If you have any familiarity with Christian culture, you most certainly have heard about “the sacred union between a husband and a wife.” That because this bond is so sacred nothing should ever come between it.
While that line of thinking is biblical, it also often gets twisted until people think it means that even if things suck, under no circumstances should you bring it up and threaten the delicate balance of your relationship.
This dynamic becomes especially problematic in the bedroom. I’ve talked to many married people who’ve been uber-frustrated with their sex lives but who just don’t feel they have the freedom in their relationship to push the issue.
But being silent is not going to help your marriage. It will only hurt it. Not having the guts to challenge your spouse on certain topics will not strengthen your unity; it will just breed discontent and resentment.
(And, of course, there is a balance here. There is a difference between having legitimate sexual frustrations and just being whiny. Don’t be whiny.)
So with that in mind, here are 3 solid reasons you should challenge your spouse if sex is a problem in your relationship.
Reason #1: The Sex Is Absent
If your sex life is on the same schedule as the presidential elections, then there is a MAJOR problem.
There may be many reasons for that. Craig Gross listed a bunch of them in his posts 8 Reasons My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me and 8 Reasons My Wife Won’t Have Sex With Me. But the point is, you need to talk about the infrequency or just blatant absence. The Bible is clear on the fact that husbands and wives should be having sex, and the practical reasoning for that is pretty self-evident.
Read Craig’s posts. Talk to each other.
Lay it out and be honest about how the lack of sex makes you feel.
Help your spouse understand that it’s just not about needing an orgasm but it’s about a void in your intimacy and the feelings of rejection you experience when they shut things down, again and again.
Being silent on this issue will eventually destroy your marriage, one way or the other.
Reason #2: The Sex Sucks
I know that sounds a little harsh, but let’s be honest: sex should be enjoyed, not endured.
I’ve heard too many times comments like…
“They just lie there like a corpse (or dead fish or bag of flour… you pick the inanimate object)”
“If it weren’t for quickies we’d never have sex.”
“I gave up on orgasms years ago.”
“It always feels like we are having pity sex.”
And so on …
Listen, culture and porn have artificially elevated our expectations about what “great sex” should look like, but bad sex is just bad. You can’t blame porn for that one.
So what can you do about it? Talk about this stuff.
Tell each other what works.
What doesn’t work.
And what’s just plain jacked up.
Yes, I know it may sound difficult, and it may even feel a little hurtful, but if you talk about this stuff in a loving way, you can work through it and arrive at better place.
And that will greatly benefit your relationship.
Reason #3: The Sex Is Uncomfortable
The truth is, we all have sexual hang-ups. We all have things that make us feel uncomfortable. We also all have things that we particularly enjoy.
I’ve talked to many people who get frustrated because their spouses refuse to do certain things.
Maybe it’s a certain position. Or a certain type of sex act. Whatever the case, their spouse is a no-go for these requests because it makes them feel uncomfortable or “wrong.”
Sometimes these objections are legitimate, sometimes not.
Sometimes they’re based on experience, sometimes based on upbringing.
It might be something like your spouse wanting to watch porn together to “spice things up.” Or maybe even more concerning, they want to invite the neighbors over for more than just a friendly coffee chat.
But maybe it’s something like getting weirded out by having sex in any position other than missionary. Something like that needs to be examined because it might have something to do with physical discomfort, or it might be because of some unmerited, self-imposed shame brought on by an unhealthy theology of sex.
Either way, the important part is that something in your sex life is causing friction or discomfort between you both and you need to flush that out.
You need to discover why.
You need to talk about it so some resolution can be found.
Marriage is a sacred union. Nothing should come between you.
But if the sex in your relationship is dysfunctional, then something already has come between you; you just don’t have to guts to talk about it. So…
Do yourself a favor.
Do your spouse a favor.
Do your marriage a favor.
Get your sexual life on a healthy track, even if it means a little bit of discomfort along the way.