sexual needs. The sexual images we salivated over are more than adequate and always readily available. Our selfishness is a punch in the stomach and a blow to their self-worth.

2) I find other women more sexually stimulating.

“He has no idea how I die inside when I see the images he has been lusting over. I can’t compete with those women. They are perfect-looking. It destroys me to know he prefers them over me.”

Similar words are uttered by wives who spend countless hours comparing themselves to the pornographic images their husbands have viewed. They feel defeated and demoralized, believing their husbands are unsatisfied not just with their sex lives but with them as women.

Pornography dishonors our wives and sends a message that we no longer desire them sexually, but prefer to engage with others for our sexual desires. Instead, our wives need to believe our eyes—and our desires—are focused solely on them. They deserve to feel special and unique, but more importantly they should feel secure in knowing our hearts belong are dedicated to them.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Ephesians 5:25

There is nothing Christ-like about choosing pornography over our wives.

3) You’re a prude.

There is seemingly no end to the variety of sexual practices you can find in pornography. At its extreme, it can range from bizarre to degrading. And when our wives stumble across disturbing images and videos the message they receive is: “you bore me when it comes to sex.”

There is nothing I find more troubling in my counseling practice than when a wife describes how she allowed herself to engage in humiliating sexual scenarios that were similar to those her husband had been watching through porn. She is fearful if she doesn’t submit then he will eventually find someone else to play out his twisted fantasy. However, now she is left her filled with shame and guilt for allowing her body to be used in a degrading manner.

The continuous use of pornography will ultimately result in a need to escalate the types of sexual practices viewed in order for a man to continue to be stimulated. Unfortunately, the longer the addiction continues, the more demeaning and bizarre the images can become. It is objectifying at best, degrading and humiliating at its worst. And that is far from how God envision sex would be enjoyed between two married adults.

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” Hebrews 13:4

You may not realize it, but your use of pornography is sending very negative and damaging messages to your wife. You may think that every guy watches porn, but “every guy” isn’t married to your wife. You are. It’s time to change the line of communication and that begins by making the commitment to honor, respect, and love her.

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  • juanmas53

    Your first 2 reasons are pure BS.

    Reason 1 – She’s not needed to achieve sexual gratification.Just ask a couple in which one partner has a much higher labido than the other about that. A wife with a low labido is not in a position to satisfy her husbands extremely high sex drive, so it’s perfectly logical and practical for him to have his needs met by other means rather than unduly burden his wife with that responsibility.

    Reason 2 – He finds other women more sexually stimulating. It’s perfectly natural to find new persons attractive sexcually than a long term partner. It’s human nature. However, it doesn’t have to mean that you don’t find your long term partner attractive. Think of it this way. With a new partner, there is a lot of curiosity and desire to explore. Much of that curiosity and has been done in long term relationships. A long term relationship cannot compete with the fire of a new relationship. That’s why the immature are incapable of having long term relationships because they “fall out of love” so easily when the heat of relationship naturally diminishes. As the late advice columnist Ann Landers used to say, people who are constantly seeking out new relationships are hooked on speed – i.e. the speed of new relationships. The beauty of a long term relationship is that there is more value than only sexual gratification.

    Your third reason is pure conjecture and meanness. Just because there are certain sex acts you don’t like participating in does not make you a prude. It’s a mean spirited term that is used to denigrate a person and I object to its use.

    • Diasgang

      You have been lied to my friend. It does not matter how low your wife’s sex drive is, adultery is adultery and sin. To get sexual gratification from anyone other than your spouse is sin.

      • juanmas53

        Where in the Bible did you get that wacky definition of adultery? Masterbation is not adultery nor is watching porn adultery. If that were true, watching lovers getting it on on TV or the movies would be a sin!
        However you and every other Christian have no problems with divorced women with living ex husbands remarrying, which is adultery as defined in Mat 19:9!

        • elladeon

          Well that seems extreme, since Diasgang didn’t talk about their views on divorce. That said, if someone gets a divorce because their husband was cheating, then I think remarriage is fair and allowed on account of the marriage was itself dissolved. If they got divorced for other reasons, remarriage is not permissible. So … there.

          Also, you just confirmed what the author said 100%. What he said is that when a husband is viewing porn, he is telling his wife he doesn’t need her and he finds other women more sexually appealing (which are hurtful messages to the wife). Your objection is that … it’s totally okay to find sexual gratification apart from your wife and naturally every man finds new people more sexually interesting than their spouses. So you just affirmed that those hurtful messages are 100% true — I guess your objection is that you’re cool with sending that message and are mad that women could be upset by it? As for #3, that was actually close to what my husband said when I found out he was using porn. Not that I’m a prude, but that he could get a lot more variety and could look at “other things” with porn and it was easier than actually having sex. The use of “prude” here isn’t denigrating — again, the author is not calling wives prudes. He is saying that that is the message that husbands are sending, and that that message is bad.

          • juanmas53

            Actually @elladeon you’re biblically incorrect according to Matthew 19:9 which specifically states that “he who marries her who is divorced commits adultery”. I didn’t write the bible so calling me extreme is inappropriate.
            There’s a huge difference between lust & love. The younger you are the more likely you are to use porn to satisfy your lustful desires without physically acting out. Fortunately, the older you get the lower your hormone levels get so your reliance on porn can drop as you concentrate more on “making love” than just lust driven “getting off”.
            Men, historically are more visual than women, which is why we respond to visual stimulation more than women. It’s the way we were designed to work. Men pursue & woo women we find visually attractive and women dress and wear makeup to make themselves visually attractive. For some religious nut job to pervert our creator’s design into something it’s not is the true sin. A smart, intelligent man or woman should never ask their spouse if they are enough for them because in reality, a new person will always seem to be more physically attractive than a long term mate. But when your relationship is about love and not lust, there is no need to ask that silly question to begin with!

          • elladeon

            The extreme was “you and every other Christian,” which was both unfair and inaccurate. Also, you’re quoting the wrong part. Jesus was talking about men who divorced their wives and / or married a divorced woman — what he was saying was that the initial marriage was still in effect and therefore any remarriage was adulterous. And also also … you are misremembering (or mischaracterizing) Matthew — Jesus said if a man divorced a woman *for any reason other than immorality,* Adultery itself violates and therefore nullifies a marriage. Remarriage is implicitly allowed in the case of a divorce for adultery.

            And, again, you are both completely missing the point of the article AND confirming its point. The point of the article is “guys, when you watch porn, this is how your wife interprets that action (message).” You trying to say “all guys are like this” still misses the point that this is trying to get guys to understand women.

            It’s fantastic that you seem to draw such a clear line between love and lust and apparently both are okay with each other and can happily cohabitate, but I don’t think that’s true spiritually or relationally. Jesus himself said that looking at a woman lustfully IS EXACTLY THE SAME FOR YOU as actually committing adultery with her. So, porn isn’t some totally acceptable okay outlet — it’s still a sexual sin. (And love isn’t really in the picture here — marrying “for love” is a really modern concept; the point isn’t that you can do whatevs as long as you love your wife — the idea has always been to do your duty and to be faithful regardless of your feelings, even if you didn’t marry for love.) What the article is saying is that WOMEN have a desire and a fear and a hope that they will be the sole object of desire for their husbands, and finding out about porn hammers home that fear that they are not the object of desire and are not enough (and, possibly, not even loved). Again, your objection here is that women need to get over it.

            Maybe you should search out why you care so little about potentially devastating your partner or why her feelings and security in your relationship matter so little to you.

          • Jacob

            Matthew 5:28 Jesus says, “whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

  • Benjamin

    While I agree that acting out extreme porn or becoming addicted is bad, I think women often get the wrong idea. Porn is akin to water for most guys, something to satisfy thirst. If I were married, my wife would be soda, tea, or wine. Something to take my time enjoying, rather just gulping down just because. Sex between a husband and wife should be special, not just a chore that has to be done.

    Juan makes a good point, sometimes one spouse has a lower sex drive than the other. So, they start to feel like sex is a chore that they must do to satisfy their partner. That isn’t how sex should be. It should be something special, that both partners look forward to.

    Of course, there are those that are truly addicted to porn. Just like alcoholism, those people need help either stopping, or controlling their addiction. Being able to discern the difference between healthy, and unhealthy use is important. Wives and husbands need to work together to determine that. Unfortunately, most Christian women just see it as evil, and don’t bother really having a discussion with their husband. Essentially making their husbands feel like disgusting beasts, which I think is not good.

    Mutual understanding, and clear communication is needed for a marriage to succeed. No matter your views of porn, a husband and wife must calmly talk it out, and figure out what works for both of them. Just outright calling it bad closes off that discussion, which drives a wedge between a couple. The inability to communicate freely makes a Christian couple weaker, more easily broken apart by the Devil.

    If a husband feels that he can freely talk to his wife about his porn habits, then they can come to an understanding. Maybe figure out healthy habits that will help both of them to be happy. Either through using pictures of the wife, or limited porn usage. No matter what, free, and clear communication required for a marriage to work. Blanket statements of porn as bad don’t allow for discussion. It just makes the husband feel horrible and blocks his ability to talk freely.

    Ultimately, everything in moderation. Anything in excess is not good. Finding a balance is what is important.

    • elladeon

      Except it is a sin. It is a form of adultery (one Jesus himself identified). If you are trying to hold on to your moderate sin, then sin already has hold of you. Exactly how much adultery is acceptable within a marriage? Like, is calling adultery bad giving *more* of a foothold to the devil than, you know, actually cheating?

      • ben2150

        I get where you are referencing, I don’t doubt that it is a sin. That said, between a wife and her husband, is it a worse action than actually going out and having an affair? If porn is the difference between having a physical affair, or not, which one would you prefer?

        Heavily paraphrasing Paul: it would be great if everyone could be celibate, but that isn’t the case. There are people that have needs, and should get married in order to satisfy those needs correctly. A husband and wife should satisfy each others needs, such that they are not tempted to sin. 1 Corinthians 7

        If a spouse can’t, or won’t satisfy their spouse, then aren’t they a stumbling block for their partner?
        I have typically found most Christians to be quite prudish, or at least they are too afraid to talk openly. This inability to talk freely is problematic. If we don’t talk, then the Devil is happy to step in so that you step out.

        Ultimately, to answer you, sin is sin. No sin is worse, or better than another. The levels of sin come from people, not God. Yes, it is a foothold for Satan. That said, ground is gained when someone fights alone.
        The thing the article ignores, is how guys feel when sex is seen as a duty. It is meant to be something beautiful, and enjoyable between a husband and wife. If it isn’t that, then porn is the least of a couple’s problems.

        • elladeon

          I think I would prefer not cheating at all? It’s like how guys defend emotional affairs because they’re less bad than sex. Um, I guess? But isn’t that splitting hairs?

          Yes, if a spouse is not having sex, that is a stumbling block and a problem in the relationship — but that is still separate from watching porn. Single people can’t justify porn use (or fornication) because they don’t have a way to get their rocks off in an approved manner. Married people can’t use that excuse, either. Those are very much separate issues.

          And yes, sex is a huge issue in a marriage, as is intimacy in general. But porn isn’t the least of the problems; like, if a couple is already having a problem, porn isn’t some side issue that doesn’t really matter to the discussion — it’s someone throwing a Molotov cocktail at the problem. It makes everything substantially worse.

          Look, I’m the spouse that has spent years asking for more sex and not getting it. I get that that is upsetting and hurtful in a very unique way. But when I found out my husband was using porn, it wasn’t some little, “oh, well, that’s not a big deal like some of these other issues.” It was a confirmation that every other thing I was afraid of and every problem in our relationship was, in fact, real. He really doesn’t love me. He really doesn’t desire me. He really doesn’t respect me. He said (and I do believe) that he stopped using porn when I found out about it. That’s great. But it still meant something and that something hasn’t been undone. I honestly don’t know if it can be.

  • AZ

    Porn helped ruined my marriage. My spouse did become less and less fulfilling and attractive the more I began to interact with and crave porn. I wanted my cake and to eat it too. It backfired. My spouse did get hurt, they didn’t like it, they were concerned, and I blamed and belittled them for it. I called sin Christ warns us about “good” and “normal”. The devil lied to me just like he does all viewers and I bought right into it, he deceived me with body images and acts and excuses and actual defensive anger why it was okay. I wanted to do what I wanted to do. I was wrong. I grew up from that and set down my pride. I’m not sure if giving up pride or porn was worse, but there is better joy in following Christ than sin. God first, not me.

    • Sarah

      I can’t thank you enough for your honesty…it brought tears to my eyes. I am a heart-broken wife of a porn addict and for a long time I have come to realise that there is so much pride in pornography consumption, as well as immaturity. Pride is so hard to point out because it just digs its heels and become more prideful.
      Thank you again for your incredible humility and obvious growth! God bless you, I have hope 🙂

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