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7 Reasons Why Great Sex Is A Must In Your Marriage

by Craig Gross on February 13th, 2018 in The Haps, Men, Women, Couples, Spouses

Previously I wrote a blog post that was called 7 Keys To Great Sex (if you missed it go ahead and read that one first). I heard from a number of people and even talked about some of the reactions that the post got on my podcast “Craig’s Car Ride.”

One thing I noticed is: when you talk about sex, it gets a big reaction. Some good and some bad, and while I totally understand this is a sensitive topic, ultimately we want to see people having great marriages, and an important part of having a great marriage is having great sex. Why?

Here are 7 reasons:

#1. Sex Helps Couples Reconnect From The Disconnect Caused Through Everyday Life.
Wow! That’s wordy especially for me. Here is a shorter way to say it: sex helps couples resolve conflict. Don’t believe me? Try having sex while you are mad with one another. It is easy to get busy and stay busy and get mad and get madder. When things like that happen in life, sex gets put on the back burner and you stay disconnected. If you are working on having great sex and trying to have sex multiple times a week at least, I believe it’s going to force you to pay more attention to each others’ needs and feelings — and clear the air on things a bit quicker then you would. Make-up sex is amazing as well, so that is a plus to resolving your conflict.

#2. Sex Fulfills a Basic Need/Want.
I hate reading things or talking to people who just assume men are the only ones that like to have sex. Women like sex, too! At the core, sex is something that is desired, longed for, and needed. If you are married and not doing it, then you’re simply missing out on one of the joys of marriage. One of the love languages is “Physical Touch” and last time I checked, sex counts for physical touch. If this is your spouse’s love language, then they “feel” loved when you make love. Also, as my friend Shaunti observed in her book For Women Only: men especially feel like they can conquer anything in the workplace if they feel like they are winning in the bedroom, so your husband’s self-esteem can even go up the more you have sex.

#3. Sex Creates Intense Intimacy Like Nothing Else
Sex unites you. Sex builds physical intimacy. (Tweet This!) It’s when my wife and I are “closest” both figuratively and literally. It bonds the couple together. For women, a powerful bonding hormone called oxytocin is released in the brain during only two activities: breastfeeding a baby or sexual orgasm. Sex connects a husband and wife on a physical, emotional and spiritual level. It mirrors the kind of spiritual intimacy we can have with God. Need I say more?

#4 Sex lowers stress in Life and In Marriage.
Sex can be an escape at times, something that temporarily dims the cares of the world and releases stress. Sexually satisfied couples are less likely to be stressed out and angry. 

#5. Sex is Fun… Irreplaceable FUN
FUN, FUN, and MORE FUN. It’s fun, and we need more fun in our marriages! The act is fun. The memories of the act are fun. The visuals from the act are fun. The workout, the exploration of each other’s bodies. The experimenting. The practice. I know for me and most guys I know, we want a naked visual or mental replay of sex to have with our wives as the star. If no sex happens, then the images that pop up are not of their wife. (Incidentally, my friend Shaunti and I just finished writing a book for women about the visual nature of men that will be out next year; can’t wait for you all to read that.)

#6. Sex is The Best Feeling Ever.
There’s a reason sex drives so much of our culture and what we do: it feels amazing. Seriously. It’s awesome and is a gift created exclusively for married couples to enjoy together, so why wouldn’t you? It’s good for you. There have to be plenty of studies to back that up!

#7. Sex Protects Both Partners From Sexual Temptation Outside The Marriage.
If none of the above are met, then you’re roommates at best; your spouse will eventually look elsewhere to find validation and love. This is tough to hear, but if you were able to read my emails and hear the conversations I have, you would see how important it is to be having sex. Now, I have also talked to several people who claim to have a great sex life but still had a partner who cheated, so I am not saying sex is a guarantee against adultery, BUT frequent sex will lower the risk and temptation. There are a number of needs that need to be met in marriage – physical, spiritual, and emotional – and you need to be careful that you are meeting all of these not just concentrating on one.


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  • T-Bone

    What if your wife has had many surgeries and sex is no longer an option for her. She won’t go talk to anyone about it, try, etc… We have had many issues in the pas and 1 sexual encounter with her in 5 years. I’m done folks. It’s ok for you to talk about sex this and sex that, but live in my shoes. I love Jesus, but I wish he would just help us. You think I struggle and feel guilty? Is masturbation ok in my situation? You go a full year without sex and then come talk to me. Sorry for my irritation, but you are talking to only healthy sexually active class people. What is your help for those who want sex but can’t have sex due to physical issues??? I pray for wisdom…

    • Joel

      I can’t imagine how hard things have been on you both. Medical surgeries are probably the most unromantic thing I can think of. I would absolutely seek counseling together as outright refusal usually means a deeper emotional issue. If she if physically unable to have intercourse there are other ways to have fun. It might not be elegant, but the outcome is the same. If she is alive enough to resist, she’s alive to assist. It takes maturity to deal with issues as tough as sex but what you two learn from working through it will help you in and out of the bedroom.

  • bfajeremy

    OK, stop dancing around the elephant already.

    1. Sex helps couples reconnect from the disconnect caused by everyday life, WHETHER YOU’RE MARRIED OR NOT.
    2. Sex fullfills a basic need/want FOR EVERYBODY, NOT JUST MARRIED PEOPLE.
    3. Sex creates intense intimacy like nothing else WHETHER YOU’RE MARRIED OR NOT.
    4. Sex lowers stress in life WHETHER YOU’RE MARRIED OR NOT.
    5. Sex is irreplaceable fun FOR SINGLE AS WELL AS MARRIED PEOPLE.
    6. Sex is the best feeling ever WHETHER YOU’RE MARRIED OR NOT.
    7. Sex protects both partners from sexual temptation outside the (relationship), WHETHER IT’S A MARRIAGE OR NOT.

    So, why is sex within marriage a MUST and sex outside of marriage a MUST NOT, when sex is perfectly capable of working its magic whether you’re married or not? First Christian to answer this intelligently gets a cookie. 28 years old and still waiting.

    • Satchmo_Pops

      Before I address your question regarding why is it a must within a marriage and must not outside of a marriage, I would like to address the nature of the article. The article was specifically addressing the need for sex in a marriage to help that marriage succeed, it was not coming from the viewpoint of it only being a benefit inside of a marriage.

      To answer your question regarding why it is a must inside of marriage and must not outside of marriage is related to the emotional impact of sex.

      1) Negative consequences such as feeling used, getting pregnant, contracting a sexually transmitted infection, or feeling bad about themselves
      2) Those reporting at least one negative effect included 31% of those who had had only oral sex, 58% of those who had had only vaginal sex, and nearly 62% of those who had had both.

      3) An international team of mental health researchers headed by Dunedin School of Medicine’s Sandhya Ramrakha and colleagues (2013) were uniquely positioned to test the causal directions of the multiple sex partner-mental health connections. The Dunedin Multidisciplinary Health and Development Study was begun in the mid-1970s on a cohort of over 1,000 children consisting of 90% of the children born between 1972 and 1973. They were followed every 2 years until they were 15 and then again at ages 18, 21, 26, and 32. An amazing large percentage (96%) remained available for testing over that 30-year period. At ages 21, 26, and 32, they were given individual assessments on their mental health status in the areas of anxiety, depression, and substance (cannabisand/or alcohol) dependence. They were asked to report on the number of sex partners at each interval as well, allowing the researchers to compute the number of partners per year. With these data in hand, Ramrakha and team were able to calculate the odds of a participant developing a psychological disorder while controlling for earlier mental health problems at each test occasion.

      For both men and women, taking into account prior psychological disorders, the odds of developing substance dependence increased virtually linearly with the number of sex partners. The relationship was particularly pronounced, however, for women. People having a higher number of sex partners did not have higher rates of anxiety or depression; the mental health effects were limited to substance use.

      All of these facts were taken from non-christian sources and studies. The answer that is implied but not clearly stated is that Sex has some pretty awesome benefits, however, if it used outside of a marriage there are no clear boundaries protecting each other from the negative consequence (specifically listed in item #1 above).

      You could argue that you don’t need to be “Married” to have a committed relationship and that may be true, however, even from a non-christian perspective there is still a risk.

      • bfajeremy

        I’m aware of the limited scope of the article; however, I’m using it as an opportunity to discuss inconsistencies and problems that evangelical Christians themselves are not going to address directly, as it exposes weaknesses in their theories. I take what I can get. A lifetime of having my sex drive and singleness glossed over by Christian “mentors” taught me this.

        First, the emotional impact of sex is entirely subjective. You can’t congruously argue that the emotional effects of sex are negative outside of marriage and positive within, across the board. It is not the presence or absence of a ring that makes sex a positive experience, although that can be one factor among many. It has more to do with the emotional connection between the two people, the relational dynamic they’ve already established, the degree to which they trust each other, the degree to which they’ve discussed and prepared for consequences, and a host of other factors. You’re right that most of these positive factors are going to be present in a healthy marriage, but not simply because people are married. A healthy relationship is the product of a thousand little right decisions, not one magic ceremony that suddenly flips the cosmic tables of right and wrong.

        Second, your analysis of negative consequences is predictably surface-level, given your religious affiliation. People can easily feel used within a marriage, and certainly not all premarital sex results in feeling used. I’m not even sure if it’s the majority of premarital sex. Unplanned pregnancies happen in marriage too, and can generate all kinds of friction and difficulties. Same with STDs. Not to mention that both of these things are largely mitigable, if not preventable, by these things called condoms. And low-self image? I’m not going to deny that plenty of people who have casual sex use it as a form of self-medication, but in those cases, they ALREADY HAVE a low self-image and the compulsive sex helps them maintain it. Promiscuity is the symptom, not the disease itself. Don’t ask me how I know.

        Your stats simply indicate that sex can have negative effects as well as positive. Welcome to real life. If you’re pretending that marital sex is always and forever a 100% positive experience you’re either living in denial or a hefty dreamer, depending on whether you’re married or not.

        Overall, your sexual ethic is too simplistic. Premarital abstinence, in general, creates just as many problems as it solves. And, as your post illustrates, those who believe it end up enforcing a blatant double standard where a healthy sex life is celebrated, discussed openly, and carefully nurtured as long as people are married, but among singles it is shamed, shrouded in secrecy, and viewed as dirty and defiling.

        Definitely keep on telling married couples to screw; I don’t have a problem with that at all. But don’t then turn around to a frustrated single and just tell them to “pray about it” and “wait on the Lord.” That’s hypocrisy.

        • Rahab2011

          I am sorry that Christian “mentors” have glossed over your questions through your life. I am not certain that discussing sex would “expose weaknesses in their theories,” if they discussed it in accordance to what the Bible says. I agree that promiscuity is the symptom, not the disease itself. However, if both partners in a marriage have remained pure until marriage, and neither strays, I doubt STDs are going to be an issue. My daughter asked me, “But what if I get married, and my partner is really bad in bed?” I told her “Then you both get to share the adventure of teaching each other what you like and don’t like.” Sex is great! And like anything else, it’s best when you follow the instructions 🙂

          • bfajeremy

            It sounds like you don’t know much about STDs. 4 out of 5 people have oral herpes and can give a partner genital herpes through oral sex. I.e. If you’re married, your spouse probably has it. thats just one example of how an STD can pop up in a double-virgin marriage. It happens.

            Sexual compatibility, despite your minimization of it, is an important issue. It is more than just matching levels of libido, but also can tell you a lot about a person’s insecurities and whether they are truly ready to be in a sexual relationship, much less a marriage. So it is VERY important and I believe one of the reasons the church is so silent on sex is because it doesn’t want to divulge the massive issues of sexual incompatibility that frequently pop up in virginal marriages, because, again, that would undermine their viewpoint.

          • JP

            Personally I don’t think that sex outside of marriage necessarily impacts your well being physically(minus the obvious potentials). However; when it comes to your emotional connections with people I think it creates a void within your psyche each time you engage in a meaningful sexual relation with another person. My wife and I were not virgins when we got married (blasphemy!) and I can promise you there is not a single person in the world that I love more than my wife and she feels the same. That being said, I don’t deny the fact that I still have an emotional connection with some of the women that I shared intimate relations with, I’m not talking about one night stands or a random fling I’m talking about women that I dated for a few years… I think that every time you engage in meaningful sexual relations with someone you create an intense emotional bond between the two of you, one which can’t be broken by a simple goodbye or by any length of time. My person thoughts are each time you engage in a sexual relationship with someone you give them a small piece of you, the longer and more intense that relationship becomes the more you give of yourself. As far as your relationship with Christ he took all people into his flock regardless of their pasts sins, people today are more worried about being good “Christians” than they are about being good followers of Christ. I am not without sin nor is my wife but looking towards Jesus for his forgiveness of our sins is all that I need, I don’t need anyone else telling me that what my wife and I have is anything less than a marriage blessed by god.

    • Lennie Wong

      because sex was created by God to be enjoyed inside a marriage only. When a person engages in sex outside of marriage it can still be fun, but what happens when one of you (most likely the girl) gets emotionally attached and then it ends? Sex is much more enjoyable inside of marriage because you know your husband will be with you for life. Having sex outside of marriage is not as fulfiling as it is when you are married.. When I got married, our wedding night was the most exciting, exhilarating night of my life. I made mistakes before I became a Christian and I will tell you, NOTHING ever compared to my first time with my husband.

      • Lennie Wong

        also, if you are sexually loose there is a problem.

        • bfajeremy

          What’s your point?

      • bfajeremy

        You can easily get emotionally attached whether you’re having sex or not. Also, I don’t like the implications of an argument that you should avoid emotional attachment because it might cause you some pain eventually. If anything, I think the Bible and specifically the life of Christ paint a very different picture: DO invest emotionally in people’s lives, DO give freely of yourself, even if you might get hurt.

    • Rahab2011

      Great post from Satchmo_Pops. I just have to add one very important thing. In the Bible (Genesis), where it says, “the two shall become one,” it is not a euphemism for sex. It is, at least partially, a reference to the spiritual aspect of sex. When you have sex with someone, a spiritual bond is created with that person. Not having sex with that person again does not remove that bond. So, if you’ve had sex with person A, when you then move on to person B, you still have a spiritual bond to person A, but now there’s also one with person B. The bond goes both ways, so you’ve left part of yourself with A and B. That means when you finally meet The Right Person, you cannot offer him or her a complete you. That’s not fair to either of you.
      The good news is, if you haven’t saved yourself and you’re willing to admit to sinning (doing things your way instead of God’s) and renounce that sin, Jesus will break those bonds if you ask Him. He will also give you the ability to keep sex where God intended it to be.

      • bfajeremy

        I don’t see anywhere in Scripture where it says you leave bits and pieces of yourself when you transition between sexual partners, and that if you’re not a virgin when you get married you’re not offering a “whole person” to your spouse. That is an unbiblical argument made by Josh Harris and probably others. The two shall become one, yes, but why does that mean that when you somehow un-become one, you don’t take all of yourself with you? Where do you see that in Scripture? Also, where do you see God breaking these spiritual bonds as a consequence of salvation? Where’s the Scriptural backing for that? What if you have premarital sex after you become a Christian? Is there any way for God to break these spiritual bonds at that point, or are you just stuck with half, three-quarters, one-quarter, however much you have left, of yourself? I think your theology on this point is pretty shallow, because you show signs of borrowing your arguments from others and of not thinking through this in great detail yourself.

        Saying that God will give me the strength to do what is right is incredibly dismissive. I had been a Christian all my life when I lost my virginity. I tried as hard as I could to maintain it. I begged God for moral strength. I begged him to meet my needs with a wife before I reached my breaking point. I sought accountability and advice from my brothers and sisters in Christ. And still I failed. Whatever is the necessary amount of strength to resist that temptation and make it to marriage a virgin, he did not give it to me. I don’t really see how I could have tried any harder, I don’t see what else I could have done, I don’t see how much more spiritual I could have been. Whatever grace and strength he gave me, it was not enough to make it to marriage a virgin, nor was it ever enough to excise sexual sin from my life. So whatever God did for you or any other virgin, he did not do for me. I’m not being blasphemous, I’m just relating my experience. You have a VERY idealistic and dismissive view of the strength God supposedly gives people, and this view did not help me in my spiritual life nor does it solve anything. In fact, in saying that to me you are glossing over my questions the same way my previous Christian mentors did. Just saying sorry and then doing the same things they did will not help me or anyone like me, and it doesn’t make anything OK. I don’t understand what you think you’re doing differently.

        • Rahab2011

          I am sorry you did not find my post helpful. Thank you for letting me know.

          I did not mean to be dismissive. You seem frustrated and clearly need an answer to this. I can only speak from my own experience.
          The fact is that once two people become one, they cannot separate without leaving pieces of themselves with each other, even if it is only shared memories (which is not the case). I speak from experience as well as from observation, but the spiritual principles in the Bible support my assertions. I know this because through these truths and by God’s grace, I am free for the first time in my life as of 2011.

          Sin is sin, and it always carries the same spiritual consequence–damage to one’s relationship with God. I believe God’s promise through His word that he will not allow me to face any temptation but that which is common to man, and that He will give me a way out (avoid the situation, for example), the power to resist, and the Truth to combat all of the deceiver’s lies. I also believe God’s promise that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Bottom line: You can’t out-sin God’s forgiveness. There is no mess He cannot clean up. This is a lesson I learned the hard way.

          You have asked me what I think I am doing differently. I will answer plainly.

          In your description of your ordeal (I am all too familiar with the struggle you describe), I see no mention of submission or surrender (not judging, just observing). It’s not about what I do; it is all about what Jesus did and what the Spirit does. But… only when we surrender to God and submit our will to His can He work in us. You can’t ask Jesus to take the wheel and then keep hold of it.
          I hope this is clearer and you do not feel dismissed. I encourage you to pose your question to Holy Spirit in prayer and then delve into the Bible.

          • bfajeremy

            No, I surrendered many times, verbally, explicitly, and I wouldn’t have made such a gargantuan effort to do what I believed was right if I wasn’t prepared to surrender. Surrender is no more a magic bullet than the supposed strength that God gives one to resist temptation. It sounds like you came to Christ as an adult; I was raised a Christian, left the faith, and am back again. Perhaps that is the difference in our experience and perspectives.

          • Rahab2011

            I, too, was raised in the church. I was saved at 10, but not discipled, so I did not know the fullness of what Christ did for me. I just knew I didn’t have to go to hell. But…long story short…I, too, left the church, and fell into witchcraft and sexual immorality. I wasted over ten years in the darkness before truly meeting Jesus and falling in love with Him on my own. I did not come back to the faith I had been taught by man; I came back to the Savior, and am learning about God on my own through reading His word as the Spirit guides me. The answers are all in the Bible and through Holy Spirit. I hope that you, too, will find the freedom I have. By His grace, He delivered me and gave me a new heart and mind. He will do that for you, too. May God bless you.

  • Nerdygirl

    I agree with this, and the related article, but I came across a problem in #5. You state sex is fun, of course this is obvious for most people. But then you state edging into a sort of blaming territory when you state “I know for me and most guys I know, we want a naked visual or mental replay of sex to have with our wives as the star. If no sex happens, then the images that pop up are not of their wife.” That’s not the wives fault nor is it her job to control the husband’s brain for him. This feels like a “boys will be boys argument” ie men are going to think about sex but can’t control that so it’s up to women to make sure they think about the right thing. That’s not healthy and that’s not ok. Also that has nothing to do with sex being fun.

  • steve florida

    It doesn’t take much to agree with Craig on this. We all love sex. As he suggests, there is a LOT of work to back this up, if you really need to be convinced. His wife had a good point, what is the “meaning of sex”? Most men wouldn’t ask, but I can understand why a woman would. For excellent Christian answers to the question, read “What is the Meaning of Sex” by Denny Burk. Go to Amazon for all the 5-star reviews.

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